Steal My Heart (Pin, NC-17) [2/2]
Sep. 4th, 2011 08:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
maayacolabackup***
It's as summer turns to fall that the news finally hits the papers, and Tomohisa takes the press by the horns, arranging a photo-shoot right off the bat, so that the paparazzi will stop stalking his apartment complex looking to get the money-shot of his baby.
He finds out that they've been 'found out' when Ryo calls him at seven in the morning, waking Tetsuya, and howls into to the phone. "Is this true?! Do you really have a secret baby?!"
Jin, who comes into Tomohisa's bedroom carrying a whiny, newly-awakened baby in his arms, winces at the tone of Ryo's voice, and snatches the phone from Tomohisa's hand. "Yes," Jin hisses into the phone, "And now he's awake, because your rude ass called at seven in the morning."
Jin slams the phone closed, and throws it on the bed in a huff. "The nerve of some people," he says, and then he pauses, looking at Tomohisa's face.
"Jin," Tomohisa says. "How did he find out?"
And then Jin goes pale, and they turn on the computer.
He calls Johnny, and Johnny calls Potato, and soon enough, Tomohisa has baby Tetsuya in his arms on a sofa, a camera woman telling him to turn this way and that.
Tomohisa has to fight the irrational urge to cover Tetsuya's face, his small little face that looks so like Tomohisa's own, but that sort of defeats the purpose of the photo-shoot, so Tomohisa squashes the urge, pressing it deep inside of him as Testuya giggles and musses his perfectly shaped hair.
It's been months since Tomohisa wore make-up and hairspray, and he thinks Tetsuya must associate the smell with Jin, because he keeps making confused mewls and reaching for hair, surprised when Tomohisa's is too short to reach his mouth.
It makes him laugh, Tetsuya's confused expression, and he's so busy laughing that he forgets that someone is taking photos, and it's only when the flash makes Tetsuya's eyes flutter closed in surprise that Tomohisa realizes they're still in public.
"Sorry," he apologizes, because Tomohisa doesn't like to lose focus when he's working, even when Tetsuya is being enchanting in his arms.
"No," the photographer tells him. "These ones are even better."
They're almost done when Tomohisa sees him, standing in the corner with his arms crossed, a small smile on his face, and Tomohisa breaks out in a huge grin as the tension in his shoulders finally dissipates completely, one that clearly surprises the photographer because she stops taking pictures. "Jin!" he says, and Jin approaches the edge of the set.
"Keep going, you're almost done," Jin says, and he bows his head in apology to the photographer, who looks intrigued.
"Akanishi, you should get in the picture," she says, and Jin hesitates for only a minute until he slides onto the couch next to Tomohisa, leaning against him slightly and blowing a little air onto Tetsuya's nose.
"Hey, buddy," Jin says, and Tetsuya gurgles. "You being good?"
"The best," Tomohisa says, and they smile at each other, and then the photographer claps her hands.
"Okay, we're all through," she says, and Jin, whose hair is pulled back in a tight ponytail, furrows his brow.
"But we didn't pose for any pictures?"
"Exactly," she says, and Jin shrugs, and then they take Tetsuya home.
"I'm glad you came," Tomohisa tells him in the car, and Jin's hand brushes his wrist in acknowledgement as he turns around to look at Tetsuya in his car seat. "It was hard."
"I was in the area," Jin says, but Tomohisa knows he's lying.
***
Tomohisa shows Tetsuya Rina's movie, when it comes out on DVD, so he can hear her voice. "That's your mom," he says, when Rina appears on the screen, but Tetsuya doesn't seem to take notice. He does take notice when Jin walks in the room, though, and holds his arms out for a hug.
***
When the magazine appears on newsstands, the first person to call him is Ryo.
"That's real gay," Ryo says into the phone as soon as Tomohisa answers the phone. "Like, hard gay."
"What are you talking about?" Tomohisa asks.
"You haven't looked at your Potato pictures yet, have you?" Ryo asks, and at Tomohisa's silence, Ryo sighs. "You should check those out."
Ryo drops by later, as he and Jin are trying to convince Tetsuya to eat carrots, and Ryo looks at the domestic scene with wide eyes.
"Two of Japan's biggest heartthrobs, defeated by a stubborn baby." Ryo's expression changes to amused. "Jin, I think you've got carrots in your hair."
Jin swears, and then apologizes profusely, like he always does, and Ryo laughs, pulling the magazine out of his bag and slapping it on the table
"Here's your gay photo spread," Ryo says, smirking. "Jin looks like his ovaries are about to explode in these pictures."
Jin snatches the magazine up and flips open to the insert, a blush spreading across his face as he looks at the pictures. "Oh my," Jin says, and then he slams the magazine closed and refuses to meet Tomohisa's questioning gaze.
"I'm going to go...take a shower," he says, and he disappears into the hallway. Tomohisa surveys the food carnage all over Tetsuya's high chair and the table and sighs.
"Way to leave me with the mess," he mumbles, but he doesn't really mind. He wipes his hands on his jeans as Ryo snickers, and opens up the magazine.
The pictures are...well, they're more like what Tomohisa dreams about in his head than what happens in real life, because even though Tomohisa is looking at the baby, Jin is looking at him, eyes soft and warm and full of affection. It's an intensely personal photograph, and Tomohisa is almost angry, because he's seeing that expression on Jin's face for the first time at the same time as all of Japan. Another photograph has Tomohisa looking longingly at Jin too, and that picture creates a sting of embarrassment deep in his gut, and he tries to ignore it.
"Jin was only there for like ten minutes," Tomohisa growls. "How'd they get this many shots?"
Still, his fingers trace over the glossy image of Jin's face, and his heart leaps into his throat. "You're looking at him like you're in love with him," Ryo says, snickering, and Tomohisa feels the sickening tightening in his belly he always feels when something scares him.
"I am," Tomohisa says, and Tetsuya catches his sleeve and tugs, and the smile falls off Ryo's face, to replaced with a serious expression.
"Oh," Ryo says. "How long have you two been...together?" Ryo asks, and Tomohisa swallows, turning away from Ryo to lift the food-covered Tetsuya into his arms.
"We're not," Tomohisa replies. "It's not like that, for him, I mean."
"Are you...sure?" Ryo says, his voice lilting a little with that annoying tinge of amusement he saves for special occasions when he knows something important. "Have you asked him what he feels?"
"No," Tomohisa says. "It's better if he doesn't know, for now. We're happy, like this."
"Yeah," Ryo says. "I guess you are."
But Tomohisa feels this intense desire to push his hands through Jin's hair and kiss the dark circles under his eyes when Jin comes back from the shower, and he wonders how long he can deny those urges.
Ryo excuses himself, claiming he has Kanjani business to take care of, and Jin awkwardly stands in the kitchen wearing just his jeans, a towel slung around his neck.
"About the pictures," Jin starts, and Tomohisa clutches the magazine in his hands.
"I think the pictures turned out beautifully," Tomohisa says. "I'm going to call and ask for copies."
He meets Jin's gaze evenly, and there's something wonderful lurking in Jin's eyes.
***
In the winter, Jin has to go to LA for two weeks to work on his album. He mopes the whole day before he leaves, and even Tetsuya notices something is wrong, his face getting redder and redder until he starts quietly sniffling.
"Why is he crying?" Jin frets, and Tomohisa sighs and runs a hand through his hair.
"Because you're crying," Tomohisa says, and Jin frowns and defensively hugs himself, sitting down on the edge of his bed as he debates between two equally hideous sweatshirts, and pouts at his mostly packed suitcase.
"No I'm not," Jin says, and Tomohisa scoots closer to Jin, sitting close to him on the bed. He leans his shoulder against Jin's, and Tetsuya watches them from his playpen, which Jin has set up today in the corner of the room, close but not too close to the space heater.
"Not on the outside, but you've been in a bad mood all day." Tomohisa feels Jin sigh, and he turns to look at him, and Jin is looking back. "Which I don't get. You love L.A. The women, the cars, the parties..."
