Three Hundred and Sixty Five (Pin, NC-17)
May. 17th, 2011 05:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
maayacolabackup
Jin goes to a read-through of his film. He plays a heartbroken journalist whose wife has left him for another woman, and goes insane.
Denzel Washington tells him he’s got good eyes. “It looks real,” Denzel says. “You really look like the love of your life is out of reach.”
“He is,” Jin says, before he realizes he shouldn’t.
Denzel puts a hand on his shoulder. “It’s alright kid,” he says, “It happens to us all at one point or another. Heartbreak is a part of being an adult. You’ll heal, though.”
Jin nods slowly. He hopes he’s right.
It’s New Years’ Eve.
***
On New Year’s Day, Jin receives an email from Yamapi.
Happy New Years, Bakanishi.
Hope all is well with the movie.
Tomohisa
Jin responds:
Happy New Years to you too. My new years resolution is to fulfill my promise to you. I wish you the best of luck in the coming year.
Always your friend, Jin
Jin used to sign his emails “Love~<3” but can’t bear to write the word, because love just fucking hurts.
Ryo calls him the next day. “What did you do to Yamapi? Did you pee in his laundry or something?” Ryo demands, and Jin is taken aback.
“What do you mean?”
“He’s all depressed and shit. Looks like he did when he broke up with Keiko. I got him drunk last night, and he said you were gone and you might not come back. I asked him to elaborate, but he passed out so…”
“It’s fine,” Jin says, and then reconsiders. “It will be fine. We both just need some space from each other, I think.”
Ryo snorts. “Okay Peanut Butter, you and Jelly can have your space, but really, this is ridiculous.”
Jin doesn’t want to explain, so he doesn’t. “Don’t worry,” he says softly. “I’m working hard.”
Ryo is suspiciously quiet on the other end. “Jin, what happened?” Ryo’s voice is surprisingly gentle. “Maybe I should ask what Pi did to you, instead of what you did to him?”
“Nothing I didn’t deserve,” Jin says finally, his tone unwavering. “It’s going to be fine, Ryo.”
“I sure hope so,” Ryo says gruffly “Pi looks like someone ran him through the dishwasher, and you sound like you died a month ago.”
“I’m trying my best to fix it,” Jin says. “It’s just hard.”
Yamapi doesn’t respond to Jin’s email, and Jin wonders whether their friendship is over.
Jin feels like his sun is gone, and he’s living in the dark.
***
Filming wraps up near the end of February. Jin loses track of time. He doesn’t really remember filming, but his co-workers have nothing but glowing praise for him. “You worked hard, kid,” Denzel says, palming his neck. “Good luck to you.”
Jin has been flying back and forth between LA and Boston. In LA is his new American CD, which he’s really just laying down a few tracks for, and in Boston there are movie sets and post-production.
Jin’s days are full of work. If he’s not working, he’s moping, so he tries to keep as busy as possible. He hears from his mom almost everyday, like she has a sixth sense about his depression, even though she can’t see him and he hasn’t told her about it.
When he meets up with Dom one weekend in LA, Dom takes one look at him and tells him they’re going to get drunk.
“Dude, are you…You look like you’re 2 seconds from stepping in front of a bus,” Dom says, grasping a Guinness in one hand, and Jin’s forearm in the other.
“I’m not,” Jin says. “I’ve got a lot to live for, don’t worry.”
“If you need to talk…”
“Remember when we were recording, and you asked me if…if I was in love?” Jin blurts out, all of a sudden.
“Yeah?”
“I was…am,” Jin confides. “I am, and it hurts.”
Dom looks at him. “You should write about it. Like therapy. You need to do something. You’ve lost a ton of weight, dude, and after another month you won’t be able to blame it on shooting a movie.”
Jin looks at him miserably, his own drink untouched. “I can’t eat. I try but it just comes back up, usually.”
Dom looks alarmed. “You should see a doctor, dude!”
Jin turns to him. “Why? I’m just depressed. I’ll get over it. And when I do,” he says resolutely, “let’s go out for burgers. In-and-Out burgers.” He downs his rum and coke in one swallow, and it burns in his empty stomach.
Clasping him on the shoulder, Dom smiles. “Alright Jin. Sounds good.” His eyes are still worried.
Jin is lucky in his friends. But he was luckiest with Pi.
Jin can’t see out of the darkness he’s living in.
***
Pi calls once, 2 months after Jin returns to America.
“Pi?” Jin says when he answers the phone.
“Yeah, it’s me.”
“What’s up?”
“I’m not…going to move out of the apartment, or find a new roommate.” Pi is resolute. “So you’ll just have to live here.”
