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maayacolabackup***
"Your pictures," Shige said, and he handed the bundle of yesterday's photos to Ryo. Their hands brushed, and Shige snatched his hand away quickly.
"Are you okay?" Ryo queried. "You look exhausted. Did you not sleep last night? I knew you looked sick." Ryo looked down at the photos in his hands. "Are these contaminated by your cooties?"
Shige laughed, and his sleep deprivation headache twinged. "I'm not sick," he said, and then closed his eyes as Ryo opened the pictures.
"Where are yours?"
"Hmm?" Shige asked, opening his heavy lids again to look at Ryo, before remembering it was a bad idea, because Ryo was going to be just as gorgeous and unattainable as he was yesterday, and would be tomorrow. "My pictures?"
"Yes," Ryo said. "I never trust a teacher for whom I've only seen limited work. The only photos of yours I've seen are the New York photos of Koyama, and the ones on your blog."
"Ahh," Shige replied. "Well--"
"Are you busy today?"
"What?"
"After work," Ryo said impatiently. "I don't have any Kanjani stuff to do today, so I'm free. Why don't I come home with you and you can show me your pictures."
There was no reason to say no, so Shige nodded. "Okay," he said.
When they arrived at Shige's place after rehearsal, Ryo immediately collapsed on the couch, and Shige brought them both a glass of water from his kitchen. "You look so tired," Ryo said. "I'm a little nervous that you're actually a zombie that's going to eat my flesh, but I feel like if you were a zombie, you wouldn't have bothered with your contacts this morning."
"I'll get some sleep tonight," Shige said, and licked his lips. I hope.
"You'd better. Your hair is enough of an eyesore that people will be overwhelmed with the tragedy of your appearance if you start looking like one of those people who stay in their rooms their whole lives watching low budget anime films."
"Those people have a disease, Ryo, and you shouldn't--"
"I know, I know," Ryo said, waving his hand and dismissing Shige's protests. Shige sat down on the opposite end of the couch from Ryo and Ryo automatically shifted closer, and Shige could feel the heat of him even through his sweatshirt.
Shige wanted to move away from Ryo, to sit as far away as he possibly could from the source of his confusion, but Ryo kept stubbornly sliding closer. "You promised you'd show me your pictures," Ryo said, and Shige jumped up to go get his album from the bedside table.
"Yes, my pictures. I'll be right back." Shige escaped to his room, closing the door behind him and leaning back against it, his heart attempting, it seemed, to beat itself right out of his chest. The album sat right where it always sat, and Shige picked it up with trembling hands.
"Here," he said, and Ryo smiled up at him, and Shige wondered if he was going to fall apart into a million pieces from his own nervous shaking.
Shige wished, more than anything, that he could go back to before, where he didn't know why his stomach clenched when Ryo smiled, and he didn't know why his heart beat faster when Ryo sat too close, or why all he could see were Ryo's dark, piercing eyes when he closed his own.
Ryo's eyes eagerly devoured page after page of Shige's album, a smile tugging at his lips at some of the photographs, and others made him tilt his head to the side to examine it from another angle. "Shige these are amazing," Ryo said, and Shige's heart leapt into his throat at the expression in Ryo's eyes. "Like, really amazing."
"Not really," Shige said in response, looking anywhere but at Ryo. He tried to fight all the feelings that kept bubbling up in his chest, but it seemed like now that he knew what they were, they wouldn't be denied, clamoring for every scrap of his attention and every last bit of his sanity.
It didn't help that it was all so hopeless, that no matter what Shige did, or how close he and Ryo became, he would never be what Ryo was looking for, because he would never be a woman.
"Shige," Ryo said, and Shige looked down at the album. The pictures under Ryo's fingers were from months ago. Shige remembered taking them-- remembered the way the shadows had played with the angles of Ryo's face, the way he had noticed the grace of Ryo's small but lithe form for the first time. "Shige, these photos..."
Shige could feel the weight of Ryo's gaze heavy on his neck, and he looked up to Ryo's awed expression. "Yeah?" Shige asked, wondering if Ryo could see all his confusion and fear and desire all wrapped up in his eyes.
"You made me look..." Ryo laughed awkwardly, like he didn't know how to phrase it. "You made me look kind of beautiful."
You are kinda beautiful, Shige wanted to say. The photographer captures what he sees, and Shige had always considered himself a true photographer. This is my honesty.
Ryo frowned at him. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Shige replied, but it clawed at his throat. Everything.
***
Koyama towered over his spread out body, blocking the sun as he looked down at Shige. The concrete of the roof felt hot on Shige's back, and he probably wasn't improving his already abysmal vision by looking directly into the sun. But somehow, up here, everything hurt a little less than it did under the stage lights or the soft lamps of his apartment. It was like the sun burned away all his feelings and he was left empty and hollow until he went back to rehearsal and Ryo's candid grin filled him up again.
"You look lost," Koyama said, sitting down next to him.
"I am," Shige responded, turning his head slightly to the side so he could look up at Koyama's profile.
"Why so lost?" Koyama asked, his warm brown eyes filled with concern.
"I don't know," Shige said, turning back to the sun. "I guess I'm in love." Saying it out loud made it slam into him so hard he thought he might drown in it. Love. It was nothing like he'd imagined it would be, nothing like the characters in dramas or the heroes in famous novels, nothing like a fairy tale, and nothing like his adolescent dreams. It was harsher than that, more raw and unmanageable and painful. It was like slowly to death, and then opening your eyes and realizing that you were still alive, only to feel that death again at each friendly expression or warm touch that meant nothing like what you wish it did.
"That's great!" Koyama said, and Shige admired his optimism.
"It doesn't seem so great."
"Shige is just experiencing the tough part of love," Koyama said, waggling his eyebrows. "It's complicated, but... There's good parts too, right?"
The way Ryo's hands moved his to the right string on the guitar. The way Shige felt when Ryo stood up for him against his childhood bullies. Ryo's warm arms around him as the rain fell, soaking them both. Shige had felt so warm, so loved. "Yeah, there are."
"Even unrequited love can be a little bit wonderful, Shige. Just remember that love is a gift! That you give to someone." Koyama finally collapsed down next to Shige. "When I give gifts on Christmas, I'm not doing it because I want something back. I'm doing it because I want to, because that person deserves to be given a gift."
"What if..." Shige recalled, suddenly, the look on Ryo's face the night he found out about Yamapi and Jin. "What if that person doesn't want my gift? What if my gift makes them uncomfortable or angry?"
"Shige is a wonderful person," Koyama told him, looking very serious all of a sudden. "Shige wouldn't give his love to someone who wasn't also wonderful."
Shige's heart felt tight. “Love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares."
"What?"
"Shakespeare," Shige said, and Koyama sighed.
"Sometimes the answer isn't in a book, Shige, or in someone else's romance."
"What do you mean?"
"Your situation isn't the same as some character in a Shakespeare novel, Shige. It's not going to play out like in a book."
"I know that already," Shige said sadly. "Because I think my happy ending might be impossible with... this person."
"Ryo is older than you, but he's still growing up too," Koyama said then, and Shige turned to look at him in shock. "Shige should be honest, but Shige might have to wait awhile for Ryo-chan to figure things out." Koyama grinned at him, and his eyes narrowed, giving his face a cat-like experience. He looked like Nyanta when Shige had snuck him a bit of mackerel sushi despite Koyama's ban on table food.
Shige was surprised into a laugh, and once he started laughing he couldn't stop. "You're amazing," Shige told him, feeling free for the very first time since he'd figured out his feelings. "How did you know?"
"It's my job to protect the member-ai," Koyama said solemnly. "No matter what kind of ai it happens to be."
Shige imagined the heat of Ryo's arm around his waist as they sang the final, climactic chorus of their duet, guitars hanging from their necks, and his heart couldn't decide whether to sink or fly.
"Don't make that face!!" Koyama said worriedly. "It makes me feel like I've failed in cheering you up!"
"Sorry," Shige managed, and Koyama pressed their arms together. The push of Koyama's thin arm against his was an anchor, and Shige finally felt like he might not drown in all the confusion after all.
"You're my precious baby~ I will love you forever~" Koyama sang at him, and Shige gathered him up in a big bear hug.
"Thank you," Shige said, his voice caught between laughing and sobbing.
"Well of course," Koyama said, and his voice sounded on the verge of weeping as well. "That's what friends are for."
***
The blank music sheets were spread across the floor in front of them. Ryo sat on the arm of the couch, while Shige sat cross-legged on the floor, a guitar in his lap.
