The Five Senses: Taste (4/6)

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Taste

Link to Masterpost

Yamapi hates mushrooms. He hates the taste, the texture, the slimy gray color, everything.

Jin loves them though, and picks them out of Yamapi’s food and eats them with relish.

It almost convinces Yamapi that his taste buds are wrong, but when he tries them in secret, to see if he can feel the way Jin seems to feel when he eats them, he realizes that all the mushrooms are best left to Jin.

Jin likes stealing them off Yamapi’s plate like a prize, anyway.

 
Mushroom Hunting

***

Kamenashi picks Yamapi up at one in the afternoon. His hand, as he guides Yamapi around after demanding that Miles stay at home, is bony and cold, not gentle like Jin’s.

 Kamenashi takes him to a tea house. “You need to see someone besides Jin,” Kamenashi says. “Otherwise I’m worried for your mental health.”

They’re served an appetizer of sweets, squares of jelly and almond paste that slide smoothly down his throat. He likes the way the powdered sugar sticks to his teeth and to his cheeks. It’s a very Japanese taste, and Yamapi’s never appreciated it before. The taste seems to have a color to him now, or maybe it’s his memory superimposing the color onto the experience. He never knows, these days.

The tea, though, is bitter on his tongue, leaving an acrid taste in his mouth.

“How are you doing?” Kamenashi says, his voice cutting into Yamapi’s unfavorable contemplation of his tea.

“I’m okay,” Yamapi says. “I’m doing okay.”

Kamenashi sighs, and Yamapi takes another gulp of his nasty tea.

“No really,” Kamenashi asks him again. “How are you?”

Yamapi stiffens. “Is this another dig on Jin? He’s really been there for me, and…”

“God no,” Kamenashi says. “Jin’s gone above and beyond the call of duty as far as you’re concerned. He’s proven his dedication beyond a shadow of a doubt, at this point.”

“He makes so much time for me,” Yamapi replies. “He’s always there when I need him, and the darkness…It’s easier to bear when he’s there.” Yamapi sighs, and licks his lips. There’s a bit of sugar powder on his lips. Jin would have wiped it off for him already, but Yamapi doubts Kamenashi has even noticed it’s there. Still, it’s sweet and cuts through the taste of the tea. “He’s pretty much given up sleeping, I think.”

“He’s given up more than sleep for you, Yamashita,” Kamenashi says, as if whatever he is talking about is old news, and Yamapi is being silly for not recognizing…whatever it is.

“What are you talking about?” Yamapi queries, and Kamenashi sucks in a breath.

“You’re not serious,” He states. “You don’t…Jin didn’t even tell you…?”

“Tell me what?” Yamapi asks, something nervous in the pit of his stomach.

“Jin…” Kamenashi takes a deep breath, and Yamapi can imagine his eyebrows knitting together in that way they doo when he’s not sure what to say. “Word down the grapevine is that Jin turned down a pretty major Hollywood part because it involved four weeks in South Africa, and he didn’t want to leave you alone.”

Yamapi flashes back, to that night when he overheard Jin on the phone.

“Four weeks is a long time, and I need to be here.”

“But I could have…”

Kamenashi interrupts. “It wasn’t just about you, probably. With how Jin feels about you, he possibly didn’t think he could bear to leave you alone and have to worry about you the whole time. Plus, don’t pretend like you wouldn’t be devastated if your anchor was gone for a whole month, Yamashita.”

Kamenashi’s statement is heavy, and Yamapi struggles to parse it, to figure out what to turn over in his head first.

“What do you mean, how Jin feels about me?”

Kamenashi snorts, like he often does when Yamapi talks. “I’m not going to sit here and spell shit out for you,” Kamenashi drawls. “Because quite frankly, just because you’re blind right now, doesn’t mean you’re allowed to be blind.”

