maayacolabackup

Title: But Wreckage Washed Ashore
Pairing: Koki/Kame, Kame/Jin
Rating: R
Summary: It's easy to love Kame. He's just a soft little boy who pretends to be hard, grinding his hips when the stage lights glare down and shivering at a touch when no one is watching.

***

It's easy to love Kame. He's just a soft little boy who pretends to be hard, grinding his hips when the stage lights glare down and shivering at a touch when no one is watching.

He's like a statue of glitter, only sparkling when the world lights up. He's like the rolling sea, too, crashing against the shores of hearts but he's deeper than he looks.

His wide, square hands rest warm on Koki's shoulder, and Koki is drowning, drowning, drowning in Kame's eyes, in his touch, in his laugh and in his heart.

*

Kame's tongue is wet and hot, sliding into Koki's mouth before he has a chance to think about it, before he has a chance to say no, or to say yes. It slips across Koki's tongue, tangling them together, pulling a low grunt from Koki's chest, and Kame's hands are unpredictable. The short fingers are everywhere, and then they are nowhere, but either way, Kame's mouth presses steady against his own, and Koki can't breathe, because the water is too deep.

"Kame-chan, what..." Koki gasps out, between molten kisses and desperate, bruising touches.

"Make me forget," Kame says, and Koki doesn't know how he's supposed to do that, when the memories are everywhere.

But it's easy to love Kame, and Koki's loved him as long as he can remember, and he'll do his best.

*

When Jin leaves right after debut, Kame falls apart. He doesn't have a breakdown, and he doesn't cry. He doesn't stop singing, or dancing, or smiling, or laughing, but Koki can see the strain at the seams like no one else can. Kame's fractured gaze is like a vase that's been smashed and pieced carefully back together, but when you shine the stage fluorescents down on him, little glimpses of light sneak through the cracks that don't fit back together quite right.

*

The first time he falls in love with Kame he's young, and Kame is even younger. Kame's smile is really gentle, full of hope and admiration, full of blossoming affection and endless youth. Kame is sparkling, glimmering under the sunlight, and Koki thinks he's so painfully beautiful. He wants to reach out and pull him close.

The problem is, Kame isn't looking at him. He thinks Kame might not even notice he's here at all right now.

Waves crash inside Koki's chest, and he is but wreckage washed ashore.

*

Kame's nails scratch a line down his back, and his teeth pull at Koki's lips, and when Kame draws blood Koki doesn't mind. Kame is hard and hot against his belly, and he hisses when Koki reaches down to touch him through his jeans, pushes his hips out and toward Koki, seeking more contact.

Koki can only pull him closer, and kiss him harder. "Koki," Kame whispers against his cheek with wet breathes. "Koki, more." Koki slides the zipper down on Kame's jeans, and sinks his hand down them to wrap around Kame's cock.

When Kame comes, spilling over his hand and on his too expensive designer shirt, he rests his head in the hollow of Koki's shoulder, and Koki pretends Kame isn't crying.

Koki can only try to help Kame carry the heavy burden of that abandoned A.

*

It's almost unbearable to know they touch each other at night, to hear "Kazuya," expelled in soft sighs into the midnight air.

"You okay?" Nakamaru asks him, and all Koki can do is swallow and close his eyes. Even though it's night, it feels like the sun is beating down on him, burning him up as he lies in the sand, desperate for the lick of salty sea.

*

The first time they kiss is at Jin's twenty-fifth birthday party. Kame is drunker than he should be, eyes over-bright and glassy. Jin is pressed against a blonde girl, and when they disappear Kame looks lost, like he doesn't know what to do. Koki wraps an arm around his shoulder, and Kame pulls him closer.

"I don't know what to do," Kame says, and Koki can barely hear him above the noise of the club. "I don't know what to do."

"Don't look at him anymore," Koki tells him. "Don't look at him at all."

"I can't stop," Kame whispers, but it carries, and Koki can hear him easily, this time. "I don't know how. I don't know what else to look at."

"Me," Koki says, and his helplessness swells like the sea after a storm. "Look at me instead."

Kame blinks unfocused eyes at him, and Koki leans down. Kame tastes like ocean foam, and he bubbles under Koki's searching lips, and he rolls, and Koki can't remember how to swim.

"Make me forget," Kame says, and Koki wants to, so so bad.

*

It takes a toll, treading water so long and not knowing when you'll be able to stop swimming. Sometimes Koki imagines giving up, and letting the force of Kame's longing and misery suck him under and steal all the breath from his lungs.

It would be easier, if everything went to black.

*

Kame sleeps with his head on Koki's thighs, long hair waving around him like a halo. Koki looks down on him, and wants to touch him, but doesn't. Kame isn't his, not really. Koki is a balm, a bandage over the bleeding wound of Jin's absence. Koki is but a speck in the endless waters of Kame's love for Jin, and no matter how hard he tries, he can't cover all of the distance.

"Are you okay?" Nakamaru asks him, and still, all Koki can do is swallow and close his eyes.

*

When Jin leaves for good, it feels like something that has already happened, but they're all a little stunned anyway, a little bewildered that it's actually over.

Kame is so so quiet, and he retreats into his depths and no one can reach him, not even Koki.

Especially not Koki.

*

Koki changes his hairstyle a thousand times, and his fashion that many times tenfold. He changes the way he sings, and the way he dances so often he can't remember where he started from.

The one thing he can't change is his constant heart, which rises and falls with the tide of Kame's smile.

Kame is sparkling and smiling again, and Koki doesn't even know why, but he knows Kame isn't looking at him.

*

The sheets are cool underneath them, and Kame is warm pressed against his side, hand curled around Koki's ribs and sharp jaw digging into his collar.

"Make me forget," he whispers against Koki's flush skin, and Koki is so tired of swimming.

"I don't know if you can," Koki replies, and the soft skin of Kame's cheeks tastes like salt as Koki licks the drops of liquid away.

He tries not to hear Jin's name on Kame's lips when they come together again. He almost manages.

*

It's easy to love Kame. He's just a soft little boy who pretends to be hard, grinding his hips when the stage lights glare down and shivering at a touch when no one is watching.

He's like the rolling sea, too, deeper than he looks, and Koki has almost drowned one too many times.

And then he washes up onto the hot, dry sand, and Koki is but wreckage on the shore.