Acts of Faith (Akame) [2/3]

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Kazuya doesn’t know what to expect from Jin when he leaves the hospital and goes to stay with his parents. He doesn’t know if Jin will still visit at all, and knows that night visits will become completely impossible. A part of him wonders if Koki was right, and Jin’s done his civic duty and that’s it. That their fledgling friendship is all in Kazuya’s head or something.

But two days after he’s moved in, Kazuya’s mother knocks on the door. “Kazuya, you have a visitor,” she says, and then Jin is standing awkwardly in the doorway, shuffling from foot to foot with a shy smile on his lips. “Hey,” he says.

Kazuya feels his mouth part in astonishment. “Did I surprise you?” Jin asks playfully, sitting next to Kazuya on his bed. Kazuya instinctively touches his go-en.

Jin’s eyes follow his hand, and his eyes widen. “You still have that?” He reaches out, like he wants to touch it too, but drops his hand at the last second.

Kazuya remembers when Jin gave it to him.

“It’s a pun, sort of,” Jin had said. “Or a metaphor.” He had blushed. “It’s 5 yen, right? But it’s also gouen, strong relations. If you keep the one I gave you, we’ll always be together in some way. Learned about it at a shrine.” Jin looked really embarrassed. “Too gay?” he said, laughing a little at himself.

Kazuya had put it on a piece of leather he nicked from Yuya. Jin noticed his new necklace a week later, and the smile he had given Kazuya had been blinding.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Jin rests his fingertips lightly on Kame’s arm, right above his wrist, pulling him out of his memories. “Not this time.”

Kazuya wants to believe him, so he does. It’s an act of faith, really. The go-en is warm against his chest.

***

Nakamaru is the first person besides Kazuya to see Jin. He drops by one day, on his way home from dinner with his own parents, to check on Kazuya, and startles when he peeks his head into the bedroom to see Kazuya lying on the bed, doing his leg exercises while Jin sits on a bean bag on the floor, flicking chords on his guitar and scribbling into his notebook, worrying his lower lip between his teeth.
Nakamaru’s face is anxious, too anxious, and Kazuya smiles at him to diffuse the tension. “Maru! Come in!”

Jin looks up, then, from his notebook, eyes wide and skittish, like a colt about to run. Kazuya looks over at him and meets his gaze steadily. They’re part of the package, he wills Jin to understand. That if he wants to be friends with Kazuya, he’s got to stop running away from things that make him uncomfortable, things that are difficult.

Jin slowly puts down his guitar, and stands up. “Hey Jin,” Nakamaru says, hesitantly, and Jin just stares at him. Kazuya doesn’t know what Jin will do, and it makes him nervous.

Jin suddenly drops to his knees, and then leans forward, resting his forehead on his hands in a traditional Japanese bow. Then he stands up, and does it again, and then again, as Nakamaru watches in disbelief. Finally, after 5 or 6 bows, Nakamaru reaches toward Jin, putting a hand on his shoulder to still him. “Stop,” he whispers, his eyes softer than Jin has any right to expect.

“I’m sorry,” Jin says formally, and then “Sorry…” again, mumbled as his forehead stay resting on his hands, body bent forward in the most humble submission of Japanese culture. Jin’s neck is exposed, in the way of the samurai, in easy position for Nakamaru to cut it off, if he wanted.

Kazuya knows what this means to Jin, because Jin is one of the most prideful people Kazuya knows. He never apologizes, never takes things back, and always skirts his way around problems, never taking responsibility for his actions. To see him now, on the floor, so humbled in front of Nakamaru, is painful to Kazuya, and all he wants is for Jin to stand back up.

Nakamaru knows too, how difficult apologies are for Jin, and he looks aghast at the sincerity Jin displays. “Jin,” he says uncomfortably. “Jin, get up!” Jin doesn’t move, just stays there with his head resting on the back of his hands, awaiting judgment. “I forgive you, now get up!” Nakamaru is hissing now, embarrassed himself. “You’re being an idiot!”

Jin and Nakamaru’s eyes meet, and no words pass between them, but…

Kazuya watches, and wonders if everything might turn out okay after all.