"I'm not really interested in that kind of stuff anymore," Jin says, after a moment of silence. "And there's no Tetsuya in Los Angeles." Jin places his hand on Tomohisa's lower thigh, thumb toying with the denim seam on the inside of the knee. "There's no you in Los Angeles, either," he whispers, and Tomohisa wonders if it's possible to feel so in love you might explode if you keep it all inside of you. It boils in the pit of his gut, it boils and feels like it's bubbling over, and Tomohisa can't do anything to make it stop.
"We'll be waiting," Tomohisa says. "Right here." And he puts his hand over Jin's.
The house feels cold and desolate while Jin is gone, and Tetsuya refuses to eat carrots and Tomohisa feels empty and lonely. Tetsuya sleeps in bed with him at night, and both of them just keep missing Jin.
Jin calls on Wednesday, his voice rough with sleep, and Tomohisa feels better just hearing the sound of Jin's voice. "Tetsuya misses you something awful," Tomohisa says, and Jin smiles; he can hear Jin smiling.
"Let me talk to him," Jin demands, and Tomohisa doesn't bother to tell him that a seven month old baby can't talk, and just places the phone against Tetsuya's ear. "Hey, buddy," Tomohisa hears Jin say, and Tetsuya's face blooms into a wondrous smile. "You aren't giving your daddy any trouble, are you?"
"He won't sleep without you," Tomohisa says, and Jin clears his throat and starts to sing into the phone. It's not the same, as when he's here, of course it's not, but Tetsuya's eyes begin to droop anyway, and Tomohisa leans forward and puts the phone on speaker, so that Jin's melodious voice fills the house. Tetsuya finally falls to sleep in Tomohisa's lap, and Tomohisa carries him to his bedroom, where they've both been sleeping, lying down with the baby on his chest in bed. Jin's voice continues to pour from the speaker of Tomohisa's phone for another minute, and then it tapers off.
"Is he asleep?" Jin asks, and Tomohisa whispers "yes," into the phone.
"I've got to go," Jin says. "I've got to take a shower and go to the studio."
"Tomohisa misses you something awful, too," Tomohisa says, and Jin's breath hitches. "See you Sunday."
"Yeah," Jin says, and both of them hesitate to hang up the phone.
Jin hasn't come home by Tetsuya's bedtime on Sunday, so Tomohisa climbs into his bed with Tetsuya, the baby nestling his face into the soft flannel of Tomohisa's shirt, and Tetsuya's tiny snores drag him into sleep.
When he opens his eyes, maybe hours later, it's to Jin's face, and the weight of Jin's arm across his side. Tetsuya has fisted his hand into Jin's sweatshirt, and Jin smells like airplane and cigarettes and sweat. Tomohisa doesn't care, though, and he reaches around Jin's waist and pulls him closer, ignoring Jin's tiny gasp, and then easily drifts back to sleep to the sound of Tetsuya's breathing.
***
"Yamapi," Jin says, as they fold laundry, setting it in the basket next to Tetsuya, as Tetsuya lifts the articles of clothing out one by one and unfolds them. "Why didn't I know you were gay?"
Tomohisa sighs. "I don't know," he replies.
"Were you afraid to tell me?" Jin asks quietly, and he's just watching Tetsuya unfold laundry, his hands digging into the soft clean sheets in his hands as he waits.
"Of course not," Tomohisa answers, because if there's anything he's not afraid of in this world, it's of Jin leaving him over something as simple and fundamental to him as that. Jin has always accepted Tomohisa for who he is, and he hasn't asked many questions. Jin's heart is too big to care about that sort of thing anyway. "I guess I was just scared to think about what it meant for us," he admits, and his confession sits in the air, heavy.
Jin pauses and looks up at Tomohisa cautiously. "What it meant...for us?"
"We're best friends," Tomohisa says, and Jin drops the sheet and steps toward him.
"We are," Jin replies, and suddenly Jin is too close, and he and Tomohisa are breathing the same air. "Yamapi, I think..." Jin's eyelashes tickle Tomohisa's, and Tomohisa, almost against his will, feels his hand reach for Jin's, and his thumb brushes the back of Jin's hand.
"Jin," Tomohisa says, and he's terrified, because this feels like something even bigger between them than Tetsuya, something they can't take back. "Jin."
"I think I..." Jin starts again, and then the phone rings. The shrill ring makes Tomohisa come to his senses, and he drops Jin's hand, taking three steps back, his feet tangling in the sheet Jin dropped and making him stumble to the floor. Tetsuya giggles, but Jin doesn't. Jin just looks at him, eyes piercing and vulnerable and determined, and Tomohisa licks his lips.
"I'm going to get that," Tomohisa says, and bolts for the kitchen.
"Hello?" he says breathlessly into the phone.
"Tomo-chan, it's me," says a familiar voice. "It's Rina."
"Rina?" Tomohisa asks, and for some reason his hand digs into the phone. "What do you need?"
"I want to visit Tetsuya," she says, and her words sink like lead in Tomohisa's stomach.
"What?"
"Just a visit. I want to see my son."
It hurts, and Jin is watching him, eyes wide, hands still on the laundry.
When hangs up the phone, he sits down on the couch, next to the pile of unfolded clothes, face frozen in misery, and Jin shoves the clothes off the couch and curls into his side. He links their hands together, and Tomohisa relishes the warmth of his hand, and the comfort it brings.
Jin doesn't look at him. They both just watch Tetsuya, and feel each other's heart beats.
***
Rina comes to Tetsuya's first birthday party, and Tomohisa watches with despair as she holds his tiny hand in her own, her eyes filled with adoration.
It makes him sick with worry.
Jin doesn't like it either, but his hand is reassuring, pressed as it is into the small of Tomohisa's back.
When everyone leaves, Rina is the last to leave, and when Jin finally ushers her out the door, Tomohisa sags with relief. Jin comes back to him, and takes him in his arms, and presses the tiniest of kisses behind his ear, and Tomohisa feels it all the way down to his toes.
"I don't want to lose him," Tomohisa says, and Jin squeezes him tighter.
"We won't."
***
Tetsuya learns quickly that he's rewarded with Jin's laughter when he sprays water from the sink on Tomohisa, and now they can't stop him from sticking his chubby hand under the water so it flies everywhere in the kitchen.
Sometimes the water sprays Jin, too, and the water droplets sparkle on his eyelashes, making them glisten in the orange kitchen lights, and he looks ethereal, his mouth opened wide and loud, free laughs filling the kitchen with noise.
Tomohisa just watches him, mesmerized, and Tetsuya does too-- Tomohisa thinks it's because both of them love Jin so damn much it hurts.
Tetsuya is always soaking wet, and Jin never seems to care, he just picks him up and swings him around in circles, the breeze from the open window filling the air with the sweet smell of summer.
***
When Rina calls and says she's going to come over later, Tomohisa panics and calls Jin. Jin doesn't answer, and Tomohisa knew he wouldn't, because Jin is in a meeting with some reps from Warner Brothers, and doing important things, but he's still a little sad and anxious when he gets Jin's voice mail.
He gathers Tetsuya in his arms and sits Indian-style on the floor, rocking back and forth and wondering if maybe this is the last time he'll do this, hold Tetsuya to his chest, as Tetsuya's dad. He wonders if this time tomorrow, the toys that litter the living room will be in bags, and the baby-food in the fridge will be in boxes, all ready to leave with Rina as she reclaims her baby. He wonders if he'll go to bed tonight looking at an empty crib.
The very idea of Tetsuya leaving cuts him all the way through, makes him feel like shriveling up inside. It's like his whole world is in danger of falling apart, and all he wants is Jin to come home and tell him everything is going to be okay, but Jin can't come home right now, and Tomohisa is left to wallow in his terrible thoughts.
But then, suddenly, a key is turning in the door, and there's Jin, looking flush from exertion and breathing hard, his hair in disarray. He looks breathtaking, wearing a navy button down tucked into dark slacks, and a simple black tie that hangs loosened around his neck. "Is everything okay? Is Tetsuya okay?"
