Three Hundred and Sixty Five (Pin, NC-17)

[maayacolabackup]

365 (3/4)

 

But it isn’t enough. Jin just hurts all the time.

 

They both pretend that nothing has changed, but there’s a wall where there never was one before.

 

Yamapi doesn’t sit next to Jin on the floor when they play Tekken, he sits up on the arm chair. When Jin does something stupid, Yamapi doesn’t put his fingers in Jin’s hair and tug—he just scowls at him and calls him “Bakanishi.” Actually, he doesn’t touch Jin at all. Jin is resigned to it—of course Yamapi doesn’t want to touch him.

 

And the biggest thing is, they don’t talk about it. Jin doesn’t know what Yamapi thinks about this whole thing, but he thinks they are both hoping it just goes away, and then things will return to the way they were.

 

Yuu questions him about it. “Did you and Pi get into a fight?”

 

“No,” Jin says, and it’s true.

 

But there are no cake fights, and there is no shared spaghetti. Only long silences, and Jin feels so much colder without Pi’s body to lean against watching TV.

 

Jin thinks Pi might feel it too, since now he carries a Nobuta blanket around the apartment with him everywhere he goes, but it might just be due to the onset of deep winter. Jin wants to ask, but he’s not sure if he’ll get an answer.

 

November 2012 is the longest month of Jin’s life.

 

On November 29^th, Jin sees Kamenashi again for the first time in years. He’s leaning against the wall in the hallway, and suddenly a shadow appears in front of him. “Akanishi,” the voice says, and Jin knows it’s Kame. He opens his eyes, and there’s a bottle of Yogurt Qoo hovering in front of his face. “You looked like you could use a drink.”

 

Jin looks at him incredulously as he drops the drink in Jin’s lap and starts to walk away. “Anyway, I won’t bother you. I know how you feel about me.” There’s something tortured in Kamenashi’s eyes, that even now, years after he has been able to call Kame a friend, that makes Jin wonder if Kamenashi is as cold as Jin always assumed he must be.

 

“Kamenashi!” he yells out, and Kame turns around. “You can be Draco, instead.”

 

Kame looks at him like he’s lost his mind.

 

“Instead of Voldemort, I mean,” Jin says in a normal turn of voice. “After all, Draco didn’t really want to hurt anyone, he just didn’t know any better.”

 

Kamenashi smiles.

 

Jin feels conflicted about the encounter, but mostly, he feels relieved.

 

***

 

Yamapi has been bringing girls home two or three nights a week, and Jin can hear their moans through the wall at all hours of the night.

 

Jin’s always out of the apartment early in the morning, before Yamapi and his girl of the day awaken. His manager is impressed with his promptness, praising him for “turning over a new leaf,” but she looks a little worried at the dark circles under Jin’s eyes.

 

Jin wishes he could go back in time, back to when Pi was his best friend and he didn’t understand his own feelings. Going home to the apartment is like a stark reminder that Jin’s not going to get his happy ending, no matter how much he prays to a God he doesn’t really believe in that his feelings will fade.

 

Jin’s concerts are all sold out. He’s doing 10 shows across Japan, the last one at Tokyo Dome (Tokyo Dome, all by himself!), and Jin is pleased at least something in his life is going right. A big thing, if he’s honest. His concert sold out in 7 minutes. All ten shows. Jin sold out the Tokyo Dome in 7 minutes. Johnny calls him into his office, and hands him a cigar.

 

“Jin, you’ve outdone yourself,” he says. “If your movie with Denzel Washington does well, we’re going to renegotiate your contract, giving you total control over your movie choices and your music.”

 

The cigar hangs limply against Jin’s lips, and Jin is filled with happiness. He can’t wait to call Pi and tell him the good news, but then he’s thinking about Pi, and the bubble deflates enough that Johnny notices.

 

“YOU,” he says, and Jin looks up at him. “What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing that will affect my work, sir,” Jin replies, and Johnny nods satisfied. Johnny likes this new, obedient Jin, who does what he’s told and sells more than almost any idol in the jimusho.

 

“Very good, Jin, very good.”

 

Jin’s manager informs Jin he’ll be headed back to the states as soon as his concerts are finished. “About a month,” she says, and Jin nods, resigned. “You’ll leave right after Christmas.”

 

With the way things are in the apartment, Jin almost wishes he could leave tomorrow.  But he’s excited for the concerts, and he knows he has a duty to his fans to give them his best.