***

Jin is icing his leg, and Kazuya is wincing at both the burn of his muscles and the ice applied directly to the strain to prevent swelling.

“You’re pushing too hard,” Jin says, his fingers gentle yet strong, pressing confidently into Kazuya’s flesh.

“I have to dance,” Kazuya says. “I can’t even walk, and I already need to be running.”

“Slow down, Kazuya, or you’ll slow your recovery.” Jin looks worried, and Kazuya missed this—missed Jin pestering him about whether he’d eaten enough, or slept. He missed Jin’s concerned touches on his shoulder. He missed Jin.

Jin’s hands are hot against his skin.

***

Ueda brings Kazuya’s dogs to his parents’ house. “Ran really missed you,” he says. “I forget your other dog’s name, but I hate him.”

Kazuya laughs. “What did he do?”

“He ate my punching bag. How did such a tiny dog eat my punching bag?”

“Jelly…He’s ferocious, even though he’s small,” Kazuya defends, and Ueda cracks a brief smile.

“Like dog like owner,” he responds. Kazuya blushes.

Ran crawls into Kazuya’s lap. “Hey kiddo, I missed you!” His dog licks his face effusively, making Kazuya giggle uncontrollably because it tickles.

“We all had dinner with Jin last night,” Ueda says offhand, like he isn’t dropping a major bomb on Kazuya. “He explained his side of everything, and just sat there and took our abuse for about 2 hours.”

Kazuya is silent.

Ueda makes a thoughtful sound, before he continues. “I…didn’t expect myself to want to forgive him, for some reason.”

Kazuya nods. “I know what you mean.”

“What did you think of it? What he had to say about how it all went down?” Ueda looks pensive.

“We haven’t…talked about it, yet,” Kazuya admits, and Ueda looks at him sharply.

“Then why…?”

“It’s Jin,” Kazuya replies helplessly, and Ueda leans close to him, and sinks his fingers into Ran’s fur.

“Oh,” he says, looking at Kazuya out of the corner of his eye.

“Tatsuya…”

“You should…ask him,” Ueda interrupts. “Just…even if you don’t need to know, to forgive him, you should hear what he has to say.”

Ueda is trying to tell him something.

“It’ll make you feel better,” Ueda elaborates. “Because it has nothing to do with us. With you.”

***

Kazuya can’t sleep anymore, without Jin. He lies in bed, awake, for hours, thinking about anything and everything, and then has dark circles under his eyes in the morning. Eventually exhaustion pulls him to sleep every three days or so, but it’s not good sleep.

 

Tonight is one of those nights.

When nature calls, Kazuya gets up without thinking to go to the bathroom. It’s only when he’s halfway back to his bed that he realizes he’s not using his crutches, and that for the first time, his leg is supporting is weight while walking.

He sits down heavy on the bed, excitement thrumming through his veins. Without thinking about it, he picks up his phone and calls Jin.

Jin answers, sounding hoarse and groggy. “Kame, it’s 4AM,” he says, and Kazuya starts, guiltily.

“Sorry, I didn’t even think. It can wait.”

“No it can’t, or you wouldn’t have called.” Jin sounds amused. “You never call. What is it?”

“I just walked,” Kazuya squeaks excitedly. “I wasn’t even thinking about it, and I walked. No crutches. And it didn’t hurt a lot, either!”

Jin’s breath hitches over the line, and Kazuya can hear, rather than see, Jin haul himself up into a sitting position. “That’s fantastic,” Jin says genuinely, and his voice is warm.

Kazuya leans back against his pillows, curling up on his side with the phone pressed against his ear. “It’s starting to feel real to me,” Kazuya whispers. “Like I might get back on stage someday. That this nightmare is going to end.”

Jin hums. “You’re doing really well, Kame. I don’t think…”Jin’s voice trails off. “I don’t think I cold have been as strong as you. I probably just would have sat back and yelled and had a temper tantrum because the world wasn’t being fair.”

“I’ve thought about that a fair amount myself,” Kazuya replies.

“But,” Jin interjects. “The difference between you and me has always been perseverance, Kame. I’m ambitious, and like trying new things. But you’ve always had the courage to see things through until the end, even when they get hard.”