Tomohisa means to answer him, he really does, but instead he just starts crying, and Tetsuya, feeling Tomohisa's silent sobs, starts crying too, and Jin just falls to his knees and wraps them both into his arms.
Jin's arms are warm, and the skin of Jin's neck is soft as Tomohisa buries his face there, inhaling the scent of Jin's aftershave and the soft vanilla of his shampoo, soaking in the comfort Jin offers without a second thought. "Jin, Rina's coming," Tomohisa says, and Jin freezes.
"What?"
"Rina's coming, and I think she wants to take Tetsuya," Tomohisa says, and Jin swears, and Tomohisa wants to admonish him, but he kind of wants to swear too.
"There's no way she can just come and take him, right?" Jin asks desperately, as he presses Tomohisa's face more firmly into the crook of his neck. "I mean, we've had him for a year, Pi. He's not her baby, not really."
"The law says differently," Tomohisa says. "And she always said she'd be back for him." Tomohisa pulls away from Jin, because Tetsuya is making tiny noises of discomfort. "I guess I didn't want to believe her."
Jin looks at him with eyes shimmering, and Tomohisa wants to trace the shape of Jin's face with his fingers, to reassure himself that at least Jin is here with him now, and maybe if they have each other everything will be okay.
But then Tetsuya burbles, and Tomohisa's heart seizes, shakes in his chest, and he knows he can't lose this little boy, not if he wants to ever feel whole again.
Jin's in the kitchen when Rina knocks on the door, and Tomohisa answers the door with Tetsuya draped across his chest.
Rina's still got that designer purse, and her shoes still match. He make-up's still perfect. Tomohisa looks down, though, and her nails have freshly done French tips. "Hey, Tomo," she says softly, and Tomohisa can see in her expression, as she looks at Tetsuya, that she's come to take him away.
"Not yet," he whispers, and she looks up at him in surprise. "I'm not ready."
"I told you it wasn't forever," Rina says, and Tomohisa holds Tetsuya a little tighter against his chest. Tetsuya wriggles uncomfortably in his firm grip, and Tomohisa looks down at his round face and at the eyes that look just like his own. "Tetsuya deserves to grow up with his mother."
"I know," Tomohisa admits, and as he says the words he feels the world crashing down around him.
"You can't take him away," Jin says from the doorway. "You can't take him away just like that."
"He's my son," Rina says, something firm and dangerous in her voice.
Jin snorts. "Yeah, biologically."
"Jin," Tomohisa says quietly. "Don't make this any harder than it has to be."
"No, I'm going to make this very hard." Jin's voice is hoarse, and Tomohisa can see his eyes are wet. "You left him here with Pi and I over a year ago, Rina. I love you like a sister, and you are Pi's sister, but hell if I'm going to let you ruin our family. I'm famous, and I have a lot of lawyers."
Rina gaps at him, her eyes round disks, and Tomohisa feels time stop. Our family, he thinks, and Tetsuya's four fingers and thumb curl into the fabric of Tomohisa's shirt, right over his heart. Jin walks over to where Tomohisa is sitting on the floor, and puts his hand on Tomohisa's neck, and his palm is warm and soft.
Tomohisa swallows, and reaches up to slide his hand under Jin's, and twines their fingers together. "Rina..." Tomohisa says, and Rina just stares at them. She looks down when Tetsuya makes a cooing noise, and reaches his chubby arms out toward Jin. He makes a sound, a sound that Tomohisa has come to think means Jin, and Jin picks him up, and Tetsuya immediately pulls a piece of Jin's hair into his mouth and chews.
"I can't let you take him away from me," Tomohisa says, and he's never meant anything more in his life. He doesn't know what his chances are in a court, or what will happen if all of this gets dragged into the public eye, but all he knows is that he doesn't care as long as it means he doesn't have to wake up tomorrow and see Tetsuya's empty crib and hear the house in haunting silence.
"I'm his mother, Tomo," Rina says, and her voice is sharp and quavering. Tomohisa almost folds, but Jin's pulse beats steady in his fingers.
"No," Tomohisa says gently. "I am."
"But I want..." she starts, before her face crumples, and she wraps her arms around herself. "I want to be a part of his life, too," Rina says, and Tomohisa doesn't know what to do.
Rina is his sister. When his dad left, and his mom worked all day, coming home too exhausted to even talk most nights, it had been him and Rina against the world. And she had trusted him with her son.
But when Tomohisa looks up at Jin, holding Tetsuya in his right arm, and his left hand intertwined with Tomohisa's own, he feels a burst of possessiveness so fierce it almost makes him cease breathing. Because Tetsuya isn't her son, not really. Tetsuya is his son, and he's Jin's son, and he's their son, and they're raising him together.
"You can be," Jin says, and Rina hiccups, pausing in her tears to stare at Jin.
"What do you mean?"
"We're probably... going to have an extra room soon," Jin says, and then he looks nervously at Tomohisa, like he's asking for permission, or acceptance, or maybe some indication that Tomohisa understands what he's asking.
"We are?" Tomohisa says dumbly, and Jin flushes and yanks his hand out of Tomohisa's quickly.
"Well, maybe I misunderstood," Jin says quickly, his face tomato red. "I guess I shouldn't assume anything, and..."
Our family, Tomohisa hears in his mind again, and that's when he realizes. Jin, his Jin, he thinks, looks scared and nervous and hesitant, and Tomohisa doesn't want him to feel any of these things ever again, at least not about Tomohisa himself.
Tomohisa waits until Jin's anxious gaze meets his own, and he smiles, softly, and Tetsuya tugs on Jin's hair, and Jin doesn't seem to notice. "How do you always figure these things out first?" Tomohisa asks rhetorically, and Jin's smile lights up every part of the room, and every corner of Tomohisa's heart, too.
Tomohisa turns to Rina, who's still watching them both, eyeing their silent conversation with curiosity and hope. "You wanna live here, with us?" Tomohisa asks her. "That way you can see Tetsuya every day, and be a part of his life, too."
"I..." Rina chokes, and then she gathers herself, and smiles. It's a watery smile, and the marks on her face from her eye make-up remind Tomohisa of how she looked when she first left Tetsuya in his arms in spring a year ago. "I think that would be just fine," she says, and Jin let's out a cheer, and Tetsuya giggles, and Tomohisa looks at them both and feels like nothing in the world could possibly feel better than this.
***
When Rina leaves that night, and it's just Jin and Tomohisa and Tetsuya again, Jin suddenly gets nervous and flees the living room, taking a drowsy Tetsuya with him, and Tomohisa is left standing in the living room alone and bemused.
Tetsuya falls asleep under the watchful eyes of Jin as Tomohisa showers. The water feels burning on his back, as it washes away the stress of the evening, and leaves him with only thoughts of Jin.
He's pulling on his t-shirt when Jin appears in the doorway, still wearing his dress shirt and slacks. His hair is pulled back in a ponytail now though, and the top buttons of his shirt are undone, sleeves rolled up. He's biting his lip, and his eyebrows meet in the center of his forehead. Tomohisa's doesn't know if he's ever seen that particular expression on Jin's face before, and he's not sure if he likes it.
"I'm sorry for earlier," Jin blurts out, and his hand grips the molding of the door so tight that Tomohisa wonders if it hurts. "I shouldn't have sprung that on you, and that's not how I wanted to tell you at all that I-- and it wasn't the right time or place for me to just throw that out of nowhere, and--" He's babbling, and Tomohisa thinks he's never seen Jin look so perfect.
"Jin," Tomohisa says. "Shut up."
Jin swallows and steps into the room. "Okay," Jin says. "Okay."
Tomohisa puts his arms through the holes in his t-shirt, and calmly walks toward Jin. When he reaches him, he slides his hands into Jin's thick hair, pulling out the ponytail and releasing the fluffy mass onto Jin's shoulders. "I love you, too," Tomohisa says, before he leans down and kisses him.
It's the lightest touch of lips on lips, and now Jin smells like baby lotion and vanilla, mixed in some intoxicating combination that makes Tomohisa take a second breath. Jin gasps, and a little of his air rushes out and blows on Tomohisa's closed mouth. Jin's lips are chapped, too, and it doesn't matter, because then Jin lifts his hands and settles them softly on Tomohisa's shoulders, and then Jin is kissing him back.