Ryo's head was tilted back, exposing the pale, smooth column of his throat. His hair fell behind him, a little too long, a little too unruly. "What if we made the bridge go higher, like this?" Ryo asked, and then hummed a few notes, and Shige nodded, scribbling down the notes on one of the blank sheets.
"Like my heart is made of glass, you look through it and shatter it," Shige said, and it fit perfectly to Ryo's melody.
"Youre lyrics have gotten better." Ryo blinked twice. "It's like you know what you're saying. We're a good team," Ryo said, smirking. "I'm clearly the best, but you're a good sidekick."
"Whatever," Shige retorted, rolling his eyes. "You're useless without me. If I'm the sidekick, you must be, like, the Green Hornet, whose sidekick always has to bail him out of trouble."
"Firstly, you are a nerd," Ryo protested. "Secondly, I am excellent in combat situations." He struck a karate pose, and in doing so, unbalanced himself, falling back onto the couch with an 'oomph' and a swear.
"Yes, excellent, I can see that," Shige said, and cracked his neck.
"Don't do that," Ryo said with a wince, either at the mild pain in his back or at Shige's neck crack. "You look like a creepy flesh-eating alien when you move your head like that. You probably wouldn't if you got a haircut."
"I like my hair fine the way it is," Shige said and Ryo quirked his lips.
"That's because you're blind," Ryo informed him. "You look in the mirror and you can't even see yourself. When I look at you I want to wrap you in lights and sing ' Glory to the Newborn King'."
"Ha ha," Shige said. "You're so funny. I just don't know how I contain myself." Shige's voice was wry, and at Ryo's sharp laugh, Shige felt his stomach flop.
Ryo laughing was gorgeous, and free, his square straight teeth revealed by his wide-stretched mouth, and Shige wanted... Every moment Shige spent with Ryo pulled him deeper into love, and Shige despaired of ever escaping.
Still, like Koyama had said, love had good parts, too, and the way Shige felt right in that moment would make a great love song.
Ryo licked his lips, and smiled at Shige. "Sometimes, I think my greatest mistake was not getting to know you sooner," Ryo said, and his words lanced their way through Shige, all the way down to his bones, settling deep inside of him and making him feel like he was going to explode.
"Don't," Shige said, looking down at the guitar. The honey-colored wood was shining under his fingertips, and Shige could still hear their voices soaring together. "Don't say things like that."
"What?" Ryo said. He looked at Shige, bewildered. "What's the big deal?" Ryo tugs on the hem of his thin sweater, like he always did when he was going to say something emotional or out of character. "It's just, you're one of my best friends now, and I regret not seeing how much we had in common sooner. How, I dunno, interesting and amazing you are."
"I can't," Shige replied, and he didn't know what the end of the sentence should be. I can't lie to you anymore would be good, or I can't pretend that I don't love you. Maybe the real answer was I can't make myself fall out of love with you, even though I know it's hopeless to dream you'll ever love me back. But words failed Shige, and he was left staring speechless at his own hands gripped too tight around the neck of the guitar. The tuning screws dug into his hands, and he wondered if they were sharp enough to make him bleed.
"You can't what? I don't understand, Shige. Your brain waves aren't quite reaching the shore."
The frustration of the past month, the aching of his heart and the uncomfortable churning in his belly suddenly became too much to bear, too much to keep silent about. "I like you," Shige said, and it felt like a weight had lifted off his shoulders, and even though it still hurt, Shige felt like he'd done something important.
"Is that what you were trying to say? I thought I was the emotionally stunted one. I like you too. It's why we're friends, not just co-workers."
Shige couldn't make the words stop. "No, I like you. I like you like Yamapi likes Jin. Like you liked Satoko," Shige looked up, and Ryo was staring at him slack-jawed and wide-eyed. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you. Am in love with you."
Ryo's mouth was opening and closing like a fish pulled suddenly to land, like he was searching for air but not finding it anywhere in the room. "Shige," he finally gasped out, before his face closed up, locking down all his emotions behind a still expression.
Shige had always been impressed with Ryo's ability to switch emotions so quickly.
Still, to see Ryo's face so still, so unreadable, was painful, because it had been a long time since Ryo had shown that face to him.
"I'm sorry," Shige offered, and his hands were numb around the neck of the guitar. The fabric of the strap was scratching at his neck, too, he thought abstractly, and Ryo's sweater had slipped sideways on his shoulder, and Shige wondered if he was cold, because goosebumps had popped up on the exposed skin. "I tried not to."
"Not hard enough," Ryo snapped, and Shige recoiled. Shige had known it wasn't something he should have said, but it wasn't anything he could help, either, anything he could stop.
Shige loved Ryo as surely as the sun rose in the morning and set at night; and maybe as endlessly as that too, because as far as Shige knew, the sun was going to rise and set for the rest of his life. "I'm sorry," he said again, and he wasn't sorry for loving Ryo, he was just sorry that it was going to ruin everything.
"I need to think," Ryo said, pulling a cigarette out of the pack in his pocket with trembling hands. "I just need time to think." He lit the cigarette while it hung between his lips, and they both ignored the shaking of the little white stick. "Fuck, Shige."
Shige swallowed. "I know," Shige said. "I made a mistake."
"A mistake?" Ryo said, meeting Shige's eyes straight on.
"Yeah," Shige said. "I never should have let myself see how beautiful you are."
Ryo exhaled a ring of smoke. "I'm not beautiful," Ryo said simply. "I'm petty and rude and short and grumpy. I hold grudges and I'm selfish and on the verge of being an alcoholic. Any beauty you see in me is imagined."
Shige lifted the guitar strap over his head, and set the guitar in it's case. He zipped the case closed and put it over his shoulder. He was silent for a minute, and his body was flashing between hot and cold.
He turned to look at Ryo one last time, and tried to see the Ryo that Ryo himself saw, but that person was nowhere to be found. "You've got a sharp sense of humor, and a big heart that gets hurt easily, so you keep your distance from the people who have burned you before. You hate being embarrassed, but you blush all the time and so you're always pouting. You stand up for your friends, even when..." Shige pulled at the collar of his shirt, trying to make it easier to breathe. "Even when your friends can't stand up for themselves. And you're sometimes a little thick, but in the end you always come around, because the people you love are more important to you than anything."
Shige walked past Ryo toward the door. "You make me seem... kind of beautiful," Ryo said, his voice hoarse and choked and angry and sad all at once. Shige doesn't have to turn around to know that Ryo is looking at him, searching his profile for answers that Shige doesn't really have.
"Because to me, you are," Shige responded, and then he walked out of the door. He pretended, as he walked down the stairs in Ryo's apartment building, that he wasn't crying, but when he got into his car, his eyes were too blurred to see the road.
***
The awkward silence between Shige and Ryo at rehearsal was hard to bear, because Shige, now that he had had Ryo's friendship, craved the presence of Ryo by his side, making acerbic comments about the juniors and doing terrible impersonations of Yamapi whenever Yamapi wasn't looking.
Koyama seemed to sense that something was amiss, like he always did, and he stuck close to Shige, offering small smiles whenever Shige looked in his direction.
"Did you two finish that song?" Yamapi asked Shige, during lunch. "If you did, we could perform it at the next live."
"I don't know if we'll ever finish it," Shige said, and Yamapi looked up at him solemnly.
"Is that so?" Yamapi asked. A ramen noodle hung from his lower lip, and Shige didn't feel even the slightest urge to touch his mouth.
"It feels like the sort of song that might never find it's ending," Shige said. "Like we might be looking for the ending for a long time."
"You're not usually the type who can deal with things being left unfinished. You're kind of like Kamenashi in that."
"I've learned that not everything has an ending," Shige replied. "And not everything can be neatly tied off just because I want it to be."
"That's not a very lawyerly thing to say, Shige," Yamapi teases, but his eyes are still serious. "Who the heck are you these days?"
"I don't know," Shige answered honestly. "But there's something beautiful in the unfinished ends, even though it hurts."
"That's true," Yamapi said. "Good luck on your song."
When Shige got home, he wrote the rest of the lyrics and emailed them to Ryo.
A reply email came at about five in the morning, and the only thing in the message was a thumbs up.
Shige smiled.
***
"I still don't know," Ryo told him, when Shige walked into rehearsal his usual ten minutes early to see Ryo leaning back against the mirrors. "What to think, even, let alone what to tell you."