“What does that even mean?” Yamapi says, but he’s thinking about Jin right now, not bitchy Kamenashi, and he’s thinking about Jin’s career, since Jin’s clearly not thinking about it, and he’s thinking about how Jin’s touch on his arm is something he’s come to need more than he needs most things. He tries to imagine life without it for a month and it hurts, to think about that. His anchor.

The bitter taste in Yamapi’s mouth is not tea, now.

How to make Japanese Tea

***

Despite the various answers Yamapi gives to interviewers, he doesn’t have a favorite food.

That’s because he associates a lot of foods with a lot of different memories. Whenever he eats yakiniku, he thinks about his first two weeks as a member of NewS. They were tentative and unsure in each other’s presence, careful not to interrupt each other when speaking and using honorific speech so as not to cause any friction. Yamapi had been harboring a lot of bitterness about the 4Tops, too, so it wasn’t easy to embrace this new group of seemingly mismatched singers. But at the end of two weeks, the eight of them had gone out to a yakiniku place, and as the warm meat, juicy and tender, had disappeared into their mouths, the tension seemed to bleed out, and the conversation came freely. Uchi had gotten really, really drunk that night, and now, when he and Ryo go out for yakiniku, they compete over who can do a better Drunk Uchi impression, and neither of them ever win, because they’re both laughing too hard to decide the victor.

So in that sense, maybe yakiniku is one of his favorite foods.

But he also loves pizza with all the toppings, which makes him think of his and Jin’s first night together as roommates, where they drank way too much beer and giggled into the night on the floor wrapped in sleeping bags because they didn’t have any furniture moved in yet, because they were in the middle of painting. Jin’s face was flushed, because as much as Jin likes partying he can’t hold his liquor at all, and they were devouring the pizza like they hadn't eaten in days, and the cheese oozed from Jin’s mouth and it was disgusting but also so Jin that Yamapi can’t help but laugh.

When Yamapi eats pizza with all the toppings now, he remembers Jin’s huge gaping smile, so maybe that’s his favorite food.

Or maybe his favorite food is cheesecake, because it’s the one dessert Jin knows how to bake, so Jin makes it for him on his birthday and Yamapi always eats the whole thing because it’s fucking delicious. He also eats the whole thing because it makes Jin’s eyes light up with pleasure and pride, and Yamapi thinks that might make him feel fuller than the cake does.

 

***

When Kamenashi drops him back at home, he leads him quietly up to his apartment, and says goodbye as Yamapi fumbles with the key. After three or four tries, Kamenashi takes the key from his hand and slides it into the lock for him, before patting him on the back and departing.

When he opens the door, Miles jumps up on him, and licks his face, whining desperately. Why didn’t you take me with you? He seems to ask, and Yamapi laughs and forgets, for a while, how miserable he is about Jin and the movie and his own selfishness, just for a little while.

But later, as he tries to eat the sandwich Jin has made for him, it tastes like ashes in his mouth.

***

Jin’s mom is an amazing cook.

Yamapi’s mother is a lot of things, but an amazing cook is not one of them. She works full time, now, so she doesn’t have much time to think about cooking anyway, what with raising two kids by herself on an impossibly small budget.

Yamapi hardly sees her now. He misses her a lot, but he doesn’t know if he’d ever want his father to come back either, and that’s really the only way she’d be able to spend more time at home.

Rina has her own friends, and Yamapi has Jin. Jin seems to realize that Yamapi is lonely, inviting him around all the time, sneaking up behind him in hallways.

“Yamapi’s my best friend,” Jin tells his newly formed group, KAT-TUN, one day, and Yamapi blushes, because he’s clearly their sempai, but he’s embarrassed anyway, because Yamapi is always embarrassed, it seems.

They all smile at him, except Kamenashi, who scowls at him darkly whenever Jin isn’t looking. It makes Yamapi’s flavored water taste like wax in his mouth, and he swallows it hard, wondering what he’s done.

But then Jin takes his hand and takes him home, and Jin’s mother has made an amazing curry, and the waxy feeling in Yamapi’s mouth disappears.