Jin's tongue teases at his lips, and Tomohisa parts them without thinking, because it's Jin, and even though they've never kissed before, Tomohisa feels like he knows what to do with Jin, because Jin is a part of him, anyway. Feeling Jin's tongue against his teeth doesn't feel like a revelation, it feels like the next step, somehow, like everything in the past years has been leading up to this inevitable press of mouths, this inevitable meeting of tongues, the inevitable digging of Jin's nails into the skin of Tomohisa's shoulder blades and the inevitable clutching of Jin's sweet-scented hair between his fingers.
Jin gasps into his mouth, and Tomohisa swallows the sound and tilts his head to the left, sweeping along the roof of Jin's mouth to see if he can make him do it again.
When they part, minutes later, Tomohisa looks at Jin, who is looking back at him with a kiss-swollen mouth and shining eyes, and he wonders if he'll ever need anything else.
"You ruined my confession," Jin says, his lips curling into a tiny grin. "I had it all planned out."
"We don't need confessions, do we?" Tomohisa asks, reaching forward and clasping Jin's thin wrist between his fingers, feeling the rapid beating of Jin's heart. It matches his own. "It's us. Of course I love you."
"I guess we don't," Jin says, freeing his wrist and wrapping his arms around Tomohisa's waist. He presses his lips to Tomohisa's cheek, and then slides along Tomohisa's jaw all the way to his ear. "But if we did." Jin's hands slips under Tomohisa's shirt, and they're so warm on his back. "If we did, I would tell you that you've been my everything since you were seventeen. I would tell you that the reason I've never been in love before is because I had already given my heart to you, and so there was nothing left to give to anyone else. I would tell you that you, and Tetsuya, are the first things I think about when I open my eyes, and the last things I think about when I go to sleep. That when I think about the future, as foggy and uncertain as it is, the only thing I know for sure about is you."
Tomohisa shivers, and his hands slide up Jin's arms, feeling the soft fabric of his dress shirt and the heat of the skin underneath. "If we needed confessions," Tomohisa tells him, as he cradles Jin's jaw between his hands. "That would be a pretty good one." And then he finds Jin's mouth again, and this time it's not soft, and it's not gentle. It's hot, and Tomohisa feels like he's on fire, and every touch of Jin's broad hands stokes the fire hotter.
Tomohisa lets his mouth slip away from Jin's and work its way down the column of Jin's neck, and Jin tilts his head back to allow him access. The tiny sounds of pleasure that escape Jin as his lips and tongue explore Jin's throat and collar make Tomohisa want to taste every inch of skin. His hands furiously unbutton Jin's shirt, and when he succeeds, and the shirt falls open to reveal the tan expanse of Jin's chest, Tomohisa takes in the sight as if it's new, because in a way it is, because finally, finally, he can touch, and it can mean that Jin is his, like Tetsuya is his, like they're both just his, and no one else's.
But Jin's got other plans, and he shoves Tomohisa backwards toward the bed, and Tomohisa's knees hit the edge and he sits, grabbing Jin's shirt in both hands and pulling him on top of him and they fall to the bed. Jin's mouth seeks his own, and Tomohisa is only too happy to help him find it, and then it feels like Jin's hands are everywhere, stretched across his back and sliding up his abs and tugging on his hair, and Tomohisa can't breathe, because there are so many more important things he could be doing, like tasting Jin's groans and feeling the hardness of Jin's arousal pressing into his thigh through Jin's dress pants and the fabric of Tomohisa's briefs.
They part so Jin can pull Tomohisa's shirt over his head, and Tomohisa spares a vague thought about what a waste it was to even put it on, and then Jin's lips seal around his nipple, and Tomohisa doesn't have any more spare thoughts, or any thoughts at all really, because it's all he can do to wind his hands through Jin's hair.
Jin kisses his way down Tomohisa's abdomen, licking at the indentations between his abs that haven't faded with fatherhood or hiatus, and his tongue swirls a quick circle around Tomohisa's navel, drawing a moan from his lips that makes Jin smirk with satisfaction. Jin lifts his head as he reaches the waistband of Tomohisa's briefs, and there's a mischievous sparkle in his eyes.
"You're such a DILF," Jin says, and the last word sounds like English, and the way Jin says is makes him know it's wildly inappropriate. Jin's hands tug on Tomohisa's briefs, and Tomohisa lifts his hips so Jin can slide them down his legs. "It means 'Dad I'd Like to Fuck'," Jin tells him, and then his cock is in Jin's mouth, and Tomohisa doesn't think that sounds like a bad idea at all.
"You can," he says, and Jin's mouth pauses for a second before going all the way down, and Tomohisa's eyes roll up into the back of his head. Jin's lips and tongue tease him to the edge, and Tomohisa tries not to yank at Jin's hair too hard, but he can't seem to help it, and even better, Jin seems to like it, releasing tiny groans that vibrate around Tomohisa's cock when Tomohisa gives a particularly hard tug. "Jin, please," Tomohisa says, and Jin chuckles and speeds up, and Tomohisa can feel the tightening in his balls that signals his impending release.
A noise from Tetsuya's room makes Jin pause, and then the noise comes again, and Jin lifts up from Tomohisa's cock with a soft pop. "Hold that thought, Pi," Jin says, and then Tomohisa is left lying on the bed, panting and so close it hurts, as Jin disappears to go check on Tetsuya. It feels like hours that Tomohisa lies there, but it's probably less than a minute, and then Jin is back. "Your son is dreaming," Jin tells him, and Tomohisa, despite his desperate arousal, laughs.
"He gets that from you," Tomohisa replies, and Jin leans down and kisses him, slow and hot, and Tomohisa undoes his pants, and shoves those and his boxers down, freeing Jin's cock. He wraps a hand around it, and Jin hisses at the long-awaited friction, and Tomohisa loves the sound, and flicks his thumb over the head, trying to make it happen again. Jin just kisses him harder, before pulling away and looking into Tomohisa's eyes.
"Do you have lube? Condoms?"
"I'm a grown man," Tomohisa says, amused, and Jin laughs, and reaches over to Tomohisa's bedside table, finding the items neatly in a pink basket. Jin's hands are shaking as he puts a little bit of lube on his fingers, and Tomohisa reaches up and wraps his hands around the outside of Jin's hands to steady them. "It's okay."
"I don't want to hurt you," Jin says, and Tomohisa smiles.
"You won't," he says, and then he guides Jin down, to where the tight ring of muscle waits. He clenches his jaw when the first finger slides in, and Jin watches him with trepidation. Tomohisa's body adjusts to the intrusion quickly though, as Jin's finger moves slowly in and out, and soon he's lifting his hips to meet Jin's rather tentative thrusts. "Another," Tomohisa gasps, and Jin moans loudly as the second finger finds it's way inside, and the sound makes Tomohisa tighten around Jin's fingers, and Jin is looking at him in wonder.
"Pi," he whispers, and then he presses a needy kiss to Tomohisa's neck, sucking the skin into his mouth and undoubtedly leaving a mark.
A third finger barely registers through the haze of pleasure and pain that fills Tomohisa's mind, and then the fingers disappear, and Jin is ripping open the condom and slipping it on, coating the exterior with more lube, as Tomohisa watches with a foggy gaze. "I don't think we're quite ready for another baby, yet," Jin jokes, but his Adam's apple is quivering, and Tomohisa somehow pulls his hands free of the bedsheets to rest gently against Jin's cheeks.
"I love you," Tomohisa tells him, and then Jin slides inside of him, and the world fades away.
***
Jin looks at him across the breakfast table sometimes, hair askew from sleep, wet toddler handprints on his shirt from Tetsuya's breakfast, and face shadowed with the tiniest of beards because he hasn't shaved yet, and Tomohisa feels so full, of love and of hope and of joy. And then Jin smiles at him, and reaches across the table, and twines their fingers together, and Tetsuya giggles, and the future seems impossibly bright.