Shige studied the line of Ryo's hunched shoulders, and somehow felt calm, even though the churning fear and anxiousness in his gut had kept him from sleeping or eating well in days. It had been two weeks, and this was the first time they had really talked since Shige had left Ryo's apartment after confessing his love. "That's alright," Shige said. "It took Jane Austen sixteen years to write 'Pride and Prejudice', and that was worth the wait."
"Who the hell is Jane Austen?" Ryo said, to the ceiling. "I don't know when I'll be finished thinking about it."
"Are we still going to be friends?" Shige asked, and when Ryo didn't answer immediately he felt his stomach sink all the way to the floor. He wanted to throw up, or cry or something, but then Ryo started speaking again.
"I have no idea. I...really hope so," Ryo responded, and the confusion and softness in his voice made Shige hope too.
"Well, you know where to find me, when you figure it out," Shige said, and Ryo nodded as Tegoshi bounced in, his hair in some horrible glittery puff that brought a grin to Shige's face.
***
"You going to be okay?" Koyama asked, and Nyanta climbed slowly up Shige's back. Shige sneezed profusely, and Koyama laughed.
"Not if your cat doesn't get off me," Shige said. "It's like Nyanta knows I'm allergic and so he won't leave me alone!"
"Shige is just too likable, is all," Koyama said, calmly mixing whatever ingredients were in the mixing bowl when Shige arrived five minutes ago. "Maybe Nyanta is worried about you too."
"I'm fine," Shige said. "Or I will be."
"That's good," Koyama replied, before he dug his spoon into his concoction and lifted a heaping spoonful toward Shige's mouth. "Cookie dough?"
"Sure," Shige said, and the sweetness of the batter cut through the layer of bitter misery that lay on his tongue, flavoring everything with the sadness of unrequited love. "It's delicious."
"I'm an expert on fixing heartbreak, too," Koyama said wisely. "Part of my member- ai protection duties."
***
Shige didn't know what made him walk into the salon, but when he walked out, his hair cropped short, an inch and a half from his scalp, he felt naked, and strangely free.
***
It seemed a bit perfect that Ryo found him on the roof, the wind whipping through his much shorter hair, tossing it into disarray. Ryo's hair was also tousled, and his face looked red and chapped from the fierce wind. "I went to your apartment first," Ryo said, when he was close enough that Shige could hear him without him having to yell. "But it totally figures that you're up here brooding like the Hunchback of Notre Dame."
Shige offered Ryo a half-smile, before turning back to his view of the city. "I'm not brooding," Shige replied. "I'm thinking deep thoughts about the universe."
"You're thinking about cheesy lines for a song about unrequited love and fighting loneliness, and don't even pretend you aren't," Ryo said. "Don't bullshit me, I am the king of bullshit and there's no room on my throne for amateurs."
Shige laughed, and it sounded a little sharp but it also sounded real. Ryo grinned, walking closer and standing next to Shige. The heat from his body bled through the chill that Shige had felt surrounded by since he walked up onto the windy roof. "You're so mean to me," Shige said.
"It's my way of showing I care," Ryo replied, and Shige didn't need to look to know Ryo was staring at him, because he could feel his eyes trying to see through him. Shige just nodded, and the two of them stood quietly for a few minutes, taking in the skyline from the roof of Shige's apartment building. "You got a haircut," Ryo said, and Shige nodded again.
"Yeah," Shige said, and coughed. "About time, right?"
"I liked it before," Ryo said. "You were a hedgehog, but you were our hedgehog."
"And now?"
Ryo looked at Shige, and his face flushed, and he turned away again. "It looks good. Suits you."
They were quiet again, but it wasn't uncomfortable.
Shige felt like he was at the very top of a cliff, about to jump. He wasn't sure if he was going to fall or fly, but he knew he couldn't just stand on the edge anymore. He'd have to take the chance of falling, because waiting at the precipice for eternity was a terrifying prospect. His heart slammed against his ribs and his throat felt dry as sandpaper, and...
"The silence doesn't feel empty, with you," Ryo said suddenly, and Shige's head snapped around to look at him. Ryo's eyes are on the sunset. "I've always liked that about you, even before I got to know you like I do now." Ryo licked his lips, and Shige swallowed. It hurt. "I'm going to talk now, and you're not going to interrupt me to tell me there are no penguins in Alaska or that the human body is 95 percent water, or--"
"Sixty," Shige said, then bit his lip, and Ryo snorted.
"Shut up, dweeb. Didn't I say not to interrupt?" Ryo took a deep breath. "If you interrupt, I might not say everything I need to."
"Okay," Shige said. He shoved his hands in the pockets of his autumn jacket, more to keep himself from playing with his hair or glasses than to keep his hands warm.
"I can count the things I know about love on one hand." Ryo smiled as he said it, and held up his hand. "One," he said, wriggling his index finger, "is that love makes you think even weird things about people are cute or endearing." Shige wanted to laugh at Ryo's dubious expression. "Two, when you love someone, you want to be close to them all the time." Now Ryo had two fingers in the air, and he looked nervous and anxious.
The wind blew a piece of hair into Ryo's eyes, and Shige, without thinking, brushed it behind Ryo's ear. When he realized what he had done, Shige shoved his hand back in his jacket, mortified. "Sorry," he mumbled, and Ryo's brow furrowed.
"Three, their touch makes your heart beat faster, like a tiny bird in a cage that wants to fly away." Ryo looked embarrassed to be saying so much, but he looked determined, too. "And four, love can make you reconsider all the things you thought were true, and suddenly things that seemed like rules don't mean that much to you anymore."
Ryo was holding four fingers in the air, and Shige couldn't look away from Ryo's intent gaze. "Four is a lot," Shige said, and Ryo smiled, so softly and hesitantly Shige almost missed it.
"The fifth one was harder to figure out," Ryo said, "because even geniuses like myself can't be the best at everything."
"Like Japanese history?" Shige said, and Ryo scowled at him playfully.
"I am awesome at Japanese history," Ryo replied. "And what did I say about interrupting, pinecone head?"
Shige smiled sheepishly in apology. It's all going to be okay, Shige thought, because no matter what Ryo said now, Shige felt like their friendship would survive it.
"The fifth thing," Ryo said, wetting his lips again and rubbing anxiously at the hair on the back of his head, making it stick up in a million directions. Shige wanted to laugh, but the sound couldn't make it out past his heart which was all the way up in his throat. "The fifth thing is that those four other things? Those are all things I feel when I think about you."
Time freezes for Shige, like the moment was the perfect photograph. He saw Ryo in his lens, red and anxious and looking at him, directly at him, and saying something he never thought he'd hear.
"I love your stupid fucked up hair, and the way you annoyingly know something about everything," Ryo blurted out, when Shige didn't answer. "And I want to be close to you all the time, because you understand me in a different way than everyone else does. Around you I feel...unfettered, like I can't help but be honest about myself, because you won't let me be anything else."
"Ryo," Shige breathed, and Ryo looked down, examining a crack in the cement beneath their feet.
"And I... Never thought it was okay, to be in love with a man. But I'm starting to realize, maybe, that love doesn't follow any rules."
And maybe, just maybe, Love was like an earthquake-- unpredictable, terrifying even. But when the hard part was over, you realized just how lucky you truly were.
"Sorry for taking so long, I guess," Ryo said. "But it took what's-her-face--"
"Jane Austen," Shige choked.
"Whatever. Jane Austen. It took her sixteen years to write that chick novel," Ryo said. "And for your information, it took J.K. Rowling seven years to write the first Harry Potter book. And I am worth at least as much a wait as the first Harry Potter book, maybe even the whole series..."
Shige wondered, a little, if he was still breathing, but before he could even contemplate his own actions his hands had fisted in Ryo's jacket. "I didn't know you knew how to read," Shige said, and pulled him up to his mouth.
When their mouths met, it was more like falling than like flying. Shige felt like the ground had disappeared from beneath him, like he had dived into Ryo's soul, and he wanted to just keep falling into this kiss forever.
Ryo's mouth was slick and hot, everything the air wasn't, as the wind blew fiercely against them, stinging Shige's cheeks as he lost himself to Ryo's soft lips. Ryo tasted sweeter than he looked, Shige thought, and for all his posturing he melted easily into Shige's arms, opening beneath Shige's demanding mouth.
Shige relished the feeling of Ryo's pretty straight teeth under his tongue, and the bitter taste of tobacco that lingered with every lick at Ryo's willing mouth.
Ryo wasn't content to just be kissed, though, and he quickly tangled his hands in Shige's newly shorn hair and dragged his face down, allowing Ryo greater access to Shige's mouth and tongue, and Ryo explored thoroughly, canvasing every millimeter of Shige's cheeks. Shige couldn't stop the moans that escaped his throat, and Ryo's soft sighs made him melt even further into Ryo's arms, which had slid down to his waist to pull him closer.