“…What?”
“I just called to tell you you’re definitely not moving out.” Now Jin can hear that Pi’s voice is slurring. He’s drunk.
“You’re drunk.”
“I’m not drunk.”
“Yes, you are.”
“You don’t know me that well!”
“Yes I do.”
“I guess you do,” Pi says. “Does it matter?”
“You’re a dick when you’re drunk,” Jin replies. “Always saying things you regret.”
“Doesn’t matter what I say,” Pi hiccups, and Jin thinks he might be really drunk. “You’ll still love me anyway, right?”
Jin hangs up the phone, because it’s a dick move.
“You’ll still love me anyway, right?”
It echoes in his head, over and over again, as Jin tries to sleep. He wakes up with a migraine and dark circles.
Sorry for drunk dialing you yesterday. I don’t remember what I said, so I hope it wasn’t offensive.
Tomohisa
Jin responds quickly.
Don’t worry about it. But don’t do it again. Guess you do need me, after all: to take your phone from you when you’re too drunk. That said, maybe it’s best if you don’t call, anyway. I need space from you.
Jin
Jin misses his friendship with Yamapi, the long, ridiculous emails about nothing and everything. He misses Pi so much there’s a part of him missing, and he feels like strangers on the street can see the gaping hole in his side, bleeding out loneliness.
Jin is determined to get over Pi, so he can have him back.
But his heart is being stubborn, imagining Pi’s smile and the warmth of Pi’s breath on his neck as he sleeps.
***
Tegoshi calls him. “Whatever’s wrong with you and Pi, fix it. We’re on TOUR.” His voice is terse. “Yesterday he got drunk and cried that his best friend had left him forever, that you had told him not to call you, and then just took a shot anytime your name came up. Then Chocolate Love came on and he locked himself in Ryo’s costume closet and sobbed like a little girl.”
“I’m trying,” Jin mumbles.
‘Try harder,” Tegoshi says, and he hangs up too. Everyone is hanging up on everyone, lately. Jin can’t remember the last time he said “bye,” to someone on the phone.
Jin does make an effort, though, because he regrets telling Pi not to call, even though he thinks it might be what he needs.
He tries to call Yamapi, but his phone is off or busy every time. He waits until he’s sure the concert is over, and calls again. This time, Ryo answers the phone.
“Jin! I don’t know where Pi is, man. We just finished our last show, and I think he forgot his phone here and left the venue.”
“Ah,” Jin says. “Well…”
“I’ll tell him you called,” Ryo says. “Maybe it’ll cheer him up.”
***
Jin wakes up at 2:30 AM to a pounding on the door of his hotel room. The last thing he expects, when he jerks open the door, is Yamapi, wet from the torrential rain-- hair plastered to his face, wearing track pants and a nondescript gray hoodie, and carrying a bulging backpack.
He looks gorgeous, straight out of a drama, like he always does, and Jin doesn’t know what to say. “This is Boston,” he says, and Yamapi smiles tiredly. “You’re in Japan.”
Yamapi leans against the doorframe, and Jin tries to figure out if Yamapi is really here. He reaches out and runs the back of his index finger against Yamapi’s cheek, the slightest of touches. Yamapi closes his eyes. “No, I’m in Boston,” he corrects, and his voice is exhausted. “Can I come in?”
Jin steps away from the door. “Yeah,” he says, but he doesn’t know what else to say. The last time they’d seen each other, at the airport when Jin left Japan, Yamapi had hugged him awkwardly and told him to email him when he got to his LA loft, so Jin didn’t even know what his maybe ex-best friend was doing here.
“Why are you here?” Jin says, and wants to hit himself. “I mean, it’s not a problem or anything, I just…”
Yamapi sighs and leans against the now-closed door. He rests his head against the door, too, and looks up at the ceiling. “I had to see you,” he says, and Jin is angry.
“What?” Jin’s fists are clenched now, and his heart is hammering against his ribcage. “You can’t DO THIS to me!” He snarls, frustrated and confused. “You can’t just come here and—How am I supposed to get over you if you’re HERE and you do things like this—“ Jin feels like screaming and crying, like hitting Yamapi over and over again until he hurts on the outside as much as Jin hurts on the inside. “It’s not FAIR, Pi, it’s not fair to expect me to fall out of love with you if you can’t—“
“Don’t,” Pi swallows quickly, like he’s nervous but incredibly sure. “Don’t you dare.”
“Dare WHAT?” Jin asks, thoroughly confused, feeling bruised and fragile, not understanding this moment or what Pi is trying to say.