Kazuya glows a little, at hearing this opinion of him, of hearing it from Jin, who is always taunting him for his single-minded pursuit of perfection. Jin words are like a balm to his fragile ego, and they fill him with a liquid warmth. Kazuya’s chest and stomach feel like he’s just taken a shot of vodka, heat flooding and burning. “Thanks,” he whispers finally into the mouthpiece.

“That’s just what I think,” Jin says chuckling, and Kazuya can hear that his voice is a little dry and hoarse with sleep.

“Not just…not just for that,” Kazuya mumbles, and Jin is quiet. “Jin, can you sing something?”

Jin makes a startled noise.

Kazuya flushes, but repeats his request. “Can you sing something? I can’t sleep.”

“Oi, are you saying my voice is boring?” Jin teases, but his tone lacks heat, and then he is singing.

Kazuya falls asleep to Jin’s voice coming tweedy through the phone, curling up into a ball with his hand wrapped around his coin. He dreams about sunflowers, and when he wakes up the next morning, phone loosely in his grip, it’s the best night’s sleep he’s had since he left the hospital.

***

Kazuya’s apartment has a thick, tangible layer of dust when he first opens the door. Jin, who is carrying Kazuya’s suitcase, drops it unceremoniously to the ground, and the dust flies up into the air, sending them both hacking and wheezing to the kitchen for water. Jin’s hands automatically go up to the cabinet where the plastic cups are—Jin has a way of dropping glasses, so Kazuya had bought plastic cups for him to use. They haven’t been used in years, but Jin still remembers exactly where they are. Kazuya likes that. Likes that time has passed but Jin still fits into his life, as easy as if he’d never left.

Ran and Jelly are running around his legs in circles, and Kazuya laughs because they’re both a little dusty now too.

“Well, looks like I’ve got my work cut out for me,” Kazuya says wryly, surveying the apartment with amused eyes. He limps over to the sink, and opens the cabinet underneath, pulling out a couple of old dishtowels. He stretches his leg absentmindedly.

For the past two weeks, Kazuya’s been walking without the crutch, but his leg still feels weak. He’s been meeting with some ‘personal trainer slash rehabilitation expert’ that management at Johnny’s had picked out, six days a week, and there is a marked improvement of maneuverability. Kazuya notices it a little every day. He still gets a little dizzy sometimes, but not enough to stop him from moving on. His doctors are amazed by his CT scans, at his rapid recovery.  To Kazuya, it feels anything but rapid, but secretly, Kazuya’s always been the most impatient with himself.

Jin grabs one of the dishtowels, and runs it under cool water. “So where should I start, captain?”

Kazuya is startled. “Jin, you don’t have to—“

Jin licks his lips impatiently. “I’ve only got two hours until I have to be at the studio, Kame. Tell me what I can do before then.”

Kazuya sends him to wipe down the bookshelves and table in the living room, and smiling to himself, listens to Jin humming as he starts washing the kitchen counters.

***

He can’t remember the last time they were all together in the same room. When Junno called him and told him they were all coming by to see him, Kazuya had been startled to open the door and see five people. All of them hadn’t meant Jin in a long time—longer than it had been since Jin had left the group, Kazuya acknowledges in his mind.

He can’t sit still as their laughing voices fill the apartment, anxiously getting up and down to bring more snacks to the table or refill his water glass.

“Hey Kame-chan, do you have any wine?” Koki asks, and Kazuya immediately starts to jump up, but Jin beats him to it, putting a heavy hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t overdo it on your leg,” he mumbles, and Kazuya blushes inexplicably at the intimate touch. Jin massages his leg pretty often, but their touching is limited to that, except for a casual brush of hands sometimes, or their arms touching each other when they walk side by side. Jin’s hand feels strong and broad on Kazuya’s shoulder. “Still in the same place?”

“Yeah,” Kazuya replies, and Jin disappears into the kitchen. He comes back to the living room with the wine and 5 glasses on a tray—Kazuya can’t drink at all for another few months. Kazuya glances at Koki, only to see Koki is staring at him, a small frown on his face. Kazuya’s heart clenches nervously, wondering what is putting that look on his face.