Kissing Ryo, Ryo kissing him, was, in some ways, like waking up from a dream. Ryo's lips were chapped and dry, and Shige pressed against them just a little too hard, and their teeth clacked together. And it was getting colder as the sun disappeared into the horizon, and Shige could feel Ryo shivering in the wind. But Ryo's soft moans as his tongue hesitantly wrapped around Shige's, and the way Ryo's nails dug painfully into Shige's forearms-- well, those were the things that were inexplicably perfect, exactly like falling into a dream, because it was Ryo, his Ryo, who was wonderfully, amazingly, unbelievably kissing him back.
“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” Shige said against Ryo's lips, and Ryo grumbled back.
"What the hell is that from?" Ryo said. "Some famous European poet no one but you has ever heard of?"
"Judy Garland," Shige said, and kissed Ryo even harder.
When night fell, and Ryo's lips shone swollen in the dark, that's when Shige finally accepted that this was real; that he wasn't going to wake up in the morning longing for a moment that might never happen, or a touch he might never receive.
There's a sense of triumph in the way his hand finds Ryo's, in the way their fingers fumble around each other in the dark, interlocking as the wind whips around them. He couldn't see the details of Ryo's face, but that was okay, because he memorized them long ago, and he can feel Ryo's accelerated heartbeat through the pulse of his wrist, and the sweat of Ryo's palm as it presses against his own.
"Shige," Ryo whispered, and Shige leaned forward, burying his face in the crook of Ryo's neck, inhaling the scent of jasmine and cigarette smoke. Ryo's breath hitched at the touch of Shige's lips on his neck, gentle butterfly kisses across the goose-pebbled skin. Shige never wanted to stop touching Ryo, just because he could.
"Yes?" Shige whispered back, blowing warm air into Ryo's ear as he released the word from trembling lips. Ryo shivered.
"It's cold," Ryo replied, and Shige squeezed his hand.
"Then let's go inside," he said, and Ryo shivered again, this time not from the cold at all.
***
The door barely closed before Ryo slammed Shige into the wall, his smaller frame pressing against Shige's. Shige winced as his shoulder-blades pressed into the picture frames behind him, but then he couldn't focus on anything beyond the water rushing in his ears as Ryo claimed his mouth completely.
"Too tall," Ryo hissed, and Shige laughed into Ryo's mouth, his tongue tangling with Ryo's as he clutched at the back of Ryo's jacket, keeping him close. Ryo's hands seemed to be everywhere at once, against Shige's hips and on his back and circling his neck.
"Lay down," Shige gasped, and Ryo stepped backward. Shige followed his mouth until Ryo pulled completely away, grabbing Shige's hand and guiding him to the sofa. He sat down and Shige followed, straddling him, his thighs on either side of Ryo's hips. Ryo's hands tugged at Shige's jacket, and Shige leaned forward to kiss Ryo again while he shrugged off the jacket. Ryo's hands slid inside his shirt and glided across his ribs, his touch making Shige pant into the slick heat of Ryo's mouth, and Shige's hands found their way into Ryo's hair, wanting to feel closer, somehow.
Ryo separated from Shige long enough to pull off Shige's shirt, and Shige whined and pulled on Ryo's jacket, so Ryo shed that and his t- shirt as well.
When they kissed again, Ryo's hands came up to explore the bare skin of Shige's chest, as Shige's own arms wrapped around Ryo's back, his nails dragging across the smooth skin. Ryo growled against Shige's lips, before kissing his way down Shige's neck, nipping at the skin and sucking hard enough to bruise.
"You'll leave marks," Shige groaned, but he couldn't bring himself to give a damn, because Ryo's fingers brushed across his sensitive nipples and Shige wondered if he was going to be consumed by the heat in the room.
"You can't possibly be surprised that I'm a biter," Ryo said, when he released the skin of Shige's clavicle from between his lips.
"I guess not," Shige started to respond, but then Ryo's hands were fumbling with the fastening to his jeans, and Shige lost the ability to say anything at all.
Ryo's hand wrapped around his cock, and all Shige could do was close his eyes at the pleasure, his hips wanting to thrust up into Ryo's grip. "You look... Really sexy," Ryo panted, and Shige finally undid Ryo's pants. At the first brush of Shige's hand on his cock between them, Ryo bit down hard on Shige's shoulder, making Ryo goran at the contrast between pleasure and pain.
They maintained a steady pace, hands moving in tandem as their mouths met again. "Not like this," Ryo said, when Shige moaned and thrusted his hips toward Ryo's. "Do you have...?"
"Bedroom," Shige said. I have something that I use for..."
"That'll work," Ryo replied, and Shige stood, stepping out of his jeans and underwear, and blushed under Ryo's devouring eyes. Ryo stood too, and followed Shige into the bedroom.
When they stepped through the door, Ryo shoved Shige onto the bed before losing his pants and climbing on top of him, his hard cock pressing against Shige's navel. Shige reached toward his beside dresser, finding lubrication and a condom with his hand, and placing them next to him as Ryo slowly slid down his body, mouthing wet kisses against his flushed and too sensitive skin.
"Ryo," Shige whispered, and Ryo paused at Shige's hip, placing a solitary kiss where the bone pushed at the skin, and Shige felt the affection in the gesture. He picked up the packet of lube, still unopened, and squished a little onto his fingers.
"I don't know, exactly, what I'm doing," Ryo said, and his voice quivered a bit, with some combination of desire and nervousness, and Shige smiled despite the anxiousness crawling in his own gut.
"We'll figure it out together," Shige said, and then he guided Ryo's hand down between his legs. He felt the press against the tight ring of muscle, and heard Ryo's slight hitch in breathing, and then one of Ryo's was inside of him, and it hurt, but not enough for Shige to want it to stop.
Ryo watched him carefully, gauging his reactions, and Shige nodded at him, and then Ryo added another finger. "So tight, Shige," Ryo said, his voice low and dark, and Shige wanted to hear more of that tone, wanted to hear Ryo say his name like that over and over again in that sexy voice.
Later, when Ryo slides inside of him with a long, deep moan, and they moved together, Ryo's hot breath on his neck and Ryo's sweat-slick skin sticking to his own, Shige felt like he was still falling, and maybe it was deeper into love. When he came, it was like the world disappeared, and there is only Ryo inside of him and on top of him and everywhere around him, and Shige wouldn't have it any other way.
"I love you," Shige said, when he could speak again, and Ryo, who was collapsed next to him, curled a little closer.
"I suppose I'm moderately fond of you, too," Ryo said sleepily, but Shige knew Ryo, and he felt like he'd just been promised forever.
***
Shige rolled over, and Ryo yelped as a piece of his hair got caught under Shige's arm. "Watch the hair, dork."
"A dork is a whale penis," Shige told Ryo, and Shige relished Ryo's choked snort. "So thanks for the compliment." Shige ran his hand through Ryo's hair, and smiled. "Get a haircut."
Ryo froze, and tilted his head slowly to look at Shige through narrowed eyes. "Oh no you did NOT."
Shige grinned cheekily, and now, now he was flying, soaring so high above the clouds he couldn't even see the earth below him. Ryo was still glaring at him, but Shige didn't care, because he could just lean over and capture Ryo's sulky mouth in a wet kiss, and Ryo wouldn't stop him. Ryo would kiss him back. Shige could just keep kissing him and kissing him until morning dragged them both out of bed.
And that's exactly what Shige did.
***
Ryo was holding the camera curiously in his hands. "You have to take the lens cap off, silly," Shige said, taking the camera from him and removing the protective circle, and adjusting the shutter speed. He held the camera up to his eye, and snapped a few pictures of Ryo staring at him. "Like this."
"Give me that," Ryo said, carefully snatching it from Shige's grasp. He dropped the strap around his neck, and held the camera up backwards, so that the lens was facing him.
"It goes the other way, Ryo-chan," Shige said with a chuckle. "The other way, like I showed you last time!"
Ryo rolled his eyes. "Oh my god, you are so stupid for a nerd," Ryo replied. "Obviously, I know which way to turn a camera to take a picture."
He reached out and grabbed Shige's wrist, and the touch, even after a month of being together, still made Shige feel like he was impossibly high up in the air, looking down on a perfect world. Ryo yanked Shige to his side, and Shige felt their cheeks press against each other as Ryo turned the camera so it was toward both of their faces. "Be a part of this moment," Ryo whispered, and then he clicked the button.