Tomohisa isn't scared anymore.
It's as summer turns to fall that the news finally hits the papers, and Tomohisa takes the press by the horns, arranging a photo-shoot right off the bat, so that the paparazzi will stop stalking his apartment complex looking to get the money-shot of his baby.
He finds out that they've been 'found out' when Ryo calls him at seven in the morning, waking Tetsuya, and howls into to the phone. "Is this true?! Do you really have a secret baby?!"
Jin, who comes into Tomohisa's bedroom carrying a whiny, newly-awakened baby in his arms, winces at the tone of Ryo's voice, and snatches the phone from Tomohisa's hand. "Yes," Jin hisses into the phone, "And now he's awake, because your rude ass called at seven in the morning."
Jin slams the phone closed, and throws it on the bed in a huff. "The nerve of some people," he says, and then he pauses, looking at Tomohisa's face.
"Jin," Tomohisa says. "How did he find out?"
And then Jin goes pale, and they turn on the computer.
He calls Johnny, and Johnny calls Potato, and soon enough, Tomohisa has baby Tetsuya in his arms on a sofa, a camera woman telling him to turn this way and that.
Tomohisa has to fight the irrational urge to cover Tetsuya's face, his small little face that looks so like Tomohisa's own, but that sort of defeats the purpose of the photo-shoot, so Tomohisa squashes the urge, pressing it deep inside of him as Testuya giggles and musses his perfectly shaped hair.
It's been months since Tomohisa wore make-up and hairspray, and he thinks Tetsuya must associate the smell with Jin, because he keeps making confused mewls and reaching for hair, surprised when Tomohisa's is too short to reach his mouth.
It makes him laugh, Tetsuya's confused expression, and he's so busy laughing that he forgets that someone is taking photos, and it's only when the flash makes Tetsuya's eyes flutter closed in surprise that Tomohisa realizes they're still in public.
"Sorry," he apologizes, because Tomohisa doesn't like to lose focus when he's working, even when Tetsuya is being enchanting in his arms.
"No," the photographer tells him. "These ones are even better."
They're almost done when Tomohisa sees him, standing in the corner with his arms crossed, a small smile on his face, and Tomohisa breaks out in a huge grin as the tension in his shoulders finally dissipates completely, one that clearly surprises the photographer because she stops taking pictures. "Jin!" he says, and Jin approaches the edge of the set.
"Keep going, you're almost done," Jin says, and he bows his head in apology to the photographer, who looks intrigued.
"Akanishi, you should get in the picture," she says, and Jin hesitates for only a minute until he slides onto the couch next to Tomohisa, leaning against him slightly and blowing a little air onto Tetsuya's nose.
"Hey, buddy," Jin says, and Tetsuya gurgles. "You being good?"
"The best," Tomohisa says, and they smile at each other, and then the photographer claps her hands.
"Okay, we're all through," she says, and Jin, whose hair is pulled back in a tight ponytail, furrows his brow.
"But we didn't pose for any pictures?"
"Exactly," she says, and Jin shrugs, and then they take Tetsuya home.
"I'm glad you came," Tomohisa tells him in the car, and Jin's hand brushes his wrist in acknowledgement as he turns around to look at Tetsuya in his car seat. "It was hard."
"I was in the area," Jin says, but Tomohisa knows he's lying.
***
Tomohisa shows Tetsuya Rina's movie, when it comes out on DVD, so he can hear her voice. "That's your mom," he says, when Rina appears on the screen, but Tetsuya doesn't seem to take notice. He does take notice when Jin walks in the room, though, and holds his arms out for a hug.
***
When the magazine appears on newsstands, the first person to call him is Ryo.
"That's real gay," Ryo says into the phone as soon as Tomohisa answers the phone. "Like, hard gay."
"What are you talking about?" Tomohisa asks.
"You haven't looked at your Potato pictures yet, have you?" Ryo asks, and at Tomohisa's silence, Ryo sighs. "You should check those out."
Ryo drops by later, as he and Jin are trying to convince Tetsuya to eat carrots, and Ryo looks at the domestic scene with wide eyes.
"Two of Japan's biggest heartthrobs, defeated by a stubborn baby." Ryo's expression changes to amused. "Jin, I think you've got carrots in your hair."
Jin swears, and then apologizes profusely, like he always does, and Ryo laughs, pulling the magazine out of his bag and slapping it on the table
"Here's your gay photo spread," Ryo says, smirking. "Jin looks like his ovaries are about to explode in these pictures."
Jin snatches the magazine up and flips open to the insert, a blush spreading across his face as he looks at the pictures. "Oh my," Jin says, and then he slams the magazine closed and refuses to meet Tomohisa's questioning gaze.
"I'm going to go...take a shower," he says, and he disappears into the hallway. Tomohisa surveys the food carnage all over Tetsuya's high chair and the table and sighs.
"Way to leave me with the mess," he mumbles, but he doesn't really mind. He wipes his hands on his jeans as Ryo snickers, and opens up the magazine.
The pictures are...well, they're more like what Tomohisa dreams about in his head than what happens in real life, because even though Tomohisa is looking at the baby, Jin is looking at him, eyes soft and warm and full of affection. It's an intensely personal photograph, and Tomohisa is almost angry, because he's seeing that expression on Jin's face for the first time at the same time as all of Japan. Another photograph has Tomohisa looking longingly at Jin too, and that picture creates a sting of embarrassment deep in his gut, and he tries to ignore it.
"Jin was only there for like ten minutes," Tomohisa growls. "How'd they get this many shots?"
Still, his fingers trace over the glossy image of Jin's face, and his heart leaps into his throat. "You're looking at him like you're in love with him," Ryo says, snickering, and Tomohisa feels the sickening tightening in his belly he always feels when something scares him.
"I am," Tomohisa says, and Tetsuya catches his sleeve and tugs, and the smile falls off Ryo's face, to replaced with a serious expression.
"Oh," Ryo says. "How long have you two been...together?" Ryo asks, and Tomohisa swallows, turning away from Ryo to lift the food-covered Tetsuya into his arms.
"We're not," Tomohisa replies. "It's not like that, for him, I mean."
"Are you...sure?" Ryo says, his voice lilting a little with that annoying tinge of amusement he saves for special occasions when he knows something important. "Have you asked him what he feels?"
"No," Tomohisa says. "It's better if he doesn't know, for now. We're happy, like this."
"Yeah," Ryo says. "I guess you are."
But Tomohisa feels this intense desire to push his hands through Jin's hair and kiss the dark circles under his eyes when Jin comes back from the shower, and he wonders how long he can deny those urges.
Ryo excuses himself, claiming he has Kanjani business to take care of, and Jin awkwardly stands in the kitchen wearing just his jeans, a towel slung around his neck.
"About the pictures," Jin starts, and Tomohisa clutches the magazine in his hands.
"I think the pictures turned out beautifully," Tomohisa says. "I'm going to call and ask for copies."
He meets Jin's gaze evenly, and there's something wonderful lurking in Jin's eyes.
***
In the winter, Jin has to go to LA for two weeks to work on his album. He mopes the whole day before he leaves, and even Tetsuya notices something is wrong, his face getting redder and redder until he starts quietly sniffling.
"Why is he crying?" Jin frets, and Tomohisa sighs and runs a hand through his hair.
"Because you're crying," Tomohisa says, and Jin frowns and defensively hugs himself, sitting down on the edge of his bed as he debates between two equally hideous sweatshirts, and pouts at his mostly packed suitcase.
"No I'm not," Jin says, and Tomohisa scoots closer to Jin, sitting close to him on the bed. He leans his shoulder against Jin's, and Tetsuya watches them from his playpen, which Jin has set up today in the corner of the room, close but not too close to the space heater.
"Not on the outside, but you've been in a bad mood all day." Tomohisa feels Jin sigh, and he turns to look at him, and Jin is looking back. "Which I don't get. You love L.A. The women, the cars, the parties..."