 

Things come to a head when Jin gets back at midnight from a grueling rehearsal and hears a woman’s soft scream from Yamapi’s bedroom. Jin numbly sits down at the kitchen table after he makes himself a cup of tea. He nestles it between his hands, letting the warmth ease his tension. When the moans cease, and Jin’s tea has gone cold, Yamapi wanders in the kitchen, clad in boxers, his skin glistening with the sweat of exertion. He grabs a glass from the high cabinet, stretching his arm up to reach the long glasses on the top shelf, and Jin, against his own will, watches the smooth rippling of Yamapi’s hard-won muscles underneath his skin. Pi fills the glass with water and gulps it in one swallow, draining the glass and getting water all over his face.

 

Jin clears his throat, and Yamapi notices him for the first time. “Oh, hey, Jin,” he says, and flips on the light. “Why are you sitting here in the dark like a bat?”

 

Jin’s throat is dry. “Because I have a headache,” he explains, and looks up at Pi. Pi gasps when he sees his face, and Jin wanders what he looks like, after a long day of rehearsals and not sleeping for two weeks. He doesn’t remember shaving recently either, and he can’t recall the last time he ate.

 

“Jesus, Jin, when’s the last time you slept?”

 

“Hard to sleep when you live in a brothel,” Jin retorts, rubbing a hand over his face and feeling guilty for mentioning it. “Sorry man, I’m just tired, I’m doing wall to wall rehearsals, since my show starts this weekend, and I’m cranky. Don’t mind me.”

 

Yamapi is grimacing slightly. “Yo sorry man, I’ve been kind of a dick. I didn’t even think about the fact that you wouldn’t be able to sleep with all the noise. You’ve always been a heavy sleeper, so I didn’t think—“

 

Jin is tired, and doesn’t want to have this conversation, now or ever. So he stands up, and puts his cup in the sink, telling himself he’ll wash it in the morning. “Look, it’s not really the noise, so much as knowing that the person you’re in love with is screwing a different girl every damn night, and doesn’t really give a fuck if you hear it.” He doesn’t look at Yamapi, and starts to walk toward his own bedroom.

 

Yamapi grabs a handful of Jin’s sweater as he tries to leave. Jin turns, and Yamapi’s eyes are haunted. “You’re in love with me?”

 

Jin is filled with frustration. “What the fuck did you think this was?” he asks incredulously, and he can’t believe Pi is being so stupid. “What did you think this was to me?”

 

Yamapi looks like his world has flipped on his axis, like the furniture is all on the ceiling and someone just told him NewS was releasing a hip hop album. “I thought…I thought it was like, a weird lust thing or some kind of identity crisis—“

 

Jin grabs Yamapi’s hand and tugs his sweater free. “Of course it isn’t, Pi!” Jin doesn’t understand how he can ignore the obvious. “I’m not GAY, and if it was some weird lust thing I certainly wouldn’t have chosen to fuck up my relationship with my best friend! I’m not…if I could change it I would!” Jin’s voice is a harsh whisper, aware of Pi’s guest only meters away in the first bedroom, but his voice is frantic and his eyes are wild. “Leave me alone!”

 

He leaves Yamapi standing there in the kitchen, one hand outstretched and the other holding the water glass in a punishing grip, his knuckles white and his eyes wide.

 

The next morning, after a sleepless night, Jin creeps out of his room at 6:30 AM, walking silently down the hallway. He wants to grab a banana from the kitchen, but pauses when he sees Yamapi asleep at the table, head resting on his arms, face peaceful in unconsciousness. Jin has always envied Pi’s ability to sleep through anything.

 

He looks at Pi, for a moment, and then he looks into his own heart. It’s the same image.

 

He grabs a banana, and leaves.

 

The next 4 days before Jin’s concert are an endless cycle of morning to night rehearsals and tech meetings, and Jin doesn’t even bother to go home, sleeping on couches in meeting rooms in the jimusho.

 

His manager hands him a box of sleeping pills the day before the concert, and tells him she’ll see him tomorrow at 4 PM, and Jin is left with the daunting task of taking himself home. His eyes are bleary, and he knows he can’t drive. Without even thinking about it, he calls Pi.

 

“Jin?” Pi asks, his voice sounding frantic. “Where are you?”

 

“At the jimusho,” he replied, hoping that the slur in his voice doesn’t make him unintelligible.

 

“What?”

 

“Pick me up, I can’t drive,” Jin says, and Yamapi grunts.

 

“Be there in 20.”

 

Jin is waiting outside with his bag when Yamapi pulls up in his silver Lexus, and he plops into the passenger seat and melts. “Oh god, I’m so tired.”

 

Pi’s hands are gripping the steering wheel tightly. “Where have you been?”

 

Jin cracks an eye open. “What? I’ve been here. My concert starts tomorrow.” He sighs. “We’re finally ready, I think.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were here?” Pi says, and Jin notices how tense he is. “I thought…”

 

Jin’s mind, slowed with weeks of sleep deprivation and anxiousness, doesn’t follow. “You thought what?”