But Kazuya forgets about it as Jin laughs at something Nakamaru is saying, and Nakamaru makes a put-out expression. Jin’s laugh is healing, Kazuya thinks. It’s healing them all.

Later, when only Jin and Koki remain, Kazuya is trying to clean up and his first dizzy spell in weeks hits. The world goes a bit fuzzy, and Kazuya drops the glass he’s holding. It shatters on the floor, and Kazuya winces, because he loves this set of glasses and now he’ll be one short. Koki’s eyes, even through his haze, look panicked, and Kazuya tries to find the words to reassure him, but Kazuya’s more focused on finding a purchase in consciousness. He almost falls, but then there is a strong arm around his waist. “Steady,” Jin whispers into his ear, and Kazuya doesn’t feel any shame as he leans into the touch, resting his spinning head against Jin’s warm chest.

Jin leads Kazuya to a kitchen chair, setting him down carefully. “I told you not to overdo it,” Jin scowls, and Kazuya just puts his head onto his arms, waiting for the world to stop spinning.

“What the fuck was that?” Koki asks, sounding concerned.

“Dizzy spells,” Jin explains, thankfully, as Kazuya doesn’t want to lift his head. “He still gets them sometimes. From the blood-clot.”

“Shit, that was scary,” Koki grumbles. “Are you going to have them forever?” He looks terrified at the thought of having a friend who passes out without warning.

“No,” Kazuya says. “That’s the first one in weeks. In the beginning I got them almost every day.”

“Oh,” Koki says, and bites his lip. Jin moves away from Kazuya, sweeps up the glass, and turns on the sink and starts washing dishes as if it was his apartment. Koki goes to help him, not sure what else to say. Kazuya just sits at the table, enjoying the feeling of the cold wood against his forehead.

When Jin sets a glass of ice water next to Kazuya, and heads to the restroom, Koki sits down across the table from Kazuya. Kazuya looks up and meets his eyes. “I was wrong,” Koki says. “I think he’ll stay.”

Kazuya’s hands reflexively grasp for his go-en, and he toys with it. “So do I,” Kazuya replies, and smiles at Koki.

Koki stares at him, eyes a little wide. “Kame-chan, do you…?” He shakes himself. “Never mind.”

Jin comes out of the restroom, and apologizes profusely because he has to leave for a meeting. He nods at both of them, and it’s just Kazuya and Koki left. They watch TV for a little while, music television, and laugh at Hey!Say!JUMP’s ridiculous new PV, because they both know they’ve made worse.

Kazuya eventually convinces Koki it’s safe to leave him at the apartment alone, and Kazuya leans back against the couch, head thrown back to stare at his ceiling.

What seems like moments, but is probably hours, later, Kazuya hears the lock of his door turning, and he jolts awake.

It’s Jin. He grins at Kazuya. “Your spare key is still in the same place,” he says in explanation, then frowns. “Why aren’t you in bed?”

“Fell asleep here,” Kazuya admits sheepishly, and then Jin is ushering him into bed, tucking him into the covers, and then standing awkwardly by his bedside.

Kazuya is almost asleep again. “Stay,” he mumbles.

“What?”

He pats the empty space in his bed—it’s a king-size, and he’s not a large person to start with. “Just…stay. And sing,” he demands, his voice thick with sleep.

Jin hesitantly lies on the bed. There is about a foot between them, but Kazuya can still feel Jin’s irrepressible warmth on his left side.

Jin’s singing is much better in person than through the phone, and Kazuya’s dreams are filled with sunflowers again.

When he wakes up, Jin is gone. But there’s a note on his kitchen table.

Meeting with execs today. SUXXX. But see you tonight? Take-out okay? Txt me.

There’s a trembling feeling in Kazuya’s chest that he doesn’t understand, like a butterfly trying to push it’s way out of a cocoon and spread it’s newly formed wings. He didn’t realized how much he had missed Jin until Jin was here again. Kazuya’s fingers clench his necklace, and wonders why Jin has always been able to dig so deeply into his heart.

Part 3