"Your pictures," Shige said, and he handed the bundle of yesterday's photos to Ryo. Their hands brushed, and Shige snatched his hand away quickly.
"Are you okay?" Ryo queried. "You look exhausted. Did you not sleep last night? I knew you looked sick." Ryo looked down at the photos in his hands. "Are these contaminated by your cooties?"
Shige laughed, and his sleep deprivation headache twinged. "I'm not sick," he said, and then closed his eyes as Ryo opened the pictures.
"Where are yours?"
"Hmm?" Shige asked, opening his heavy lids again to look at Ryo, before remembering it was a bad idea, because Ryo was going to be just as gorgeous and unattainable as he was yesterday, and would be tomorrow. "My pictures?"
"Yes," Ryo said. "I never trust a teacher for whom I've only seen limited work. The only photos of yours I've seen are the New York photos of Koyama, and the ones on your blog."
"Ahh," Shige replied. "Well--"
"Are you busy today?"
"What?"
"After work," Ryo said impatiently. "I don't have any Kanjani stuff to do today, so I'm free. Why don't I come home with you and you can show me your pictures."
There was no reason to say no, so Shige nodded. "Okay," he said.
When they arrived at Shige's place after rehearsal, Ryo immediately collapsed on the couch, and Shige brought them both a glass of water from his kitchen. "You look so tired," Ryo said. "I'm a little nervous that you're actually a zombie that's going to eat my flesh, but I feel like if you were a zombie, you wouldn't have bothered with your contacts this morning."
"I'll get some sleep tonight," Shige said, and licked his lips. I hope.
"You'd better. Your hair is enough of an eyesore that people will be overwhelmed with the tragedy of your appearance if you start looking like one of those people who stay in their rooms their whole lives watching low budget anime films."
"Those people have a disease, Ryo, and you shouldn't--"
"I know, I know," Ryo said, waving his hand and dismissing Shige's protests. Shige sat down on the opposite end of the couch from Ryo and Ryo automatically shifted closer, and Shige could feel the heat of him even through his sweatshirt.
Shige wanted to move away from Ryo, to sit as far away as he possibly could from the source of his confusion, but Ryo kept stubbornly sliding closer. "You promised you'd show me your pictures," Ryo said, and Shige jumped up to go get his album from the bedside table.
"Yes, my pictures. I'll be right back." Shige escaped to his room, closing the door behind him and leaning back against it, his heart attempting, it seemed, to beat itself right out of his chest. The album sat right where it always sat, and Shige picked it up with trembling hands.
"Here," he said, and Ryo smiled up at him, and Shige wondered if he was going to fall apart into a million pieces from his own nervous shaking.
Shige wished, more than anything, that he could go back to before, where he didn't know why his stomach clenched when Ryo smiled, and he didn't know why his heart beat faster when Ryo sat too close, or why all he could see were Ryo's dark, piercing eyes when he closed his own.
Ryo's eyes eagerly devoured page after page of Shige's album, a smile tugging at his lips at some of the photographs, and others made him tilt his head to the side to examine it from another angle. "Shige these are amazing," Ryo said, and Shige's heart leapt into his throat at the expression in Ryo's eyes. "Like, really amazing."
"Not really," Shige said in response, looking anywhere but at Ryo. He tried to fight all the feelings that kept bubbling up in his chest, but it seemed like now that he knew what they were, they wouldn't be denied, clamoring for every scrap of his attention and every last bit of his sanity.
It didn't help that it was all so hopeless, that no matter what Shige did, or how close he and Ryo became, he would never be what Ryo was looking for, because he would never be a woman.
"Shige," Ryo said, and Shige looked down at the album. The pictures under Ryo's fingers were from months ago. Shige remembered taking them-- remembered the way the shadows had played with the angles of Ryo's face, the way he had noticed the grace of Ryo's small but lithe form for the first time. "Shige, these photos..."
Shige could feel the weight of Ryo's gaze heavy on his neck, and he looked up to Ryo's awed expression. "Yeah?" Shige asked, wondering if Ryo could see all his confusion and fear and desire all wrapped up in his eyes.
"You made me look..." Ryo laughed awkwardly, like he didn't know how to phrase it. "You made me look kind of beautiful."
You are kinda beautiful, Shige wanted to say. The photographer captures what he sees, and Shige had always considered himself a true photographer. This is my honesty.
Ryo frowned at him. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Shige replied, but it clawed at his throat. Everything.
***
Koyama towered over his spread out body, blocking the sun as he looked down at Shige. The concrete of the roof felt hot on Shige's back, and he probably wasn't improving his already abysmal vision by looking directly into the sun. But somehow, up here, everything hurt a little less than it did under the stage lights or the soft lamps of his apartment. It was like the sun burned away all his feelings and he was left empty and hollow until he went back to rehearsal and Ryo's candid grin filled him up again.
"You look lost," Koyama said, sitting down next to him.
"I am," Shige responded, turning his head slightly to the side so he could look up at Koyama's profile.
"Why so lost?" Koyama asked, his warm brown eyes filled with concern.
"I don't know," Shige said, turning back to the sun. "I guess I'm in love." Saying it out loud made it slam into him so hard he thought he might drown in it. Love. It was nothing like he'd imagined it would be, nothing like the characters in dramas or the heroes in famous novels, nothing like a fairy tale, and nothing like his adolescent dreams. It was harsher than that, more raw and unmanageable and painful. It was like slowly to death, and then opening your eyes and realizing that you were still alive, only to feel that death again at each friendly expression or warm touch that meant nothing like what you wish it did.
"That's great!" Koyama said, and Shige admired his optimism.
"It doesn't seem so great."
"Shige is just experiencing the tough part of love," Koyama said, waggling his eyebrows. "It's complicated, but... There's good parts too, right?"
The way Ryo's hands moved his to the right string on the guitar. The way Shige felt when Ryo stood up for him against his childhood bullies. Ryo's warm arms around him as the rain fell, soaking them both. Shige had felt so warm, so loved. "Yeah, there are."
"Even unrequited love can be a little bit wonderful, Shige. Just remember that love is a gift! That you give to someone." Koyama finally collapsed down next to Shige. "When I give gifts on Christmas, I'm not doing it because I want something back. I'm doing it because I want to, because that person deserves to be given a gift."
"What if..." Shige recalled, suddenly, the look on Ryo's face the night he found out about Yamapi and Jin. "What if that person doesn't want my gift? What if my gift makes them uncomfortable or angry?"
"Shige is a wonderful person," Koyama told him, looking very serious all of a sudden. "Shige wouldn't give his love to someone who wasn't also wonderful."
Shige's heart felt tight. “Love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares."
"What?"
"Shakespeare," Shige said, and Koyama sighed.
"Sometimes the answer isn't in a book, Shige, or in someone else's romance."
"What do you mean?"
"Your situation isn't the same as some character in a Shakespeare novel, Shige. It's not going to play out like in a book."
"I know that already," Shige said sadly. "Because I think my happy ending might be impossible with... this person."
"Ryo is older than you, but he's still growing up too," Koyama said then, and Shige turned to look at him in shock. "Shige should be honest, but Shige might have to wait awhile for Ryo-chan to figure things out." Koyama grinned at him, and his eyes narrowed, giving his face a cat-like experience. He looked like Nyanta when Shige had snuck him a bit of mackerel sushi despite Koyama's ban on table food.
Shige was surprised into a laugh, and once he started laughing he couldn't stop. "You're amazing," Shige told him, feeling free for the very first time since he'd figured out his feelings. "How did you know?"
"It's my job to protect the member-ai," Koyama said solemnly. "No matter what kind of ai it happens to be."
Shige imagined the heat of Ryo's arm around his waist as they sang the final, climactic chorus of their duet, guitars hanging from their necks, and his heart couldn't decide whether to sink or fly.
"Don't make that face!!" Koyama said worriedly. "It makes me feel like I've failed in cheering you up!"
"Sorry," Shige managed, and Koyama pressed their arms together. The push of Koyama's thin arm against his was an anchor, and Shige finally felt like he might not drown in all the confusion after all.
"You're my precious baby~ I will love you forever~" Koyama sang at him, and Shige gathered him up in a big bear hug.
"Thank you," Shige said, his voice caught between laughing and sobbing.
"Well of course," Koyama said, and his voice sounded on the verge of weeping as well. "That's what friends are for."
***
The blank music sheets were spread across the floor in front of them. Ryo sat on the arm of the couch, while Shige sat cross-legged on the floor, a guitar in his lap.