 

“I thought you were avoiding me, Bakanishi!” Yamapi explodes. “I didn’t know where you were and I didn’t want to call you in case you WERE trying to avoid me, and I’ve been fucking worried about you.” He sounds grumpy, like a petulant child denied ice cream, and Jin, despite himself, thinks it’s cute.

 

Jin doesn’t have the energy to argue right now, or to feel anything. He just wants to sleep. “I’m not avoiding you. You’re my best friend,” he mumbles. His mouth feels full of cotton.

 

“Okay,” he hears Yamapi say. “Okay.”

 

The rest of the drive passes in a haze, and when they get back to the apartment, Jin barely pauses to pull off his boots before going straight into his room and collapsing on the bed, still wearing his winter coat and knit hat.

 

Pi follows him into the room, and sighs again. “You’re hopeless,” he says, and tugs Jin’s coat off his arms, grabbing his hat, too. Then he rolls Jin onto his back, and drags the blanket out from under him, pulling it over him. He presses a dry kiss to Jin’s temple. “Absolutely hopeless.”

 

Jin snuggles contentedly under the blanket, only vaguely aware of Yamapi’s weight on the bed next to him.

 

“Goodnight, Jin,” Pi whispers, and Jin is asleep.

 

***

 

Jin’s concerts go well. He’s traveling, so he doesn’t see Pi.

 

***

 

Yamapi comes to Jin’s last concert, the one at the Tokyo Dome. Jin’s fans scream like demons out of hell when Pi joins him on stage. Yamapi sings along to the chorus of Chocolate Love and Jin spares a moment to wonder if he knows it’s about them. But he’s caught up in the adrenaline, the rush of hearing his own name being screamed at him from stands filled with almost 25,000 people, 25,000 people who paid a minimum of 14,000 yen in a rush-buy, all to see HIM.

 

Jin Akanishi is a name all by himself now, and never is that brought home more than when Jin is standing on stage at the Tokyo Dome, surrounded by his first fans, his Japanese fans.

 

“I love you all very much,” he shouts into the mike as the show ends with Eternal. “These concerts in Japan have meant more to me than anything I’ve ever done in my life. So thank you.” He feels himself choking up, so he bows, low, to the audience, both to hide his face and to show them respect—thanking them for their continued support, even during the days when he let them down again and again. “I’ll keep trying my best, for you,” he finishes.

 

This is one of the happiest days he’s had in a long time.

 

Yamapi is waiting for him after he showers and gets changed, right by the artist exits. His hand is linked with some girl’s. “Jin! What a great show!” Yamapi’s hair is a little sweaty from the stage lights. “This is Rika, by the way,” he says, introducing her.

 

Jin is filled with rage, but manages to keep it to a cool boil. He smiles politely at the girl, anger filling up the hollow pit of his stomach. “Nice to meet you,” he says to the girl, a pretty little thing who looks much too young for Pi. “Rika, is it? I’m Jin.” He holds out a hand, and shakes it excitedly.

 

“Well, of course you are!” she squeals, and Jin winces at the sound. “The show was AMAZING!” she gushes, and Jin can’t help but admire her exuberance.

 

Yamapi clears his throat and pulls Rika closer to his side with an arm around her waist. “Do you want to go and get something to eat with us, right now? We waited around so we could ask you.”

 

Jin looks at Yamapi incredulously, wondering what kind of response Pi is expecting. “No thank you,” he replies, his voice coming out a little hotter than he would have liked, but not as enraged as he feels. “I’m going to go home and get some rest.”

 

“But it’s the last show!” Pi whines, and Rika looks up at him adoringly. Jin thinks he might vomit up wrath. “You HAVE to celebrate! And you’re leaving tomorrow, right? You can sleep on the plane!”

 

“It’s not up for debate,” Jin says sharply, and walks brusquely past them to his car. “See you later.” He turns back, and bows politely at Rika. “Nice to meet you, Miss Rika.”

 

Jin feels himself trembling with fury the whole way home. He goes into the kitchen and bangs the pots and pans around, before deciding to eat instant ramen, and doesn’t clean anything up. He sits on the couch and slurps noodles, watching his DVDs of The Wire and trying to immerse himself in someone else’s problems for a while.

 

When Yamapi comes home 4 hours later, smelling of grilled meat and sex, Jin doesn’t say a word to him. It takes Yamapi and hour to notice that Jin has not opened his mouth once, except to take sips of beer, and sits next to him on the couch with his arms crossed.

 

“Alright, what’s wrong?”