The curry tastes like spices and like love, and Yamapi suddenly feels like he belongs. Jin’s arm presses against his own, and it’s reassuring, the way Jin is always reassuring, even when he’s stumbling his way through life. Jin doesn’t know what he’s doing at all, and Yamapi will follow him anyway.

Even later, when Yamapi returns to his own dark house, and no one is home, he can still taste those spices in his mouth, and feel the curry warm in his belly, and it’s like Jin is still there with him.

***

When Jin comes home that night, Yamapi immediately embraces him.

“What’s that for?” Jin asks, his voice strange.

“Just because,” Yamapi replies. He’s so selfish, but he wants Jin to be with him always.

Jin’s arms slip around him, and they stand there, just hugging. Jin’s heart is beating really fast, like a speeding train, and a bit of Jin’s hair makes it’s way into Yamapi’s mouth, but Yamapi doesn’t mind because he’s nothing if not used to accidentally encountering the taste of hairspray and glitter.

“How was your day?” Yamapi mumbles into Jin’s hair, and Jin laughs, and sounds a little breathless and glowy.

“I don’t know,” Jin answers. “But it’s better now.”

Yamapi smiles. Jin’s hands are rubbing small circles on his back. “Mine too,” Yamapi says.

Yamapi doesn’t know how long they stand there, but then his stomach grumbles, and Jin reluctantly pulls back. Yamapi feels the loss immediately, it leaves him cold and hungry in a different way, but he doesn’t quite understand how to fix it other than to pull Jin back into his arms.

‘Are you telling me to make dinner?” Jin says, and his voice is directed downward, like he’s talking to Yamapi’s stomach.

“You’re so good to me,” Yamapi whispers, and Jin rests a hand on his shoulder.

“You’re my best friend. Didn’t I tell you that over ten years ago?” Jin’s voice is smiling, if that’s possible. More like Yamapi knows by the sound of Jin’s voice that he is smiling. “I…care about you.” There’s a hesitation there, like Jin can’t think of what word to say.

“Can we have curry?” Yamapi pleads. “Your mom’s recipe?” Jin laughs loud and long at that, and makes an agreeing noise.

Yamapi hovers in the kitchen, with Jin pressing scraps and extra pieces of vegetables into Yamapi’s mouth as he cooks.

“Should I add cheese?” Jin asks, and then offers a small piece of mozzarella by pressing it to Yamapi’s lips. Yamapi opens his mouth to accept the gift, and accidentally pulls Jin’s fingers into his mouth along with it. Impertinently, he licks them, and Jin makes a small choked gasp and pulls back like he’s been burned.

“Yes,” Yamapi says, licking his lips now, “you should add the cheese.”

Jin’s breathing is uneven, and he’s not moving. The atmosphere has suddenly become thick, and Jin suddenly clears his throat. “Okay,” he says. “Cheese it is.”

Jin is quiet for the rest of the night, and Yamapi struggles to fill the silence by talking about his day, but all he did was talk to Kamenashi about Jin, and he’s not ready to broach that topic, either.

Later, as he gets ready for bed, he thinks about the salty taste of Jin’s fingers in his mouth, and the tangy flavor of mozzarella, and can’t help the inexplicable tingling in his belly when he thinks about it.

He goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth again, wondering if the taste can be burned out with spearmint, and he hears a sobbing sound from Jin’s room. Jin is talking to someone, on the phone maybe, and Yamapi knows he should keep walking. He shouldn’t stop and listen, but he does.

“It’s driving me crazy, Yuu!” he’s saying into the phone. “I feel like I’m going to burst, sometimes. Like my heart is literally going to explode.”

Yamapi clenches his hands into fists and forces himself to move away from the door.

It takes him six minutes to find the toothpaste and get it on his toothbrush. He’s sure he’s left a mess, because even after five months he’s still hopeless and helpless, like a small child.

The toothpaste tastes like acid and he doesn’t know why everything Jin does affects his taste buds.


Scent           Touch