Ryo's head was tilted back, exposing the pale, smooth column of his throat. His hair fell behind him, a little too long, a little too unruly. "What if we made the bridge go higher, like this?" Ryo asked, and then hummed a few notes, and Shige nodded, scribbling down the notes on one of the blank sheets.
"Like my heart is made of glass, you look through it and shatter it," Shige said, and it fit perfectly to Ryo's melody.
"Youre lyrics have gotten better." Ryo blinked twice. "It's like you know what you're saying. We're a good team," Ryo said, smirking. "I'm clearly the best, but you're a good sidekick."
"Whatever," Shige retorted, rolling his eyes. "You're useless without me. If I'm the sidekick, you must be, like, the Green Hornet, whose sidekick always has to bail him out of trouble."
"Firstly, you are a nerd," Ryo protested. "Secondly, I am excellent in combat situations." He struck a karate pose, and in doing so, unbalanced himself, falling back onto the couch with an 'oomph' and a swear.
"Yes, excellent, I can see that," Shige said, and cracked his neck.
"Don't do that," Ryo said with a wince, either at the mild pain in his back or at Shige's neck crack. "You look like a creepy flesh-eating alien when you move your head like that. You probably wouldn't if you got a haircut."
"I like my hair fine the way it is," Shige said and Ryo quirked his lips.
"That's because you're blind," Ryo informed him. "You look in the mirror and you can't even see yourself. When I look at you I want to wrap you in lights and sing ' Glory to the Newborn King'."
"Ha ha," Shige said. "You're so funny. I just don't know how I contain myself." Shige's voice was wry, and at Ryo's sharp laugh, Shige felt his stomach flop.
Ryo laughing was gorgeous, and free, his square straight teeth revealed by his wide-stretched mouth, and Shige wanted... Every moment Shige spent with Ryo pulled him deeper into love, and Shige despaired of ever escaping.
Still, like Koyama had said, love had good parts, too, and the way Shige felt right in that moment would make a great love song.
Ryo licked his lips, and smiled at Shige. "Sometimes, I think my greatest mistake was not getting to know you sooner," Ryo said, and his words lanced their way through Shige, all the way down to his bones, settling deep inside of him and making him feel like he was going to explode.
"Don't," Shige said, looking down at the guitar. The honey-colored wood was shining under his fingertips, and Shige could still hear their voices soaring together. "Don't say things like that."
"What?" Ryo said. He looked at Shige, bewildered. "What's the big deal?" Ryo tugs on the hem of his thin sweater, like he always did when he was going to say something emotional or out of character. "It's just, you're one of my best friends now, and I regret not seeing how much we had in common sooner. How, I dunno, interesting and amazing you are."
"I can't," Shige replied, and he didn't know what the end of the sentence should be. I can't lie to you anymore would be good, or I can't pretend that I don't love you. Maybe the real answer was I can't make myself fall out of love with you, even though I know it's hopeless to dream you'll ever love me back. But words failed Shige, and he was left staring speechless at his own hands gripped too tight around the neck of the guitar. The tuning screws dug into his hands, and he wondered if they were sharp enough to make him bleed.
"You can't what? I don't understand, Shige. Your brain waves aren't quite reaching the shore."
The frustration of the past month, the aching of his heart and the uncomfortable churning in his belly suddenly became too much to bear, too much to keep silent about. "I like you," Shige said, and it felt like a weight had lifted off his shoulders, and even though it still hurt, Shige felt like he'd done something important.
"Is that what you were trying to say? I thought I was the emotionally stunted one. I like you too. It's why we're friends, not just co-workers."
Shige couldn't make the words stop. "No, I like you. I like you like Yamapi likes Jin. Like you liked Satoko," Shige looked up, and Ryo was staring at him slack-jawed and wide-eyed. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you. Am in love with you."
Ryo's mouth was opening and closing like a fish pulled suddenly to land, like he was searching for air but not finding it anywhere in the room. "Shige," he finally gasped out, before his face closed up, locking down all his emotions behind a still expression.
Shige had always been impressed with Ryo's ability to switch emotions so quickly.
Still, to see Ryo's face so still, so unreadable, was painful, because it had been a long time since Ryo had shown that face to him.
"I'm sorry," Shige offered, and his hands were numb around the neck of the guitar. The fabric of the strap was scratching at his neck, too, he thought abstractly, and Ryo's sweater had slipped sideways on his shoulder, and Shige wondered if he was cold, because goosebumps had popped up on the exposed skin. "I tried not to."
"Not hard enough," Ryo snapped, and Shige recoiled. Shige had known it wasn't something he should have said, but it wasn't anything he could help, either, anything he could stop.
Shige loved Ryo as surely as the sun rose in the morning and set at night; and maybe as endlessly as that too, because as far as Shige knew, the sun was going to rise and set for the rest of his life. "I'm sorry," he said again, and he wasn't sorry for loving Ryo, he was just sorry that it was going to ruin everything.
"I need to think," Ryo said, pulling a cigarette out of the pack in his pocket with trembling hands. "I just need time to think." He lit the cigarette while it hung between his lips, and they both ignored the shaking of the little white stick. "Fuck, Shige."
Shige swallowed. "I know," Shige said. "I made a mistake."
"A mistake?" Ryo said, meeting Shige's eyes straight on.
"Yeah," Shige said. "I never should have let myself see how beautiful you are."
Ryo exhaled a ring of smoke. "I'm not beautiful," Ryo said simply. "I'm petty and rude and short and grumpy. I hold grudges and I'm selfish and on the verge of being an alcoholic. Any beauty you see in me is imagined."
Shige lifted the guitar strap over his head, and set the guitar in it's case. He zipped the case closed and put it over his shoulder. He was silent for a minute, and his body was flashing between hot and cold.
He turned to look at Ryo one last time, and tried to see the Ryo that Ryo himself saw, but that person was nowhere to be found. "You've got a sharp sense of humor, and a big heart that gets hurt easily, so you keep your distance from the people who have burned you before. You hate being embarrassed, but you blush all the time and so you're always pouting. You stand up for your friends, even when..." Shige pulled at the collar of his shirt, trying to make it easier to breathe. "Even when your friends can't stand up for themselves. And you're sometimes a little thick, but in the end you always come around, because the people you love are more important to you than anything."
Shige walked past Ryo toward the door. "You make me seem... kind of beautiful," Ryo said, his voice hoarse and choked and angry and sad all at once. Shige doesn't have to turn around to know that Ryo is looking at him, searching his profile for answers that Shige doesn't really have.
"Because to me, you are," Shige responded, and then he walked out of the door. He pretended, as he walked down the stairs in Ryo's apartment building, that he wasn't crying, but when he got into his car, his eyes were too blurred to see the road.
***
The awkward silence between Shige and Ryo at rehearsal was hard to bear, because Shige, now that he had had Ryo's friendship, craved the presence of Ryo by his side, making acerbic comments about the juniors and doing terrible impersonations of Yamapi whenever Yamapi wasn't looking.
Koyama seemed to sense that something was amiss, like he always did, and he stuck close to Shige, offering small smiles whenever Shige looked in his direction.
"Did you two finish that song?" Yamapi asked Shige, during lunch. "If you did, we could perform it at the next live."
"I don't know if we'll ever finish it," Shige said, and Yamapi looked up at him solemnly.
"Is that so?" Yamapi asked. A ramen noodle hung from his lower lip, and Shige didn't feel even the slightest urge to touch his mouth.
"It feels like the sort of song that might never find it's ending," Shige said. "Like we might be looking for the ending for a long time."
"You're not usually the type who can deal with things being left unfinished. You're kind of like Kamenashi in that."
"I've learned that not everything has an ending," Shige replied. "And not everything can be neatly tied off just because I want it to be."
"That's not a very lawyerly thing to say, Shige," Yamapi teases, but his eyes are still serious. "Who the heck are you these days?"
"I don't know," Shige answered honestly. "But there's something beautiful in the unfinished ends, even though it hurts."
"That's true," Yamapi said. "Good luck on your song."
When Shige got home, he wrote the rest of the lyrics and emailed them to Ryo.
A reply email came at about five in the morning, and the only thing in the message was a thumbs up.
Shige smiled.
***
"I still don't know," Ryo told him, when Shige walked into rehearsal his usual ten minutes early to see Ryo leaning back against the mirrors. "What to think, even, let alone what to tell you."
Shige studied the line of Ryo's hunched shoulders, and somehow felt calm, even though the churning fear and anxiousness in his gut had kept him from sleeping or eating well in days. It had been two weeks, and this was the first time they had really talked since Shige had left Ryo's apartment after confessing his love. "That's alright," Shige said. "It took Jane Austen sixteen years to write 'Pride and Prejudice', and that was worth the wait."