"I'm not really interested in that kind of stuff anymore," Jin says, after a moment of silence. "And there's no Tetsuya in Los Angeles." Jin places his hand on Tomohisa's lower thigh, thumb toying with the denim seam on the inside of the knee. "There's no you in Los Angeles, either," he whispers, and Tomohisa wonders if it's possible to feel so in love you might explode if you keep it all inside of you. It boils in the pit of his gut, it boils and feels like it's bubbling over, and Tomohisa can't do anything to make it stop.
"We'll be waiting," Tomohisa says. "Right here." And he puts his hand over Jin's.
The house feels cold and desolate while Jin is gone, and Tetsuya refuses to eat carrots and Tomohisa feels empty and lonely. Tetsuya sleeps in bed with him at night, and both of them just keep missing Jin.
Jin calls on Wednesday, his voice rough with sleep, and Tomohisa feels better just hearing the sound of Jin's voice. "Tetsuya misses you something awful," Tomohisa says, and Jin smiles; he can hear Jin smiling.
"Let me talk to him," Jin demands, and Tomohisa doesn't bother to tell him that a seven month old baby can't talk, and just places the phone against Tetsuya's ear. "Hey, buddy," Tomohisa hears Jin say, and Tetsuya's face blooms into a wondrous smile. "You aren't giving your daddy any trouble, are you?"
"He won't sleep without you," Tomohisa says, and Jin clears his throat and starts to sing into the phone. It's not the same, as when he's here, of course it's not, but Tetsuya's eyes begin to droop anyway, and Tomohisa leans forward and puts the phone on speaker, so that Jin's melodious voice fills the house. Tetsuya finally falls to sleep in Tomohisa's lap, and Tomohisa carries him to his bedroom, where they've both been sleeping, lying down with the baby on his chest in bed. Jin's voice continues to pour from the speaker of Tomohisa's phone for another minute, and then it tapers off.
"Is he asleep?" Jin asks, and Tomohisa whispers "yes," into the phone.
"I've got to go," Jin says. "I've got to take a shower and go to the studio."
"Tomohisa misses you something awful, too," Tomohisa says, and Jin's breath hitches. "See you Sunday."
"Yeah," Jin says, and both of them hesitate to hang up the phone.
Jin hasn't come home by Tetsuya's bedtime on Sunday, so Tomohisa climbs into his bed with Tetsuya, the baby nestling his face into the soft flannel of Tomohisa's shirt, and Tetsuya's tiny snores drag him into sleep.
When he opens his eyes, maybe hours later, it's to Jin's face, and the weight of Jin's arm across his side. Tetsuya has fisted his hand into Jin's sweatshirt, and Jin smells like airplane and cigarettes and sweat. Tomohisa doesn't care, though, and he reaches around Jin's waist and pulls him closer, ignoring Jin's tiny gasp, and then easily drifts back to sleep to the sound of Tetsuya's breathing.
***
"Yamapi," Jin says, as they fold laundry, setting it in the basket next to Tetsuya, as Tetsuya lifts the articles of clothing out one by one and unfolds them. "Why didn't I know you were gay?"
Tomohisa sighs. "I don't know," he replies.
"Were you afraid to tell me?" Jin asks quietly, and he's just watching Tetsuya unfold laundry, his hands digging into the soft clean sheets in his hands as he waits.
"Of course not," Tomohisa answers, because if there's anything he's not afraid of in this world, it's of Jin leaving him over something as simple and fundamental to him as that. Jin has always accepted Tomohisa for who he is, and he hasn't asked many questions. Jin's heart is too big to care about that sort of thing anyway. "I guess I was just scared to think about what it meant for us," he admits, and his confession sits in the air, heavy.
Jin pauses and looks up at Tomohisa cautiously. "What it meant...for us?"
"We're best friends," Tomohisa says, and Jin drops the sheet and steps toward him.
"We are," Jin replies, and suddenly Jin is too close, and he and Tomohisa are breathing the same air. "Yamapi, I think..." Jin's eyelashes tickle Tomohisa's, and Tomohisa, almost against his will, feels his hand reach for Jin's, and his thumb brushes the back of Jin's hand.
"Jin," Tomohisa says, and he's terrified, because this feels like something even bigger between them than Tetsuya, something they can't take back. "Jin."
"I think I..." Jin starts again, and then the phone rings. The shrill ring makes Tomohisa come to his senses, and he drops Jin's hand, taking three steps back, his feet tangling in the sheet Jin dropped and making him stumble to the floor. Tetsuya giggles, but Jin doesn't. Jin just looks at him, eyes piercing and vulnerable and determined, and Tomohisa licks his lips.
"I'm going to get that," Tomohisa says, and bolts for the kitchen.
"Hello?" he says breathlessly into the phone.
"Tomo-chan, it's me," says a familiar voice. "It's Rina."
"Rina?" Tomohisa asks, and for some reason his hand digs into the phone. "What do you need?"
"I want to visit Tetsuya," she says, and her words sink like lead in Tomohisa's stomach.
"What?"
"Just a visit. I want to see my son."
It hurts, and Jin is watching him, eyes wide, hands still on the laundry.
When hangs up the phone, he sits down on the couch, next to the pile of unfolded clothes, face frozen in misery, and Jin shoves the clothes off the couch and curls into his side. He links their hands together, and Tomohisa relishes the warmth of his hand, and the comfort it brings.
Jin doesn't look at him. They both just watch Tetsuya, and feel each other's heart beats.
***
Rina comes to Tetsuya's first birthday party, and Tomohisa watches with despair as she holds his tiny hand in her own, her eyes filled with adoration.
It makes him sick with worry.
Jin doesn't like it either, but his hand is reassuring, pressed as it is into the small of Tomohisa's back.
When everyone leaves, Rina is the last to leave, and when Jin finally ushers her out the door, Tomohisa sags with relief. Jin comes back to him, and takes him in his arms, and presses the tiniest of kisses behind his ear, and Tomohisa feels it all the way down to his toes.
"I don't want to lose him," Tomohisa says, and Jin squeezes him tighter.
"We won't."
***
Tetsuya learns quickly that he's rewarded with Jin's laughter when he sprays water from the sink on Tomohisa, and now they can't stop him from sticking his chubby hand under the water so it flies everywhere in the kitchen.
Sometimes the water sprays Jin, too, and the water droplets sparkle on his eyelashes, making them glisten in the orange kitchen lights, and he looks ethereal, his mouth opened wide and loud, free laughs filling the kitchen with noise.
Tomohisa just watches him, mesmerized, and Tetsuya does too-- Tomohisa thinks it's because both of them love Jin so damn much it hurts.
Tetsuya is always soaking wet, and Jin never seems to care, he just picks him up and swings him around in circles, the breeze from the open window filling the air with the sweet smell of summer.
***
When Rina calls and says she's going to come over later, Tomohisa panics and calls Jin. Jin doesn't answer, and Tomohisa knew he wouldn't, because Jin is in a meeting with some reps from Warner Brothers, and doing important things, but he's still a little sad and anxious when he gets Jin's voice mail.
He gathers Tetsuya in his arms and sits Indian-style on the floor, rocking back and forth and wondering if maybe this is the last time he'll do this, hold Tetsuya to his chest, as Tetsuya's dad. He wonders if this time tomorrow, the toys that litter the living room will be in bags, and the baby-food in the fridge will be in boxes, all ready to leave with Rina as she reclaims her baby. He wonders if he'll go to bed tonight looking at an empty crib.
The very idea of Tetsuya leaving cuts him all the way through, makes him feel like shriveling up inside. It's like his whole world is in danger of falling apart, and all he wants is Jin to come home and tell him everything is going to be okay, but Jin can't come home right now, and Tomohisa is left to wallow in his terrible thoughts.
But then, suddenly, a key is turning in the door, and there's Jin, looking flush from exertion and breathing hard, his hair in disarray. He looks breathtaking, wearing a navy button down tucked into dark slacks, and a simple black tie that hangs loosened around his neck. "Is everything okay? Is Tetsuya okay?"
Tomohisa means to answer him, he really does, but instead he just starts crying, and Tetsuya, feeling Tomohisa's silent sobs, starts crying too, and Jin just falls to his knees and wraps them both into his arms.