“Don’t you dare fall out of love with me, Bakanishi,” Pi threatens. “Not when I’ve just realized that I love you back.”
Jin can’t comprehend what’s happening, really, only he knows that Yamapi is here, in his hotel room, hands nervously fiddling with the straps of his backpack and eyes on the ceiling while he says impossible things.
“But—“ Jin can’t even choke out a question, he’s so flabbergasted by this turn of events. “You don’t like me that way.”
“You don’t think I fly out right after a concert, across the world, for just anybody, do you?” Pi whispers, and Jin’s heart stops beating, before suddenly starting again, at three times normal speed. “It’s just, when you left, I imagined what my life would be like without you in it. I remembered how awful it was when you were here for 9 months and not leaving dishes all over the kitchen or making me watch American shows on TV, or making me celebratory spaghetti.” Yamapi gulps. “And then I imagined my life without having any of that ever again, without the promise of you coming back, someday. And that’s when I realized…”
Jin doesn’t breathe.
“That it was EMPTY. If I take all that out of my life, there’s just work, and a few friends, and then nothing. YOU are my life. Waking up to your tragic attempts at breakfast and laughing with you about Ryo’s Napoleon Complex, and throwing flour all over our kitchen…” He runs a hand through his wet hair again, looking incredibly anxious. “And once I realized that, I realized that somehow, you’d managed to worm your way deeper into my heart than anyone I’ve ever known. I’ve never liked a guy before, but it doesn’t feel wrong to me, the idea of kissing you.” He’s out of steam, now, just standing there, looking at Jin helplessly, before gathering his resolve. “So, Jin, I want you. I love you, and it might even be the same way you love me.”
Jin can’t respond, he’s so shocked.
Yamapi is nervously wriggling in the silence. “Unless you don’t want me anymore…” he trails off, looking Jin directly in the eyes, his own eyes uncertain.
Jin’s never wanted anything in his life as much as he wants Yamapi. Jin would give up anything and everything for the assurance that he can keep Pi with him always. Jin sees Yamapi in front of him, and he sees the world, his whole world. “Stupid,” Jin mutters. “I’ll never not want you.”
Yamapi approaches him slowly, and pulls Jin into a hug. Their foreheads rest against each other, and Jin feels wet strands of Yamapi’s ridiculously long hair sticking to his face and neck, and he doesn’t care because the moment can’t get more perfect. But then it does, as Jin tilts his face to the side and touches Yamapi’s lips with his own.
Jin has kissed many times. At 28 years old, he’d kissed his fair share of women, of varying age and experience levels. But it all pales in comparison to this kiss. When their lips meet, Jin feels assaulted with sensation. Yamapi’s lips are warm and tinged with the flavor of coffee. The slow glide of their lips against each other, soft and gentle, means more to Jin than any other kiss he’s ever given or received. And when Jin sends his tongue out with a tentative request for access, the immediate parting of Yamapi’s lips makes Jin’s chest feel heavy and swollen with joy. Their tongues tangle hesitantly, but then they grow more sure, hot breath moving between them as the kiss goes on and on. Jin’s hands are fisted in Yamapi’s hoodie, and he feels Yamapi’s own hands running soothing lines up and down the small of his back, and he’s dizzy with disbelief and elation, both feelings curling around his lungs and squeezing. After a minute they part for air, gasping shallowly.
“I’m sorry,” Yamapi mumbles against Jin’s cheek, where his lips rest.
“I love you,” Jin replies. “Take all the time you need.”
***
Neither of them know what they’re doing, really. Jin has never been with a man, and Pi has never even thought about being with a man. But their kisses are long and hot, a wet meeting of mouths that gives way to tangled tongues and soft licks at the insides of each other’s mouths. Jin’s always had an oral fixation, and it’s even better when he can lick slowly down Yamapi’s rippling chest, making him shudder.
He blows hot air after every lick, and Pi’s nipples are hard. Tempting. He grabs one between his lips, and Yamapi makes this mewling sound that leaves Jin breathless with wanting.
Yamapi quickly flips them over, reclaiming Jin’s lips fiercely, biting on his lower lip and sucking it into his mouth.
They’re both clad in only their boxers, having long removed clothes in their haste so see and explore. Jin is fascinated by the way Pi’s muscles move as he breathes, and how his body is so different from Jin’s own. He explores each difference with his tongue, until Pi is gasping for mercy.
“Jin, Jin, please, I need…”
“Can I…?” Jin asks for permission, his hand on the waistband of Yamapi’s boxers.
“Oh god, yes,” Pi says, and Jin tugs them off, before giving Pi’s long, hard cock a tiny lick. Pi’s hips surge off the bed. “Please,” he says, and Jin remembers he’s always seemed vocal through the walls of Jin’s bedroom.