 

Jin says nothing.

 

“Is this about Rika? I know she’s a little annoying, but she’s a nice girl and you would have liked her if you’d just gotten the stick out of your ass—“

 

Jin finally turns to look at him. “You just don’t get it, do you?”

 

Yamapi tilts his head to the side at Jin’s tone, frigid and short. “Get what? I introduced you to a nice girl I’m seeing and you acted like a psychopath.”

 

“Remember,” Jin’s voice shakes. “Remember that time Keiko showed up at your birthday party with that guy a week after you broke up?”

 

Pi’s eyes widen. “Yeah, what a bitch! She KNEW I still had feelings for her and she brought that guy to my BIRTHDAY PARTY, knowing…” his voice trails off, and his eyes start to fill with horror. “Jin, I didn’t think…”

 

Jin’s voice is cold now; the shaking has stopped. Now it just sounds empty, even to his own ears. “You never think, do you? You just keep pulling out a knife and stabbing me. It’s so cruel.”

 

Yamapi’s tone is defensive. “Now Jin, I didn’t do it on purpose. I’m not used to all this—“

 

Jin explodes. “NO, YOU’RE PURPOSELY PUSHING IT OUT OF YOUR HEAD, AVOIDING IT SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!” Jin is screaming, and feels bad for the neighbors. “AND EVERY TIME YOU FORGET, YOU END UP HURTING ME! LIKE I DON’T MEAN A DAMN THING TO YOU!”

 

“I didn’t ask for this!” Pi screams back. “I didn’t make you fall in love with me! This little INFATUATION or whatever it is RUINED EVERYTHING. You’ve ruined everything and now I don’t even know what to do about you! I just want everything to be like it was, when it wasn’t so HARD. Why can’t you just get over it?! Get over me?!”

 

Jin’s all out of steam now. “You’re right,” he whispers, and the rage melts away to a feeling of inconsolable despair. “This is all my fault,” and his voice must sound as dead as he feels inside, because Yamapi’s looking at him, guilt stricken.

 

“No, Jin, I didn’t mean it like that, I’m just—“ Jin doesn’t really hear him, because he feels like he’s got an ocean in his head.

 

“It’s okay,” he says, as he numbly stands up. “I’m leaving tomorrow, anyway.”

 

He locks himself in his room, and sobs into his pillow. Twenty minutes later, Yamapi pounds on his door. “Jin, come out and talk to me, please.” His voice is begging.

 

Jin pretends to be asleep.

 

“Jin, I’m sorry,” he hears from the other side of the door, and Jin hopes the pillow is muffling the sound of his crying.

 

***

 

Jin emerges from his room about 10 minutes before he has to leave for the airport, debating between calling Ryo and calling a taxi. He’s thinking the taxi, because the taxi won’t ask him uncomfortable questions like “Why can’t Yamashita take you?” or “Why didn’t you call a cab, bitch?”

 

But Yamapi is sitting on the arm of the couch waiting for him, car keys in hand. “Cutting it close, aren’t we?”

 

Jin doesn’t really have a response, and figures there’s nothing to do but follow. Yamapi grabs his rolling suitcase from him, and Jin jumps when their fingers brush as the handle goes from his grasp to Pi’s. “Sorry,” Pi mumbles, and Jin doesn’t say anything.

 

The 30 minutes ride to the airport is pretty quiet, Yamapi asking a few questions and not really getting much from Jin except for grunts and nods.

 

It’s a relief, really, when the car pulls into a parking space. Yamapi pops the trunk as Jin climbs out, immediately lighting a cigarette. He pretends his hands aren’t shaking. When Yamapi’s pulled his backpack and his suitcase from the trunk, Jin turns to him. “You should sell that apartment,” he says, and Pi bites his lip, looking down. “I probably won’t come back to it. I’ll send Reio to get my stuff at some point.”

 

“Jin…”

 

“And I’m going to do my best, okay?” Jin forces a smile onto his face, the best one he can manage while his heart is tearing itself to shreds. “To get over you, yeah?”

 

Pi’s eyes are filled with something Jin can’t name. “No, Jin, I’m…”

 

“And then we can be best friends again, okay? Maybe we just can’t live together for awhile, and I really should be living by myself, I’m 28 now, you know?” Jin can hear a little hysteria creeping into his voice, so he stops talking. “Well, goodbye.” He starts to walk away.

 

Yamapi grabs him suddenly in a one armed hug, making Jin drop his cigarette, pulling him to his muscular chest, and Jin can hear his heart beating, slow and steady. “Email me when you get to LA, Bakanishi,” he says, then lets go.

 

Jin can feel him watching as he walks through the sliding glass doors.

Part 4