Jin's arms are warm, and the skin of Jin's neck is soft as Tomohisa buries his face there, inhaling the scent of Jin's aftershave and the soft vanilla of his shampoo, soaking in the comfort Jin offers without a second thought. "Jin, Rina's coming," Tomohisa says, and Jin freezes.
"What?"
"Rina's coming, and I think she wants to take Tetsuya," Tomohisa says, and Jin swears, and Tomohisa wants to admonish him, but he kind of wants to swear too.
"There's no way she can just come and take him, right?" Jin asks desperately, as he presses Tomohisa's face more firmly into the crook of his neck. "I mean, we've had him for a year, Pi. He's not her baby, not really."
"The law says differently," Tomohisa says. "And she always said she'd be back for him." Tomohisa pulls away from Jin, because Tetsuya is making tiny noises of discomfort. "I guess I didn't want to believe her."
Jin looks at him with eyes shimmering, and Tomohisa wants to trace the shape of Jin's face with his fingers, to reassure himself that at least Jin is here with him now, and maybe if they have each other everything will be okay.
But then Tetsuya burbles, and Tomohisa's heart seizes, shakes in his chest, and he knows he can't lose this little boy, not if he wants to ever feel whole again.
Jin's in the kitchen when Rina knocks on the door, and Tomohisa answers the door with Tetsuya draped across his chest.
Rina's still got that designer purse, and her shoes still match. He make-up's still perfect. Tomohisa looks down, though, and her nails have freshly done French tips. "Hey, Tomo," she says softly, and Tomohisa can see in her expression, as she looks at Tetsuya, that she's come to take him away.
"Not yet," he whispers, and she looks up at him in surprise. "I'm not ready."
"I told you it wasn't forever," Rina says, and Tomohisa holds Tetsuya a little tighter against his chest. Tetsuya wriggles uncomfortably in his firm grip, and Tomohisa looks down at his round face and at the eyes that look just like his own. "Tetsuya deserves to grow up with his mother."
"I know," Tomohisa admits, and as he says the words he feels the world crashing down around him.
"You can't take him away," Jin says from the doorway. "You can't take him away just like that."
"He's my son," Rina says, something firm and dangerous in her voice.
Jin snorts. "Yeah, biologically."
"Jin," Tomohisa says quietly. "Don't make this any harder than it has to be."
"No, I'm going to make this very hard." Jin's voice is hoarse, and Tomohisa can see his eyes are wet. "You left him here with Pi and I over a year ago, Rina. I love you like a sister, and you are Pi's sister, but hell if I'm going to let you ruin our family. I'm famous, and I have a lot of lawyers."
Rina gaps at him, her eyes round disks, and Tomohisa feels time stop. Our family, he thinks, and Tetsuya's four fingers and thumb curl into the fabric of Tomohisa's shirt, right over his heart. Jin walks over to where Tomohisa is sitting on the floor, and puts his hand on Tomohisa's neck, and his palm is warm and soft.
Tomohisa swallows, and reaches up to slide his hand under Jin's, and twines their fingers together. "Rina..." Tomohisa says, and Rina just stares at them. She looks down when Tetsuya makes a cooing noise, and reaches his chubby arms out toward Jin. He makes a sound, a sound that Tomohisa has come to think means Jin, and Jin picks him up, and Tetsuya immediately pulls a piece of Jin's hair into his mouth and chews.
"I can't let you take him away from me," Tomohisa says, and he's never meant anything more in his life. He doesn't know what his chances are in a court, or what will happen if all of this gets dragged into the public eye, but all he knows is that he doesn't care as long as it means he doesn't have to wake up tomorrow and see Tetsuya's empty crib and hear the house in haunting silence.
"I'm his mother, Tomo," Rina says, and her voice is sharp and quavering. Tomohisa almost folds, but Jin's pulse beats steady in his fingers.
"No," Tomohisa says gently. "I am."
"But I want..." she starts, before her face crumples, and she wraps her arms around herself. "I want to be a part of his life, too," Rina says, and Tomohisa doesn't know what to do.
Rina is his sister. When his dad left, and his mom worked all day, coming home too exhausted to even talk most nights, it had been him and Rina against the world. And she had trusted him with her son.
But when Tomohisa looks up at Jin, holding Tetsuya in his right arm, and his left hand intertwined with Tomohisa's own, he feels a burst of possessiveness so fierce it almost makes him cease breathing. Because Tetsuya isn't her son, not really. Tetsuya is his son, and he's Jin's son, and he's their son, and they're raising him together.
"You can be," Jin says, and Rina hiccups, pausing in her tears to stare at Jin.
"What do you mean?"
"We're probably... going to have an extra room soon," Jin says, and then he looks nervously at Tomohisa, like he's asking for permission, or acceptance, or maybe some indication that Tomohisa understands what he's asking.
"We are?" Tomohisa says dumbly, and Jin flushes and yanks his hand out of Tomohisa's quickly.
"Well, maybe I misunderstood," Jin says quickly, his face tomato red. "I guess I shouldn't assume anything, and..."
Our family, Tomohisa hears in his mind again, and that's when he realizes. Jin, his Jin, he thinks, looks scared and nervous and hesitant, and Tomohisa doesn't want him to feel any of these things ever again, at least not about Tomohisa himself.
Tomohisa waits until Jin's anxious gaze meets his own, and he smiles, softly, and Tetsuya tugs on Jin's hair, and Jin doesn't seem to notice. "How do you always figure these things out first?" Tomohisa asks rhetorically, and Jin's smile lights up every part of the room, and every corner of Tomohisa's heart, too.
Tomohisa turns to Rina, who's still watching them both, eyeing their silent conversation with curiosity and hope. "You wanna live here, with us?" Tomohisa asks her. "That way you can see Tetsuya every day, and be a part of his life, too."
"I..." Rina chokes, and then she gathers herself, and smiles. It's a watery smile, and the marks on her face from her eye make-up remind Tomohisa of how she looked when she first left Tetsuya in his arms in spring a year ago. "I think that would be just fine," she says, and Jin let's out a cheer, and Tetsuya giggles, and Tomohisa looks at them both and feels like nothing in the world could possibly feel better than this.
***
When Rina leaves that night, and it's just Jin and Tomohisa and Tetsuya again, Jin suddenly gets nervous and flees the living room, taking a drowsy Tetsuya with him, and Tomohisa is left standing in the living room alone and bemused.
Tetsuya falls asleep under the watchful eyes of Jin as Tomohisa showers. The water feels burning on his back, as it washes away the stress of the evening, and leaves him with only thoughts of Jin.
He's pulling on his t-shirt when Jin appears in the doorway, still wearing his dress shirt and slacks. His hair is pulled back in a ponytail now though, and the top buttons of his shirt are undone, sleeves rolled up. He's biting his lip, and his eyebrows meet in the center of his forehead. Tomohisa's doesn't know if he's ever seen that particular expression on Jin's face before, and he's not sure if he likes it.
"I'm sorry for earlier," Jin blurts out, and his hand grips the molding of the door so tight that Tomohisa wonders if it hurts. "I shouldn't have sprung that on you, and that's not how I wanted to tell you at all that I-- and it wasn't the right time or place for me to just throw that out of nowhere, and--" He's babbling, and Tomohisa thinks he's never seen Jin look so perfect.
"Jin," Tomohisa says. "Shut up."
Jin swallows and steps into the room. "Okay," Jin says. "Okay."
Tomohisa puts his arms through the holes in his t-shirt, and calmly walks toward Jin. When he reaches him, he slides his hands into Jin's thick hair, pulling out the ponytail and releasing the fluffy mass onto Jin's shoulders. "I love you, too," Tomohisa says, before he leans down and kisses him.
It's the lightest touch of lips on lips, and now Jin smells like baby lotion and vanilla, mixed in some intoxicating combination that makes Tomohisa take a second breath. Jin gasps, and a little of his air rushes out and blows on Tomohisa's closed mouth. Jin's lips are chapped, too, and it doesn't matter, because then Jin lifts his hands and settles them softly on Tomohisa's shoulders, and then Jin is kissing him back.