Jin creases his eyebrows. “Do you trust me?” He asks, and Yamapi looks at him through hooded eyes, weighing him.
“Yes,” Pi says, and Jin smiles. He roots around in his bedside table, looking for his lube—bought for masturbatory purposes, but mostly untouched. He fumbles with the lid a little, and laughs at himself.
“I don’t really know what I’m doing,” he admits to Pi, giving him a wry smile. “I’ve never…”
“Me either,” Pi grunts, and his eyes are soft. They kiss again, and Pi’s hands rest on Jin’s hips, stroking his pelvic bones and making Jin’s cock ache with unsatisfied desire. Pi looks hesitant to touch Jin’s cock, but does it anyway, and Jin hisses at first contact.
“You don’t have to,” Jin says quickly. “If it’s too weird right now, or…”
‘Bakanishi,” Pi says, taking Jin’s cock in hand and giving it a firm stroke. “Shut up.”
Pi watches warily, though, as Jin puts lube on three of his fingers. The wary eyes turn into shock as Jin rises up off of him a little, shrugging Pi’s hand off his shaft, and wriggles one of those fingers into himself.
Jin winces at the intrusion, and wonders how he must look to Pi right now, one finger thrusting in and out of himself in an attempt to stretch the hole wide enough for Pi’s rather large penis.
Pi’s eyes are wide when Jin opens an eye to investigate. “You look…” his voice is deeper than Jin has ever heard it. “You look so hot right now.”
Jin flushes, but adds another finger.
When he finally slides, excruciatingly slow, down onto Pi, stretching and molding around him, Jin finally feels like everything is real.
When they both come, Jin’s cock splattering all over Pi’s chest and Yamapi arching into Jin so hard it burns, it feels like daybreak behind Jin’s eyelids.
Yamapi pulls Jin down to him, and their chests are sticky with Jin’s cum. “Jin,” Pi whispers, “Jin, I love you.”
And there it is. The sun.
***
Yamapi stays with him for 3 days before he has to return to Japan. At the airport, they make out in the car, and it’s Jin who is staying behind.
Jin is wearing a fedora and large sunglasses, and a thick red scarf to obscure his appearance. Yamapi just pulls up the hoods of his sweatshirt and his coat.
“So, see you in March,” Jin says. “Sooner if I can.”
Yamapi smiles. “I’ll be waiting for you.”
Jin laces their fingers together, and grins. “See you at our apartment.”
Pi smiles back.
***
Tegoshi calls and congratulates Jin on whatever he did to “drag Tomohisa kicking and screaming out of his bitch fit.”
Jin considers telling him he let Yamapi fuck him through the mattress for two and a half days, but reconsiders. “We talked stuff out,” he says instead.
“I’m glad,” Tegoshi responds. “You guys are best friends. It was weird to see you guys not getting along. I think Tomo-chan needs you, you know? He won’t say what you guys were fighting about, but I’m glad it’s over.”
“Me too,” Jin says. “Me too.”
***
Jin is reluctant to talk about his new relationship, because he doesn’t know if it’s a relationship or just a new aspect to their friendship or what.
But he’s happy.
Dom notices, of course. “I guess it got worked out with your lady friend?”
“Lady friend?” Jin asks, before he remembers that as far as the world is concerned, he’s a heterosexual man. As far as his friends are concerned. As far as his family is concerned. “Um.”
Dom looks at him and raises an eyebrow. “You know, your love problems?”
“Yeah, um.” Jin knows he should just agree quickly, to avoid the uncomfortable questions sure to follow. But he can’t lie about Pi. Not about the most important thing in his life. Plus, Pi hates to be called a woman.
Dom has a look on his face like a cat that’s found a big juicy mouse asleep in front of him. “Or it’s not a lady friend at all?”
“Shhhh!” Jin says, waving frantically, his face tomato red, for Dom to stop talking, even though they are alone in Jin’s loft. “Just…let’s get back to work.”
Laughing heartily, Dom drops the subject.
***
Jin is eating lunch with Ryo, when Ryo asks him about his ‘party ban’. “Dude, how long until you can come out with us again? You’re back in Japan for all of March and April, right?”
Jin ponders. Actually, he hasn’t missed partying that much. Jin thinks he might be getting old…It’s 2013 and he’s almost 29, and he wonders if middle age is creeping up on him and turning him into some tame version of himself unexpectedly, except 30 is far from middle age and maybe Jin is just becoming an even lazier version of himself. “I don’t know,” he responds, taking a bite out of his sandwich.