"Who the hell is Jane Austen?" Ryo said, to the ceiling. "I don't know when I'll be finished thinking about it."
"Are we still going to be friends?" Shige asked, and when Ryo didn't answer immediately he felt his stomach sink all the way to the floor. He wanted to throw up, or cry or something, but then Ryo started speaking again.
"I have no idea. I...really hope so," Ryo responded, and the confusion and softness in his voice made Shige hope too.
"Well, you know where to find me, when you figure it out," Shige said, and Ryo nodded as Tegoshi bounced in, his hair in some horrible glittery puff that brought a grin to Shige's face.
***
"You going to be okay?" Koyama asked, and Nyanta climbed slowly up Shige's back. Shige sneezed profusely, and Koyama laughed.
"Not if your cat doesn't get off me," Shige said. "It's like Nyanta knows I'm allergic and so he won't leave me alone!"
"Shige is just too likable, is all," Koyama said, calmly mixing whatever ingredients were in the mixing bowl when Shige arrived five minutes ago. "Maybe Nyanta is worried about you too."
"I'm fine," Shige said. "Or I will be."
"That's good," Koyama replied, before he dug his spoon into his concoction and lifted a heaping spoonful toward Shige's mouth. "Cookie dough?"
"Sure," Shige said, and the sweetness of the batter cut through the layer of bitter misery that lay on his tongue, flavoring everything with the sadness of unrequited love. "It's delicious."
"I'm an expert on fixing heartbreak, too," Koyama said wisely. "Part of my member- ai protection duties."
***
Shige didn't know what made him walk into the salon, but when he walked out, his hair cropped short, an inch and a half from his scalp, he felt naked, and strangely free.
***
It seemed a bit perfect that Ryo found him on the roof, the wind whipping through his much shorter hair, tossing it into disarray. Ryo's hair was also tousled, and his face looked red and chapped from the fierce wind. "I went to your apartment first," Ryo said, when he was close enough that Shige could hear him without him having to yell. "But it totally figures that you're up here brooding like the Hunchback of Notre Dame."
Shige offered Ryo a half-smile, before turning back to his view of the city. "I'm not brooding," Shige replied. "I'm thinking deep thoughts about the universe."
"You're thinking about cheesy lines for a song about unrequited love and fighting loneliness, and don't even pretend you aren't," Ryo said. "Don't bullshit me, I am the king of bullshit and there's no room on my throne for amateurs."
Shige laughed, and it sounded a little sharp but it also sounded real. Ryo grinned, walking closer and standing next to Shige. The heat from his body bled through the chill that Shige had felt surrounded by since he walked up onto the windy roof. "You're so mean to me," Shige said.
"It's my way of showing I care," Ryo replied, and Shige didn't need to look to know Ryo was staring at him, because he could feel his eyes trying to see through him. Shige just nodded, and the two of them stood quietly for a few minutes, taking in the skyline from the roof of Shige's apartment building. "You got a haircut," Ryo said, and Shige nodded again.
"Yeah," Shige said, and coughed. "About time, right?"
"I liked it before," Ryo said. "You were a hedgehog, but you were our hedgehog."
"And now?"
Ryo looked at Shige, and his face flushed, and he turned away again. "It looks good. Suits you."
They were quiet again, but it wasn't uncomfortable.
Shige felt like he was at the very top of a cliff, about to jump. He wasn't sure if he was going to fall or fly, but he knew he couldn't just stand on the edge anymore. He'd have to take the chance of falling, because waiting at the precipice for eternity was a terrifying prospect. His heart slammed against his ribs and his throat felt dry as sandpaper, and...
"The silence doesn't feel empty, with you," Ryo said suddenly, and Shige's head snapped around to look at him. Ryo's eyes are on the sunset. "I've always liked that about you, even before I got to know you like I do now." Ryo licked his lips, and Shige swallowed. It hurt. "I'm going to talk now, and you're not going to interrupt me to tell me there are no penguins in Alaska or that the human body is 95 percent water, or--"
"Sixty," Shige said, then bit his lip, and Ryo snorted.
"Shut up, dweeb. Didn't I say not to interrupt?" Ryo took a deep breath. "If you interrupt, I might not say everything I need to."
"Okay," Shige said. He shoved his hands in the pockets of his autumn jacket, more to keep himself from playing with his hair or glasses than to keep his hands warm.
"I can count the things I know about love on one hand." Ryo smiled as he said it, and held up his hand. "One," he said, wriggling his index finger, "is that love makes you think even weird things about people are cute or endearing." Shige wanted to laugh at Ryo's dubious expression. "Two, when you love someone, you want to be close to them all the time." Now Ryo had two fingers in the air, and he looked nervous and anxious.
The wind blew a piece of hair into Ryo's eyes, and Shige, without thinking, brushed it behind Ryo's ear. When he realized what he had done, Shige shoved his hand back in his jacket, mortified. "Sorry," he mumbled, and Ryo's brow furrowed.
"Three, their touch makes your heart beat faster, like a tiny bird in a cage that wants to fly away." Ryo looked embarrassed to be saying so much, but he looked determined, too. "And four, love can make you reconsider all the things you thought were true, and suddenly things that seemed like rules don't mean that much to you anymore."
Ryo was holding four fingers in the air, and Shige couldn't look away from Ryo's intent gaze. "Four is a lot," Shige said, and Ryo smiled, so softly and hesitantly Shige almost missed it.
"The fifth one was harder to figure out," Ryo said, "because even geniuses like myself can't be the best at everything."
"Like Japanese history?" Shige said, and Ryo scowled at him playfully.
"I am awesome at Japanese history," Ryo replied. "And what did I say about interrupting, pinecone head?"
Shige smiled sheepishly in apology. It's all going to be okay, Shige thought, because no matter what Ryo said now, Shige felt like their friendship would survive it.
"The fifth thing," Ryo said, wetting his lips again and rubbing anxiously at the hair on the back of his head, making it stick up in a million directions. Shige wanted to laugh, but the sound couldn't make it out past his heart which was all the way up in his throat. "The fifth thing is that those four other things? Those are all things I feel when I think about you."
Time freezes for Shige, like the moment was the perfect photograph. He saw Ryo in his lens, red and anxious and looking at him, directly at him, and saying something he never thought he'd hear.
"I love your stupid fucked up hair, and the way you annoyingly know something about everything," Ryo blurted out, when Shige didn't answer. "And I want to be close to you all the time, because you understand me in a different way than everyone else does. Around you I feel...unfettered, like I can't help but be honest about myself, because you won't let me be anything else."
"Ryo," Shige breathed, and Ryo looked down, examining a crack in the cement beneath their feet.
"And I... Never thought it was okay, to be in love with a man. But I'm starting to realize, maybe, that love doesn't follow any rules."
And maybe, just maybe, Love was like an earthquake-- unpredictable, terrifying even. But when the hard part was over, you realized just how lucky you truly were.
"Sorry for taking so long, I guess," Ryo said. "But it took what's-her-face--"
"Jane Austen," Shige choked.
"Whatever. Jane Austen. It took her sixteen years to write that chick novel," Ryo said. "And for your information, it took J.K. Rowling seven years to write the first Harry Potter book. And I am worth at least as much a wait as the first Harry Potter book, maybe even the whole series..."
Shige wondered, a little, if he was still breathing, but before he could even contemplate his own actions his hands had fisted in Ryo's jacket. "I didn't know you knew how to read," Shige said, and pulled him up to his mouth.
When their mouths met, it was more like falling than like flying. Shige felt like the ground had disappeared from beneath him, like he had dived into Ryo's soul, and he wanted to just keep falling into this kiss forever.
Ryo's mouth was slick and hot, everything the air wasn't, as the wind blew fiercely against them, stinging Shige's cheeks as he lost himself to Ryo's soft lips. Ryo tasted sweeter than he looked, Shige thought, and for all his posturing he melted easily into Shige's arms, opening beneath Shige's demanding mouth.
Shige relished the feeling of Ryo's pretty straight teeth under his tongue, and the bitter taste of tobacco that lingered with every lick at Ryo's willing mouth.
Ryo wasn't content to just be kissed, though, and he quickly tangled his hands in Shige's newly shorn hair and dragged his face down, allowing Ryo greater access to Shige's mouth and tongue, and Ryo explored thoroughly, canvasing every millimeter of Shige's cheeks. Shige couldn't stop the moans that escaped his throat, and Ryo's soft sighs made him melt even further into Ryo's arms, which had slid down to his waist to pull him closer.
