[personal profile] maayacolabackup


1. Jongin’s prophetic dream (brought to you by jo and sleep deprivation):

When Jongin opens his eyes, he’s definitely not in his bed.

In fact, Jongin realises, blinking a couple of times, it doesn’t even look like he’s in Seoul, because he sure as hell hasn’t seen a garden full of wild chrysanthemums anywhere he’s ever been in Korea before.

The sky is milky white with a tinge of orange from the setting sun, dick-shaped clouds floating lazily up above, propelled by the breeze. The wind blows harder, and the wild chrysanthemums sway, and...

Jongin squints. It’s a little rainbow dot, approaching from the horizon, framed perfectly by the sunset. Jongin shields his eyes from the glare. The dot draws closer, closer, and then Jongin gulps, because it’s a fucking rainbow deer, and it’s heading straight for him.

“Need help?”

Jongin almost jumps out of his skin. He spins around, trying to find the owner of the voice, but, seeing nothing, turns back around to see the rainbow deer mere inches from his face, bright red button nose twitching as it sniffles.

“Agh!” Jongin stumbles backwards and lands on his butt. The deer looks at him disdainfully, hoofing at the flowers with a perfectly manicured hoof. “What the fuck? Where am I? What is going on?”

“You’re in the land of the Everlasting Peach Blossoms,” the deer replies, “and you have come to learn the way of the deer tribe. Or rather, I am going to teach you, my deer pupil, whether you like it or not.”

“Deer...tribe...” Jongin says slowly. He looks behind the deer, and only now does he notice the panda that has miracuously appeared in the background. It’s munching on a plate of white steamed buns, and next to it is a massive pink dragon with its claws fastened firmly around a blue unicorn’s glowing horn, stroking it up and down. An eagle circles overhead, its screech sounding like an ominous cackle instead. “I don’t—”

“Hush, you,” the deer replies. “You’re troubled, young fawn, and here is the cause of your troubles.” The deer pokes its face forward and nudges Jongin right in the balls with its luminous red nose. “Your little peewee.”

I’m fine,” Jongin protests, but the deer has stomped down the leg of Jongin’s pants and his cock springs out from the elastic. “Oh, my god, I’m—”

“You have to talk to your peepee, Jongin,” the deer says, shaking its head. “Talk to it. Ask it what it wants.”

“So,” Jongin says, taking his dick out of his pants and cradling it in his hands. “Um. Hi...my own penis, this is really fucking strange and I’ve never talked to you before, but...”

Jongin’s dick starts swelling. Jongin panics, feeling his girth get too big for his hands to hold, and he lets go, falling back onto the ground, his dick just getting bigger and bigger and expanding like a helium balloon until it’s standing in front of him looking like...himself.

“Need,” his dick-doppelganger says, white liquid gushing out of his mouth, “Chinese...deer butt...”

What?” Jongin splutters, too astounded by the fact that his dick just turned into his twin to form coherent words.

“Need...the sweet...caress...of...Chinese deer...” Jongin-dick continues, “need...to be buried deep, deep, in deer ass.”

Jongin looks to the rainbow deer in horror. “I’m not fucking a rainbow deer,” he wails. “Penis, I know I haven’t been nice to you, but please—”

“You’ve been receiving,” the deer says. It turns around, until it’s fat rainbow rump is facing Jongin. “Now, you need to give. Give it to me, Jongin, show me that you can give like a big boy.”

Then Jongin looks back in front of him, and his dickppelganger is gone, his penis back to its regular five-and-a-half-inch glory. “No,” he breathes, “no, come back, I wasn’t done talking to you yet—”

“Don’t think, Jongin, just do,” the deer says, nodding sagely, “I hope you’ve learnt your lesson,” and then it turns around, galloping off into the sunset, accompanied by its posse of strange creatures.

The milky whiteness of the sky darkens to a murky grey. A cold wind blows, and the refrains of an all-too-familiar song echo in the distance.

A flaming phoenix dives down from the sky, a ferret in one talon, and a large cob of corn in the other. “MAXSTEEEEEP,” it caws, and Jongin wants to yank the corn away from said phoenix and hit a homerun using its afro-ey little head as the ball. It floats in the air in front of Jongin, cawing loudly in what Jongin swears is screeching laughter. “FAST SHOOTER FAST SHOOTER!

Jongin buries his face in his hands. Even imaginary creatures were making fun of him now. His life couldn’t get any worse. He points his penis at the phoenix. “I’ll shoot you if you don’t go away.” As if activated by his words, his penis...spurts out a several strings of white straight into the phoenix’s eye.

KEKEKEKE HANDS UP IN THE AIIIIIIR,” the phoenix caws, flying off into the sky with its flaming wings until it disappears, a dot in the distant sky.

Jongin lets his dick flop back down, wondering what his life has come to.

The sun sets, and the world turns pitch black.

2. Park Chanyeol and his condom (which is actually a cracker but whatever):

3. Kim Jongin and his ‘Crong’ imitation
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December 2012

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