“Ugh, it’s just so boring now,” Ryo complains. “Yamapi must be seeing someone regularly now, so he never drinks enough and goes home early. What’s up with that?”
Jin almost chokes on his sandwich. As it is, he bursts into hacking coughs, and Ryo slaps his back as he frantically gulps water.
“Wait, you know something!” Ryo is gleeful, finally having gotten a lead on Yamapi’s mysterious behavior.
“No, I don’t know anything,” Jin denies, his face starting a slow burn.
“You totally do! Why are you blushing?” Ryo is quick to notice, and his eyes narrow. “Are they loud in bed?” He’s leering now, and Jin thinks he might die.
Yamapi comes rushing into the restaurant, hair sloppily pulled from his face with a headband, and oversized aviators obscuring his face. “Sorry I’m late,” he says, and slides into the booth next to Jin, subtly leaning against him. Jin flushes even harder, and something clicks in Ryo’s head.
“Wait a minute,” he says, staring hard at the both of them. “Are you…?”
Yamapi looks confused. “What’s up?”
Ryo looks more sure of himself now, as Pi grabs a chip off of Jin’s plate, and Jin subconsciously leans backward to give him space in case he wants a bite of Jin’s sandwich. “Jin’s letting you take his food. You guys are totally fucking.”
Yamapi pauses, a chip halfway to his mouth. Jin’s heart clenches in fear. They’d told no one of the change in their relationship, and it was never explicitly stated but Jin kind of thought it was a secret. And now, under the gaze of someone else, he didn’t know what Yamapi would do. Would Yamapi realize, all at once, what this was? Would he deny that Jin was…
“Ryo,” Yamapi growls, and pops the chip in his mouth. He slides his aviators off his face and folds them up on the table. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he says. “Jin and I are not fucking.”
Jin doesn’t know whether to be relieved or depressed. He hasn’t thought about their relationship as a dirty little secret—certainly something that shouldn’t be leaked to the press, but Jin didn’t really like the thought that even their closest friends…
Ryo relaxes a fraction, and takes a bit of his burger. “Yeah, I didn’t really—“
Yamapi slides his hand over to Jin’s, which is resting on the edge of the table, and links their fingers, visible to Ryo. Jin stares down in surprise and hope, which flutters like a tiny butterfly in his chest.
“We’re not fucking,” he repeats, “We’re DATING.”
And it’s Ryo’s turn to choke on his sandwich, gazing at them both with wide eyes as he slowly asphyxiates. “Breathe, stupid,” Jin mutters, and his face feels like it’s on fire with embarrassment, and no small amount of pleasure. He sneaks a glance at Yamapi, and Yamapi is looking straight at him, a smile in his eyes.
“Oh god, you’re gazing into each other’s eyes, this is so gay I could die,” Ryo groans, looking at them with horror. “You can’t both be in a relationship! This is awful.”
“Do you have a problem with it?” Yamapi asks, and his voice is like ice. Jin shivers. Ryo looks surprised, jolted out of his frantic murmuring by the cool tone of Pi’s voice.
“Yes!” he says, and Pi stiffens. Jin runs his thumb soothingly back and forth across the back of Yamapi’s hand. “If you’re both dating, then only Shirota is left to be my wingman!” Ryo groans. “And he is the suckiest wingman EVER.” Ryo’s face is in a full pout. “He always takes all the girls with his beak and his stupid halfie powers.”
Yamapi relaxes suddenly, and throws his head back in a laugh. “Never change, you selfish prick.”
Ryo’s eyes narrow. “Not that I don’t have questions. When did you turn all gay and shit? Not that you weren’t gay together to start with, but when did you decide to make the gay official?” Ryo has an epiphany. “Hey, is this what you guys were all moody and depressed about? Because if you had just come and asked good ‘ole Uncle Ryo I could have told you guys you were gay for each other in 2004. Cause you were.”
Jin is all smiles, and thinks: Everything is going to be okay.
Yamapi is a solid presence beside him, and Jin can feel his warmth even through the thick sweaters they’re both wearing to fight off early spring's chill. And as Jin leans his head on Pi’s shoulder, as Pi fends off Ryo’s questions, Jin knows that even his show at Budokan next week won’t compare to the thrill and adrenaline he feels when he realizes all over again that he and Yamapi have found each other.
Pi’s hand snakes around Jin’s waist, and Jin can feel a finger worm it’s way inside his sweater, seeking skin.
Pi draws the kanji for love against Jin’s hipbone, and it’s their secret.
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Date: 2011-05-18 05:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-18 01:49 pm (UTC)