Jin's tongue teases at his lips, and Tomohisa parts them without thinking, because it's Jin, and even though they've never kissed before, Tomohisa feels like he knows what to do with Jin, because Jin is a part of him, anyway. Feeling Jin's tongue against his teeth doesn't feel like a revelation, it feels like the next step, somehow, like everything in the past years has been leading up to this inevitable press of mouths, this inevitable meeting of tongues, the inevitable digging of Jin's nails into the skin of Tomohisa's shoulder blades and the inevitable clutching of Jin's sweet-scented hair between his fingers.
Jin gasps into his mouth, and Tomohisa swallows the sound and tilts his head to the left, sweeping along the roof of Jin's mouth to see if he can make him do it again.
When they part, minutes later, Tomohisa looks at Jin, who is looking back at him with a kiss-swollen mouth and shining eyes, and he wonders if he'll ever need anything else.
"You ruined my confession," Jin says, his lips curling into a tiny grin. "I had it all planned out."
"We don't need confessions, do we?" Tomohisa asks, reaching forward and clasping Jin's thin wrist between his fingers, feeling the rapid beating of Jin's heart. It matches his own. "It's us. Of course I love you."
"I guess we don't," Jin says, freeing his wrist and wrapping his arms around Tomohisa's waist. He presses his lips to Tomohisa's cheek, and then slides along Tomohisa's jaw all the way to his ear. "But if we did." Jin's hands slips under Tomohisa's shirt, and they're so warm on his back. "If we did, I would tell you that you've been my everything since you were seventeen. I would tell you that the reason I've never been in love before is because I had already given my heart to you, and so there was nothing left to give to anyone else. I would tell you that you, and Tetsuya, are the first things I think about when I open my eyes, and the last things I think about when I go to sleep. That when I think about the future, as foggy and uncertain as it is, the only thing I know for sure about is you."
Tomohisa shivers, and his hands slide up Jin's arms, feeling the soft fabric of his dress shirt and the heat of the skin underneath. "If we needed confessions," Tomohisa tells him, as he cradles Jin's jaw between his hands. "That would be a pretty good one." And then he finds Jin's mouth again, and this time it's not soft, and it's not gentle. It's hot, and Tomohisa feels like he's on fire, and every touch of Jin's broad hands stokes the fire hotter.
Tomohisa lets his mouth slip away from Jin's and work its way down the column of Jin's neck, and Jin tilts his head back to allow him access. The tiny sounds of pleasure that escape Jin as his lips and tongue explore Jin's throat and collar make Tomohisa want to taste every inch of skin. His hands furiously unbutton Jin's shirt, and when he succeeds, and the shirt falls open to reveal the tan expanse of Jin's chest, Tomohisa takes in the sight as if it's new, because in a way it is, because finally, finally, he can touch, and it can mean that Jin is his, like Tetsuya is his, like they're both just his, and no one else's.
But Jin's got other plans, and he shoves Tomohisa backwards toward the bed, and Tomohisa's knees hit the edge and he sits, grabbing Jin's shirt in both hands and pulling him on top of him and they fall to the bed. Jin's mouth seeks his own, and Tomohisa is only too happy to help him find it, and then it feels like Jin's hands are everywhere, stretched across his back and sliding up his abs and tugging on his hair, and Tomohisa can't breathe, because there are so many more important things he could be doing, like tasting Jin's groans and feeling the hardness of Jin's arousal pressing into his thigh through Jin's dress pants and the fabric of Tomohisa's briefs.
They part so Jin can pull Tomohisa's shirt over his head, and Tomohisa spares a vague thought about what a waste it was to even put it on, and then Jin's lips seal around his nipple, and Tomohisa doesn't have any more spare thoughts, or any thoughts at all really, because it's all he can do to wind his hands through Jin's hair.
Jin kisses his way down Tomohisa's abdomen, licking at the indentations between his abs that haven't faded with fatherhood or hiatus, and his tongue swirls a quick circle around Tomohisa's navel, drawing a moan from his lips that makes Jin smirk with satisfaction. Jin lifts his head as he reaches the waistband of Tomohisa's briefs, and there's a mischievous sparkle in his eyes.
"You're such a DILF," Jin says, and the last word sounds like English, and the way Jin says is makes him know it's wildly inappropriate. Jin's hands tug on Tomohisa's briefs, and Tomohisa lifts his hips so Jin can slide them down his legs. "It means 'Dad I'd Like to Fuck'," Jin tells him, and then his cock is in Jin's mouth, and Tomohisa doesn't think that sounds like a bad idea at all.
"You can," he says, and Jin's mouth pauses for a second before going all the way down, and Tomohisa's eyes roll up into the back of his head. Jin's lips and tongue tease him to the edge, and Tomohisa tries not to yank at Jin's hair too hard, but he can't seem to help it, and even better, Jin seems to like it, releasing tiny groans that vibrate around Tomohisa's cock when Tomohisa gives a particularly hard tug. "Jin, please," Tomohisa says, and Jin chuckles and speeds up, and Tomohisa can feel the tightening in his balls that signals his impending release.
A noise from Tetsuya's room makes Jin pause, and then the noise comes again, and Jin lifts up from Tomohisa's cock with a soft pop. "Hold that thought, Pi," Jin says, and then Tomohisa is left lying on the bed, panting and so close it hurts, as Jin disappears to go check on Tetsuya. It feels like hours that Tomohisa lies there, but it's probably less than a minute, and then Jin is back. "Your son is dreaming," Jin tells him, and Tomohisa, despite his desperate arousal, laughs.
"He gets that from you," Tomohisa replies, and Jin leans down and kisses him, slow and hot, and Tomohisa undoes his pants, and shoves those and his boxers down, freeing Jin's cock. He wraps a hand around it, and Jin hisses at the long-awaited friction, and Tomohisa loves the sound, and flicks his thumb over the head, trying to make it happen again. Jin just kisses him harder, before pulling away and looking into Tomohisa's eyes.
"Do you have lube? Condoms?"
"I'm a grown man," Tomohisa says, amused, and Jin laughs, and reaches over to Tomohisa's bedside table, finding the items neatly in a pink basket. Jin's hands are shaking as he puts a little bit of lube on his fingers, and Tomohisa reaches up and wraps his hands around the outside of Jin's hands to steady them. "It's okay."
"I don't want to hurt you," Jin says, and Tomohisa smiles.
"You won't," he says, and then he guides Jin down, to where the tight ring of muscle waits. He clenches his jaw when the first finger slides in, and Jin watches him with trepidation. Tomohisa's body adjusts to the intrusion quickly though, as Jin's finger moves slowly in and out, and soon he's lifting his hips to meet Jin's rather tentative thrusts. "Another," Tomohisa gasps, and Jin moans loudly as the second finger finds it's way inside, and the sound makes Tomohisa tighten around Jin's fingers, and Jin is looking at him in wonder.
"Pi," he whispers, and then he presses a needy kiss to Tomohisa's neck, sucking the skin into his mouth and undoubtedly leaving a mark.
A third finger barely registers through the haze of pleasure and pain that fills Tomohisa's mind, and then the fingers disappear, and Jin is ripping open the condom and slipping it on, coating the exterior with more lube, as Tomohisa watches with a foggy gaze. "I don't think we're quite ready for another baby, yet," Jin jokes, but his Adam's apple is quivering, and Tomohisa somehow pulls his hands free of the bedsheets to rest gently against Jin's cheeks.
"I love you," Tomohisa tells him, and then Jin slides inside of him, and the world fades away.
***
Jin looks at him across the breakfast table sometimes, hair askew from sleep, wet toddler handprints on his shirt from Tetsuya's breakfast, and face shadowed with the tiniest of beards because he hasn't shaved yet, and Tomohisa feels so full, of love and of hope and of joy. And then Jin smiles at him, and reaches across the table, and twines their fingers together, and Tetsuya giggles, and the future seems impossibly bright.
Tomohisa isn't scared anymore.