Kissing Ryo, Ryo kissing him, was, in some ways, like waking up from a dream. Ryo's lips were chapped and dry, and Shige pressed against them just a little too hard, and their teeth clacked together. And it was getting colder as the sun disappeared into the horizon, and Shige could feel Ryo shivering in the wind. But Ryo's soft moans as his tongue hesitantly wrapped around Shige's, and the way Ryo's nails dug painfully into Shige's forearms-- well, those were the things that were inexplicably perfect, exactly like falling into a dream, because it was Ryo, his Ryo, who was wonderfully, amazingly, unbelievably kissing him back.
“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” Shige said against Ryo's lips, and Ryo grumbled back.
"What the hell is that from?" Ryo said. "Some famous European poet no one but you has ever heard of?"
"Judy Garland," Shige said, and kissed Ryo even harder.
When night fell, and Ryo's lips shone swollen in the dark, that's when Shige finally accepted that this was real; that he wasn't going to wake up in the morning longing for a moment that might never happen, or a touch he might never receive.
There's a sense of triumph in the way his hand finds Ryo's, in the way their fingers fumble around each other in the dark, interlocking as the wind whips around them. He couldn't see the details of Ryo's face, but that was okay, because he memorized them long ago, and he can feel Ryo's accelerated heartbeat through the pulse of his wrist, and the sweat of Ryo's palm as it presses against his own.
"Shige," Ryo whispered, and Shige leaned forward, burying his face in the crook of Ryo's neck, inhaling the scent of jasmine and cigarette smoke. Ryo's breath hitched at the touch of Shige's lips on his neck, gentle butterfly kisses across the goose-pebbled skin. Shige never wanted to stop touching Ryo, just because he could.
"Yes?" Shige whispered back, blowing warm air into Ryo's ear as he released the word from trembling lips. Ryo shivered.
"It's cold," Ryo replied, and Shige squeezed his hand.
"Then let's go inside," he said, and Ryo shivered again, this time not from the cold at all.
***
The door barely closed before Ryo slammed Shige into the wall, his smaller frame pressing against Shige's. Shige winced as his shoulder-blades pressed into the picture frames behind him, but then he couldn't focus on anything beyond the water rushing in his ears as Ryo claimed his mouth completely.
"Too tall," Ryo hissed, and Shige laughed into Ryo's mouth, his tongue tangling with Ryo's as he clutched at the back of Ryo's jacket, keeping him close. Ryo's hands seemed to be everywhere at once, against Shige's hips and on his back and circling his neck.
"Lay down," Shige gasped, and Ryo stepped backward. Shige followed his mouth until Ryo pulled completely away, grabbing Shige's hand and guiding him to the sofa. He sat down and Shige followed, straddling him, his thighs on either side of Ryo's hips. Ryo's hands tugged at Shige's jacket, and Shige leaned forward to kiss Ryo again while he shrugged off the jacket. Ryo's hands slid inside his shirt and glided across his ribs, his touch making Shige pant into the slick heat of Ryo's mouth, and Shige's hands found their way into Ryo's hair, wanting to feel closer, somehow.
Ryo separated from Shige long enough to pull off Shige's shirt, and Shige whined and pulled on Ryo's jacket, so Ryo shed that and his t- shirt as well.
When they kissed again, Ryo's hands came up to explore the bare skin of Shige's chest, as Shige's own arms wrapped around Ryo's back, his nails dragging across the smooth skin. Ryo growled against Shige's lips, before kissing his way down Shige's neck, nipping at the skin and sucking hard enough to bruise.
"You'll leave marks," Shige groaned, but he couldn't bring himself to give a damn, because Ryo's fingers brushed across his sensitive nipples and Shige wondered if he was going to be consumed by the heat in the room.
"You can't possibly be surprised that I'm a biter," Ryo said, when he released the skin of Shige's clavicle from between his lips.
"I guess not," Shige started to respond, but then Ryo's hands were fumbling with the fastening to his jeans, and Shige lost the ability to say anything at all.
Ryo's hand wrapped around his cock, and all Shige could do was close his eyes at the pleasure, his hips wanting to thrust up into Ryo's grip. "You look... Really sexy," Ryo panted, and Shige finally undid Ryo's pants. At the first brush of Shige's hand on his cock between them, Ryo bit down hard on Shige's shoulder, making Ryo goran at the contrast between pleasure and pain.
They maintained a steady pace, hands moving in tandem as their mouths met again. "Not like this," Ryo said, when Shige moaned and thrusted his hips toward Ryo's. "Do you have...?"
"Bedroom," Shige said. I have something that I use for..."
"That'll work," Ryo replied, and Shige stood, stepping out of his jeans and underwear, and blushed under Ryo's devouring eyes. Ryo stood too, and followed Shige into the bedroom.
When they stepped through the door, Ryo shoved Shige onto the bed before losing his pants and climbing on top of him, his hard cock pressing against Shige's navel. Shige reached toward his beside dresser, finding lubrication and a condom with his hand, and placing them next to him as Ryo slowly slid down his body, mouthing wet kisses against his flushed and too sensitive skin.
"Ryo," Shige whispered, and Ryo paused at Shige's hip, placing a solitary kiss where the bone pushed at the skin, and Shige felt the affection in the gesture. He picked up the packet of lube, still unopened, and squished a little onto his fingers.
"I don't know, exactly, what I'm doing," Ryo said, and his voice quivered a bit, with some combination of desire and nervousness, and Shige smiled despite the anxiousness crawling in his own gut.
"We'll figure it out together," Shige said, and then he guided Ryo's hand down between his legs. He felt the press against the tight ring of muscle, and heard Ryo's slight hitch in breathing, and then one of Ryo's was inside of him, and it hurt, but not enough for Shige to want it to stop.
Ryo watched him carefully, gauging his reactions, and Shige nodded at him, and then Ryo added another finger. "So tight, Shige," Ryo said, his voice low and dark, and Shige wanted to hear more of that tone, wanted to hear Ryo say his name like that over and over again in that sexy voice.
Later, when Ryo slides inside of him with a long, deep moan, and they moved together, Ryo's hot breath on his neck and Ryo's sweat-slick skin sticking to his own, Shige felt like he was still falling, and maybe it was deeper into love. When he came, it was like the world disappeared, and there is only Ryo inside of him and on top of him and everywhere around him, and Shige wouldn't have it any other way.
"I love you," Shige said, when he could speak again, and Ryo, who was collapsed next to him, curled a little closer.
"I suppose I'm moderately fond of you, too," Ryo said sleepily, but Shige knew Ryo, and he felt like he'd just been promised forever.
***
Shige rolled over, and Ryo yelped as a piece of his hair got caught under Shige's arm. "Watch the hair, dork."
"A dork is a whale penis," Shige told Ryo, and Shige relished Ryo's choked snort. "So thanks for the compliment." Shige ran his hand through Ryo's hair, and smiled. "Get a haircut."
Ryo froze, and tilted his head slowly to look at Shige through narrowed eyes. "Oh no you did NOT."
Shige grinned cheekily, and now, now he was flying, soaring so high above the clouds he couldn't even see the earth below him. Ryo was still glaring at him, but Shige didn't care, because he could just lean over and capture Ryo's sulky mouth in a wet kiss, and Ryo wouldn't stop him. Ryo would kiss him back. Shige could just keep kissing him and kissing him until morning dragged them both out of bed.
And that's exactly what Shige did.
***
Ryo was holding the camera curiously in his hands. "You have to take the lens cap off, silly," Shige said, taking the camera from him and removing the protective circle, and adjusting the shutter speed. He held the camera up to his eye, and snapped a few pictures of Ryo staring at him. "Like this."
"Give me that," Ryo said, carefully snatching it from Shige's grasp. He dropped the strap around his neck, and held the camera up backwards, so that the lens was facing him.
"It goes the other way, Ryo-chan," Shige said with a chuckle. "The other way, like I showed you last time!"
Ryo rolled his eyes. "Oh my god, you are so stupid for a nerd," Ryo replied. "Obviously, I know which way to turn a camera to take a picture."
He reached out and grabbed Shige's wrist, and the touch, even after a month of being together, still made Shige feel like he was impossibly high up in the air, looking down on a perfect world. Ryo yanked Shige to his side, and Shige felt their cheeks press against each other as Ryo turned the camera so it was toward both of their faces. "Be a part of this moment," Ryo whispered, and then he clicked the button.
